I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 12

The impossible had happened since Cammie had run into her Soulmate: she made herself even busier. Savannah knew from her many psychology classes that Cammie was using avoidance coping to deal with all of her problems. Savannah also knew (not from her psychology classes) that Cammie believed if she kept herself busy enough, she would not have to deal with the mountain of issues that seemed to only grow taller every day; the mound that Cammie once had to face was quickly becoming a mountain.

Since their return to Los Angeles, Savannah often found Cammie talking to Adam on the phone. Since The Encounter, as Savannah and Jess (who talked almost as much as Cammie and Adam) had labeled it, Cammie spent any spare moment she had obessessing over Adam, as if talking to him would make Virgo less real. Savannah, at a loss for how to drive a wedge between Adam and Cammie since Cammie was avoiding Savannah more than the glaring reality of her Dream, found herself calling Jess yet again.

"I don't know what to do," Savannah sighed into the phone. "I feel like anything I try and do pushes Cammie into further into Adam's arms. I'm also not sure she's sleeping. She added two more classes to her load this semester. She's taking like twenty-something units."

"Jesus," Jess said.

"She's still avoiding me."

"She's a mess."

Savannah hummed in agreement.

"You said Virgo is pretty cool though, right?"

"From what I've seen. Granted, I've only talked to the girl for ten minutes."

"If only there were some way to get the two of them together."

The girls lapsed into silence. This was the same goal they had had since The Encounter, but the more they talked about it, the less likely it seemed. Each plan crafted was shot down by the other with some glaring flaw in the plan. Now clueless, their only real plan involved throwing Cammie under the bus and telling Adam the truth. They both considered their best plan to still be horrible.

"I guess we just wait until Adam's birthday," Jess finally said.

Savannah agreed, though she did not want this to be the way their relationship ended. Savannah wanted Cammie to end things, to realize her mistake in lying to Adam and make things right before it got to that.

"Is Virgo in a band?" Jess had asked suddenly.

"I don't know. She never mentioned anything. Not that we talked all that often."

"I'm sending you a post on Instagram, check it out."

Savannah pulled the phone away from her ear to open the app and check the post that Jess had sent. When Virgo had given Savannah her number, it had been easy to track her down on social media, which she immediately shared with Jess. The two girls stalked Virgo online relentlessly. The post in question advertised an open mic night in the near future that it seemed Virgo was a part of.

"I guess so," Savannah said.

"Make Cammie go, she loves music."

A devilish gran spread across Savannah's face. It would be perfect: bring Cammie to an open mic, where there was no possible way of her knowing that Virgo would be there, and have her fall in love that way. Cammie was always a hopeless romantic and when Adam played his guitar and sang (which in Savannah's opinion was mediocre at best), Cammie practically melted into his hands.

"That's genius."

"That's why I'm here."

The door to the apartment opened signaling Cammie's return home from class.

"Cammie's home. I'll text you," Savannah said quickly, hanging up the phone. It wasn't strange for Savannah to talk to Jess, but it would be strange if Cammie ever caught wind of how often they were talking—and what they were talking about.

Savannah poked her head out of the door to say hi to her roommate, who usually was the one to poke her head in to Savannah's room to say hi after a long day. Savannah found Cammie stuffing a duffle bag with clothes.

"Where are you going?"

"To see Adam."

Savannah looked at her as if the girl standing in front of her was not Cammie, but some doppelganger imposter.

"You have another class tonight. And you have class tomorrow." Savannah said, considering checking Cammie for a fever. Savannah was fairly certain Cammie had had perfect attendance since pre-school. In fact, Cammie had gone to class with a fever. more than once

"I know," Cammie said, though she looked guilty like a child who was caught stealing a cookie.

"And you're still going?"

Cammie gave a weak smile in response.

"Are you okay?" Savannah asked. She gave Cammie a worried looked and closed the distance between them shortly.

"Yeah, I just miss him," Cammie said dimissively. She continued to bustled around the room, throwing clothes on her bed and avoiding eye contact.

"Do you? Or are you just getting worried because his birthday is in a few weeks?"

Savannah's gift for knowing Cammie better than herself was arguably Savannah's best quality. At this particular moment, however, Cammie hated this talent. She wished that she was not such an open book that was read so easily.

"No. I just miss him," Cammie said, trying to convince herself more than Savannah.

Savannah hummed, but kept further comment to herself.

"I'll see you on Monday," Cammie said. She finished packing and left the apartment. Savannah immediately called Jess back to give her more details.

"This is worse than I thought," Jess said when she heard the news.

***

Cammie pulled her car out of the parking complex and selected a playlist. Adam had created the playlist for her and added new music to it every week. When she listened to it, Cammie felt closer to Adam, as if he was leaving her love letters in the form of music notes. She smiled, letting the music remind her just how much Adam loved and cared for her.

Adam had filled the playlist with romantic songs in which the singers professed their love for a special girl through poetic lyrics. Cammie had always admired how these musicans were able to craft such beautfiul lyrics and accent them with musical chords. Adam had tried writing Cammie a song before, but he was no where near talented enough, so Cammie settled on just allowing Adam to strum his guitar in his mediocre fashion.

After the most recent playlist of Adam's creation ended, Cammie switched to one that Adam had made her in high school a few years before. She let the memories wash over her and reminded herself why she loved Adam so much. She wasn't staying with him just to not be labeled gay: Cammie was choosing to be with Adam because he is her Soulmate. Cammie didn't care what the Dream told her, it was a mistake. When the time came to explain that to him, she knew she would be able to convince him of her unfailing love. He didn't have to know that she Dreamed of a woman, just that she didn't Dream of him. If her not pursuing her Dream-mandated Soulmate and instead choosing him was not enough to convince him of her dedication, what would be? Cammie began to craft an elaborate speech in her head that was sure to convince Adam that she loved him more than anyone else in the world.

*

The coffee shop was bustling with customers. Virgo's muscles worked through memory, her focus solely on the cup in hand. Every time that she found herself on the bar handing off drinks to customers, the encounter with Cammie flashed through her mind despite her attempts to suffocate the memory.

This girl had been more beautiful than she could have ever imagined, more stunning than any image conjured up in sleep. Those stunning blue eyes had mezmorized her, and though the encounter had realistically only taken seconds, she felt trapped in an eternity, lost in a blue ocean of fantasies that would become a reality.

But in a moment, the image was distroted, torn, smeared. Everything she had built up in those three long years suddenly was ripped away and she was left feeling less than empty, as if she could feel almost nothing at all. She never wanted to feel sorry for herself or let herself be enveloped in that darkness again. So when she felt numb, she tried forgetting the girl any way she could, because if she could not make herself forget, the sadness crept into her bones.

Today, she found herself in that numb state, as the monotony of her job kept her mind from drifting toward the darkest recesses in her mind. Her body was moving of it's own volition, mechanically trained to perform. Virgo poured the creamy milk into a carboard cup, called out the order, and passed it along the bar. A girl, reminding Virgo vaguely of Cammie from the blonde hair and blue eye color reached out a hand for the drink. A pang of hurt struck her heart.

"Have a good day," Virgo said, mustering all of her customer service training into her voice. It came out sweeter than she felt.

"Thank you," the girl said. "I love your accent."

Virgo smiled. "Thank you."

"Where are you from?"

"France."

"How old are you?"

This gave Virgo pause. She looked at the girl, trying to see past the smiling face. She was no Cammie—no girl would be as beautiful as her Soulmate (if she could even call her that)—but, Virgo supposed she was similar enough to dull the ache for a while.

"Twenty," Virgo lied.

The girl's face lit up. "Me too."

"I am off at four." Virgo paused, reading the girl's reaction. "Would you want to meet me for dinner?"

The girl nodded eagerly. Virgo grabbed an unused coffee sleeve and jotted down her number. "Text me."

The girl could not hide the smile spreading across her face as she snatched the sleeve and departed.

The encouter with the girl left Virgo considering all of her options: maybe she could just be with another girl who's Soulmate rejected them. Although Virgo knew it would never be enough.

*

Adam was completely surprised when he opened the door to find his girlfriend and future wife standing before him. He was so surprised he could not think of a single intelligent word to say. So instead he stated the very obvious.

"You have class today."

Cammie laughed. She reached her arms up and wrapped them around Adam's neck, pulling him down into a kiss.

"I know, but I was really missing you."

"It's only been a few weeks since I've seen you."

"I know, but it feels like longer," Cammie confessed. "And I really missed you."

Adam grinned wide, showing off his perfect smile. Cammie noted that she adored his perfect teeth. As she thought this, she started to notice each and every thing that she loved about Adam. He was absolutely perfect.

But a flash of the girl's face distorted Adam's features. The freckles that spotted her nose and the bright smile suddenly transformed Adam's face.

Cammie pushed herself forward and forced her lips against Adam's, squeezing her eyes shut, blocking out the memory.

"Whoa," Adam said.

"Have I told you lately that I love you?"

"Not in person."

"Well I love you."

"I love you too." Adam kissed his girlfriend again, picked up her bag and led her into his apartment. Adam decided to ditch class too.

Time was a strange creature, seeming to be a living being actively working against every single person. For example, when one was having a very good time, time seem to slip away, sprinting faster than prey from a predator. But when one was completely miserable and wanted nothing more than for the seconds spill away like water, time seemed to freeze. It seemed that whatever one wanted from Time, it would do the exact opposite—like an annoying younger sibling.

For Cammie, Time was a gushing river, flowing faster than Cammie wished. Adam's birthday was fast approaching and she knew the series of events that had been building up for the last few months was about to crescendo, leading into the grand finale. Cammie was not sure she was ready for this act to end.

The weekend created an odd dichotomy in Cammie's mind. During this weekend with Adam, it seemed as though everything was the same, yet entierly different as the seconds of reality dwindled away. Cammie found herself needing to be with Adam: kissing him, telling him how much she loved him, yet also feeling entirely disgusted with herself for lying. It almost felt as if Cammie was watching a movie staring herself: she knew all the lines, every way she was supposed to move, act, react. She knew these things, because they were what was expected of her; it was what would be expected of any healthy couple. She kissed him, held his hand, laughed at his jokes, fell asleep on his chest. She did all of these things... Yet it still did not seem to be enough. She felt that the tiny puncture in the boat she shared with Adam was letting in water much quicker than she realized. Soon, she would be overcome—the both would, their lungs filled with water, unable to breathe. She was reminded of lyrics from a band Cammie and Adam both loved:

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole
And like a faucet that leaks there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises
Your love is gonna drown.

That somber melody beat through her head all day.

Your love is gonna drown. . .

***

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