Not Really There | FILLIE

fifteen - find my way back

song - Find My Way Back by Eric Arjes 

~"I'll be holding on to you
And even if you slip away
I'll be there to fall into the dark
To chase your heart
No distance could ever tear us apart
There's nothing that I wouldn't do, I'll find my way back to you"~

He could not sleep that night, too afraid to fall asleep. He had suffered with nightmares as a child, neither of his parents caring enough to let him sleep in their bed, telling him to deal with it on his own. He had been taught all of his life to be strong and independent, causing him to push others away when he may have needed help. But then she came along, too persistent and kind and her eyes made him want to spill all of his troubles, to tell her that no, nothing was okay. She refused to let him carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, always making sure that he was okay despite all of the impending doom attached to her ankles, pulling her into a deep and dark place. But that night, he strained for as long as he could to keep his eyes open, too scared to finally close his eyes and give into exhaustion. He was too afraid that he would wake up, to find that he was alone, that she wasn't there.

When her body finally reappeared, her eyes landed on his as they fluttered open peacefully. She looked so bright and carefree despite what she had found out, and he wondered how she pushed down all of the darkness inside of her so that she was only releasing sunshine. He jumped up before he could help it, almost knocking her over with such a tight hug, his head buried in his shoulder as he shook lightly in relief. Millie giggled slightly against him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion in his sudden behavior. 

"I-Is everything o-okay?" she laughed gently as he hugged her. 

Finn let go, rubbing the back of his neck nervously as he stumbled over his words, trying to hide his relieved smile. "Uh, sorry...I don't know what I was t-thinking."

As soon as he turned his back, the smile dropped off Millie's face. She had been keeping it together every single time that she saw him, too afraid that he would notice her shaking hands and messy hair. She forced a smile on her face so that she would not cry, her chest heaving with sobs at the thought of not knowing what was going to happen next. Deep down, she knew that she was just as terrified as him to leave, knowing that he would not be okay without her and that she would not be okay without him. 

"D-Do you want to look through your old stuff?" Finn asked hesitantly, "w-we could bring some back from your house, s-sorry if it is a stupid idea I just-"

Millie shook her head and smiled sadly. "No, I want to."

"Okay" Finn breathed in return. 

This time when they set foot on the property, Millie stormed through the door as if she wasn't afraid. She refused to take Finn's outstretched hand, wanting to do this by herself, to prove to herself that she wasn't weak. The house held so many memories for her and although it hurt to see his frown when she asked Finn to stay outside, she needed this moment to herself. She glanced at her kitchen table, remembering jokes with her family over bowls of cereal and toast, her smile wide as she sipped her juice. She looked over at the stairs, where she remembered crying after her first day of school, her big sister Paige wrapping her up in a big hug until she felt like everything was going to be okay again. She remembered singing with her in the car, making videos of the songs that they covered, their voices belting out to the radio with silly grins, all of the memories causing her to smile instead of focusing on the pain deep within her heart. While it made her happy that she could remember it all, it hurt because she knew that she couldn't get those days back, wanting so badly to just go back to a normal day. 

Her bedroom made her eyes well up with tears, feeling so different from the first time she stepped in there. When they visited previously, it felt like she was in a dream or looking in on someone else's life, but this was hers. It was her bed, her notebooks filled with stories and her wardrobe filled with clothes that she could never wear again. She was drawn to a box in the corner, looking around for some belongings to bring back to Finn's, things that could perhaps help ease the sharp pain in her chest. Her eyes flickered to her sketchbook filled with hundreds of drawings, and a notebook that closely resembled some kind of diary. She sniffed, flipping through the pages of swirly writing before tossing it carefully into the box, moving onto taking a stuffed rabbit from her bedside dresser. She stroked it's pink ears with a sob, wishing that it could give her the comfort that it gave on her first day of kindergarten. She needed more than a stuffed animal to heal her broken heart.