I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 17

The sidewalk was punished with the beating of Cammie's feet upon it. She ran vigorously down city blocks, one after another, until she was miles from home. Only when she felt her body beginning to break down with resistance did she turn around and make her way back home at a steadier pace.

It had been three weeks since Adam's Dream, but the ache had not gone away and the pain did not seem to lessen. Cammie had realized shortly after the breakup that she had built her life around him and the image that being with him created. When Adam had ultimately decided to end the relationship, it destroyed Cammie in a way she had never known possible. She thought that the agony of her Dream had been devastating, but the aftermath of the breakup was worse: now she just felt numb.

But Cammie had quickly decided that she did not want this to rule over her; she had spent so much time after her Dream feeling sorry for herself and wallowing in her own self pity, that she resolved to keep herself from despair. Instead of allowing that darkness to swallow her whole, every morning she found herself running through the streets of Los Angeles, her feet beating rhythmic patterns to occupy her spiraling mind.

When she was not out running her thoughts, Cammie obsessively checked her phone to see if there was any chance that Adam had texted her. She had no idea what she expected him to say—or what she even wanted him to say—but she checked habitually, like an itch that needed to be scratched.

She had changed the photos that served as wallpapers on her phone, as it only brought a fresh wave of pain and sadness every time she unlocked her phone and saw a picture of Adam smiling back. She could not bear to delete or remove anything else from her phone or her life; once she did that, Cammie felt like everything would be finalized and she wasn't quite ready to accept that everything was over.

During this time, Virgo had not crossed her mind once; there was simply too much for her to think about and Virgo was wedged out of the equation.

When she opened the door to her shared apartment, she found Savannah already awake and sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.

"Want some?" she asked.

"Sure."

Savannah poured her friend a cup and set it across the table from herself. Cammie hadn't spoken much since the breakup, but Savannah understood that Cammie would need time to recover. She was grateful that Cammie hadn't shut down like she had before and so she accepted these short exchanges where Savannah would do the most of the talking and Cammie would sit in reflective silence.

"How are you doing?"

"Good, I guess."

Savannah nodded.

"I guess it's not so bad. I just feel lost. I'm not sure what to do with myself."

"I get that, but Adam wasn't your entire life, you know? You're a whole person even without him."

"I know that, it's just . . . It doesn't feel like it right now. I didn't even realize how much we were intertwined until he was gone. Now I see everything that's missing."

Savannah reached across the small kitchen table and grabbed Cammie's hand. "You're not missing anything, Cam. He didn't make you who you are. You're still you."

"I feel really lost, Sav. I don't know what I'm doing with myself."

"What do you mean?"

"First it was the Dream, now it's Adam; it feels like everything in my life is falling apart."

"Cam, your life isn't falling apart. Just because your relationship is over doesn't mean everything is ruined."

Cammie chewed her lip in thought and mulled over both her and Savannah's words. "I guess what I mean is that now that Adam's gone, I'm taking a look at my life and," she paused, glanced at the floor, the ceiling, Savannah. "I don't know what I want anymore."

"What do you mean?"

Cammie shrugged. "I don't know. I just don't know about anything. Everything feels like it's in a limbo and all of these things I was sure about don't seem so certain anymore."

"Like what?"

"Like, what if I should have tried to pursue art like Jess? What if I hadn't listened to my parents about everything and just did what I wanted instead?"

Hearing Cammie speak these words surprised Savannah; she had never heard her friend express any inkling of wanting to disobey her parents wishes. Cammie's entire life had been centered around wanting exactly what her parents wanted for her. Savannah was not quite sure what cracked inside of Cammie after the breakup, but she was happy that the wall that had divided Cammie in two—between her real self and the self that wanted to please—was finally crumbling.

"I don't think it's too late for that," Savannah offered.

"Maybe," Cammie said, but seemed far away, like she was in an entirely different world.

The two girls sat in silence for a while.

"What do I tell my parents?" Cammie asked.

"The truth. You just tell them you panicked, because you wanted to see Adam and hoped that he would see you. It's not the most outrageous story."

Cammie hummed her reply.

"Oh, hey. Jen texted me. She wanted to see how you're doing."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to text her back," Cammie said. In fact, she had forgot to text everyone back. The only reason she remembered to talk to Savannah was because she saw her everyday. And she had to admit that every time her phone vibrated with an alert, her heart stopped with the chance that it could be Adam. The disappointment that struck her heart each time she saw that it was not Adam was becoming too much to handle multiple times throughout the day.

"She just asked if we wanted to go out tonight. Do you feel up for it?"

"Not really."

Savannah politely declined Jen's invitation. A moment later, Savannah's phone was buzzing.

"Hello?"

"Put Cammie on the phone," Jen demanded.

"It's for you," Savannah said and handed Cammie the phone.

Puzzled, Cammie took the phone and answered uncertainty: "Hello?"

"You're coming out with me tonight," Jen said on the other end of the line.

Cammie sighed. "Jen, I really don't feel up to it."

"Remember last time you went out? You met me. And you had fun. So come out with me tonight and let's have fun."

Cammie sighed. "Jen—"

"No, I don't want to hear it. Tell Savannah to meet me at The Abbey at nine. I better see you there."

Cammie was silent.

"Cammie?" Jen asked again.

"Okay, fine."

Jen's smile was almost audible across the phone.

"What did Jen want?" Savannah asked when Cammie handed her her phone.

"Don't pretend like you don't know." A smile tugged on the corner's of Cammie's lips. She couldn't be mad at Savannah.

***

Cammie and Savannah hopped out of their ride and found Jen inside the bar with two drinks already poured and waiting for them. Jen passed them both sweet tasting drink and pulled them in for a hug.

"I'm glad you came out," Jen said.

"I don't think she's come out yet," Savannah added with a wink.

Both Jen and Cammie groaned at Savannah's terrible joke. Savannah simply shrugged it off and pulled her friends to the dance floor.

"Relax Cammie, we're here to unwind," Jen said, bumping Cammie with her hips, trying to get the other girl to enjoy herself.

"You're right." Cammie took a swig of her drink. She had to admit that even though she didn't feel like being here, it was nice to be out with her friends and not be trapped within her own mind. So she put her body through the motions of enjoying herself and eventually her brain caught up and she felt herself relax. She began to glance around the room, taking in the faces of the people she was surrounded by. She had always enjoyed people watching. As her eyes fell over the faces in the room, her heart stopped cold in her chest as a familiar face materialized before her.

Virgo.

Instead of flinching or panicking, as she had in the past, an unrecognizable anger welled in her guts and clenched at her heart. The adrenaline hammered in her ears. Cammie's body was moving of its own accord and she quickly realized that she was making a beeline straight for the girl.

"I'll be right back," Cammie said.

As her feet moved, Cammie realized she had no idea what she was doing, what she would say, but her body surged through the crowd, anger burning within. What was worse was that Cammie had no idea where this unbridled rage stemmed from, but far it be it from her to quell the fire that burned inside when she had been feeling so empty.

Virgo happened to glance up from the conversation she was having to see a blonde girl charging straight for her. She immediately recognized the person to be Cammie and her heart did a strange sort of flip, confused if it should be happy or angry. In a complete betrayal to the anger Virgo wanted to feel, she realized that relief flooded through her; she had grown so tired of finding someone new to ease the pain, to dull her senses and replace Cammie. Each time she kissed someone who wasn't Cammie, slept with someone who wasn't Cammie, she felt like the hole in her heart was growing bigger.

Once Cammie was closer, Virgo realized that the girl was absolutely furious.

"This is your fault!" Cammie screamed above the thump of the music.

Taken aback, Virgo found herself unable to reply. This had to have been a record for strangest first interactions with one's Soulmate.

"None of this would have happened if you would have just left me alone!"

"What are you talking about?" Virgo asked, afronted. The group Virgo was standing with began to grow uncomfortable, thinking this was a spat between ex-lovers.

Tears were gathering in the corner of Cammie's eyes as the anger burned hot. "You just had to Dream of me. And now my life is ruined because of you!"

"Me?" Virgo asked, incredulous. "Me? You think this is my fault?"

"It's not my fault! I was perfectly happy before you came along."

"Came along and what? I didn't do anything to you. You Dreamed of me, remember?"

"Why did you have to come into my life? I was happy with Adam! Now everything is ruined."

"Did little miss perfect's boyfriend break up with her?"

Cammie wanted to scream, to punch something until her knuckles bled—preferrably this girl who dared talk back to her, to not take responsibility for her role in this. Cammie had never felt anger burn like this.

"Don't talk about me like you know anything about my life," Cammie spat.

"Then don't come here and accuse me of ruining your life. Do you know how long I've waited to meet you? To finally see you in person and meet you? And then I finally do and you act like this? You rejected me. You're supposed to be my fucking Soulmate and you rejected me."

"Adam broke up with me because of you!" Cammie snapped, ignoring what Virgo had said.

"No, Adam broke up with you becasue of you; you didn't Dream of him and he didn't Dream of you. Get over yourself and stop blaming me for your problems."

Cammie opened her mouth to retort, but Virgo pushed on.

"At least now you have some idea of how it felt to have your Soulmate not want you."

Cammie stood before the eye of the hurricane. As the glare in Virgo's eyes intensified, transformed, Cammie was finally able to realize that the broken heart she was feeling at losing Adam was probably the same sense of loss and emptiness that Virgo had felt the day ran from her. Cammie was her Soulmate and she had said no. She had turned her away.

The pain in Virgo's eyes was palpable.

By now heads had turned to look at the two girls confrontation. The few girls that were with Virgo had moved away, uncomfortable with the situtation. Cammie felt the tears begin to roll down her cheeks, all of the anger seeping out of her through the corners of her eyes. She knew Virgo was right; Cammie knew it wasn't Virgo's fault that Adam had broken up with her. But who else could she blame? Cammie couldn't believe that deep down her would truly want to be with a woman, to marry her, to call her her Soulmate.

Cammie turned on her heels and fled the bar, unable to stay a moment longer. Virgo watched Cammie flee from her for a second time.