I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 23

By Tuesday morning, Virgo had Cammie's almong milk vanilla latte waiting for her on the bar when she arrived. Cammie consistently showed up at 9am every morning for the last three days. When Cammie came in Tuesday and got in line, Virgo called her over to the bar and pointed to the already prepared drink.

Cammie laughed when she approached the counter.

"Wow, you're good."

Virgo winked and began crafting another drink.

"You come in at the same time every day and order the same drink. I think I can handle that."

Cammie laughed and thought back the conversation with Savannah all those months ago. Maybe being predictable wasn't such a bad thing?

She sipped on the drink, the foamy milk touching her tongue.

Of course, she really wasn't that predictable anymore, now was she? After all, she had a crush on a girl; no one saw that coming.

This thought send a flutter through her stomach. She glanced at Virgo and blushed. It was sweet of Virgo to pay attention to what time she came in every day and what she ordered. It was just one more thing that drew her to Virgo.

"Thanks for the drink," Cammie said. She pulled out her wallet, rummaging through its contents to find cash.

"No, you don't pay here anymore. I'm sorry."

"Is that so?"

"It's the store policy. I'm very sorry."

Cammie laughed. "Well, thank you. I'll be over there studying."

Virgo smiled and watched her walk away. The happiness Virgo felt at Cammie's arrival was overpowering; her thoughts completely enveloped with Cammie.

Cammie, meanwhile, made her way to a corner table to study. The last three days had all been the same and today was no different. Cammie wandered into the coffee shop around ten and study until Virgo got off at two. They talked about their days, then they studied until they were both too tired, then they talked until one of them excused themsleves due to hunger.

Cammie found herself eager to wake up every morning and head straight to the coffee shop. The anticipation of seeing Virgo in the morning propelled her out of bed and through the city. The moment their eyes met each morning sent thrills running down Cammie's spine and she realized, finally, that Savannah and Jess were right: she harbored undeniable feelings for the French girl.

Throughout the day, Cammie found herself stealing glances at Virgo; she couldn't help herself. When she had walked through her campus studying other women, Cammie knew there was no spark, not feelings bubbling to the surface. But each time she looked at Virgo, she understand attraction. Virgo was beautiful. How did it take her so long to realize this?

Cammie smiled, a blush covering her cheeks. This feeling was completely new to her; not once had she felt like this for Adam.

At about five, Cammie heaved a sigh and snapped her book shut.

"I can't do it anymore, my brain is fried," she said.

Virgo chuckled and quietly shut her laptop.

"Do you, uh, want to get dinner?" Cammie asked. Cammie hoped that her tentative voice didn't betray her nervousness, but she hoped the question came out platonically.

"Sure, I have no plans tonight."

The girls collected their things.

"I rode my bike here. I think we can make it there on our bikes, but if you want to come to my house I can drive us?"

"Yeah that's fine. I also rode my bike."

Cammie grinned. The two girls made their way to their bikes, unlocked them, and took off pedaling toward Cammie's house. Cammie pushed open the door to find Savannah settled on the couch with a book open in her lap.

"Hey, Sav."

"Hey. How was studying with your girlfriend?"

Savannah hadn't notice Virgo following close behind. Cammie turned bright red and her eyes grew as wide as saucers as she stared at Savannah in shock.

"I think it went well," Virgo said laughing. A mortified Cammie shot Savannah a warning look. Virgo noticed every little movement Cammie made, and smiled to herself, hoping that the sudden embarrassment sprang upon Cammie was a sign of something good to come.

Savannah laughed at her mistake and joined Virgo. Cammie, however, found herself mortified.

"We're going to In-n-Out. Do you want to come?" Cammie quickly asked, hoping to change the subject.

"Thanks, but I can't."

"Are you busy tonight?"

"Yup."

"What are you doing?"

"Studying." Savannah then returned her gaze to her book. "Nice to see you Virgo!"

Virgo laughed while Cammie stood both puzzled and embarrassed.

"I guess it's just us. Do you want to ask if Shea and Levi want to come?" Cammie was hoping to have anybody else join them so that Virgo didn't think it was a date. She also desperately wanted Virgo to forget about Savannah's comment.

"They both work today. They won't be home until later." This was, of course, a lie. But Virgo didn't want to let Cammie know that. She was looking forward to spending time with Cammie that didn't involve a textbook.

"Okay, sure. That's fine. Um, you can leave your bike in here and I'll grab my keys." Cammie leaned her bike against the wall and rushed down the hall to her room to grab her car keys.

"Ready?"

When Cammie returned, Virgo was admiring the mountain scene painting Cammie created.

"This is so much more beautiful in person. You're so talented." Virgo turned to her with a smile.

"Oh," Cammie fumbled with her words. "Thanks. I don't know. It's just a hobby."

Turned took one last glance at the painting. "It seems like it could be more than a hobby."

If only you knew the half of it, Cammie thought, thinking of her mother. The poision began to infilrate her mind: Cammie thought about her mother, her disapproval of painting, of Virgo. Cammie quickly shook the thoughts away, focusing herself fully on Virgo instead. No, she wouldn't allow thoughts of her mother to twist and distort.

"Let's go," Cammie said.

The girls got into Cammie's car. Cammie plugged in her phone handed it to Virgo. "You DJ."

"What do you want to listen to?" Virgo asked, already overthinking what to play. Her fingers froze over the keyboard, wondering what music Cammie would enjoy.

Cammie shrugged. "Anything."

"That doesn't help," Virgo laughed.

Cammie thought a moment. "Play me some French music."

Virgo raised an eyebrow. "You want to listen to music you don't understand?"

"Yeah, show me what you like to listen to."

"Okay."

Virgo began to add songs to the queue. Catchy beats and incomprehensible lyrics began to pump through the speakers. Virgo was bobbing her head to the tunes.

"Okay, so who is this?"

"This is Therapie Taxi. This is their new song. It's called Egotrip."

The base thumped in the speakers and though Cammie did not understand the lyrics, she liked the beat of the song.

"I like it. I have no idea what they're saying, but it's so catchy. What are they saying?"

Instead of telling Cammie the translation, she began to the sing along with the song, a huge smile on her face as Cammie watched, enamoured by the French.

Cammie laughed. "That doesn't help me, dude."

"It's a little rude," Vigro admitted.

Cammie laughed again. "You're playing me vulgar songs?"

Virgo smriked.

"Okay, tell me."

"The first line, it means like, 'I spent the hours fucking nothing, neither the game nor your mother."

Cammie's mouth dropped open. "Wow!"

"I told you."

"Okay, you have to teach me to say that."

"No way!" Virgo laughed.

"Come on! Then I can say that to Savannah."

Virgo laughed again. "Okay, say this instead: nique ta mère."

Cammie repeated it.

Virgo laughed even harder.

"Don't laugh at my accent," Cammie said, laughing her self. "What does it mean?"

"So, that means 'fuck your mother'."

Cammie laughed again. "Oh my god."

"Why do Americans always want to know how to say rude words?"

Cammie shrugged. "It's more fun."

Virgo shook her head.

"Teach me to say something that isn't rude then."

Virgo thought a moment. "Okay say 'quelque chose'."

"Say that again but slower."

Virgo said again slower, breaking down the words. Cammie repeated the phrase, fumbling over the unfamiliar words in her mouth, her American accent coating the phrase. Cammie frowned. "I didn't sound remotely close to what you sounded like."

"Because you speak at the front of your mouth. You need to speak back farther."

"I don't even know what that means"

The girls laughed.

"Say it again. Practice."

The way Cammie pronounced the French words, it sounded more like "kel-coo-shows." It was not beautiful like the way French sounded when Virgo spoke.

Virgo laughed. "Better."

"Okay, what does it mean?"

"Something."

"You're not going to tell me?"

"No, I taught you say the word "something" because you asked me to teach you something."

"Oh my god." Cammie said and laughed. "I hate you."

Both girls split into a fit of laughter.

"You think you're so funny, don't you?"

Virgo smiled in response and Cammie's stomach did an uncharacteristic flop. It occured to her that she was having a wonderful evening filled with laughter and all they had done was listened to music and spoke French. It was easy being with Virgo, Cammie realized. Nothing in her life had ever felt easy. It was such a relief to have Virgo in her life.

"So, why did you move here?" Cammie asked.

"For something different. I wanted to see the US. I wanted a change."

"And you just packed up and left?"

"Yes, basically."

"That's crazy to me. I could never do that. How were you not stressed?"

Virgo shrugged. "I wanted to do it so I did. I got into the university and I figured out the rest from there."

"Wow," Cammie said in awe.

"Why could you never do that? You have never wanted to study abroad?"

Cammie thought a moment. "No, I think I would like to, but—I don't know—I have too much to do here: make sure I get into a good school and finish my degree. Plus I don't speak any other languages and they're too many logistics..."

Virgo listened to Cammie thoughtfully. But it was easy to hear the fear buried deep under Cammie's carefully constructed excuses. These excuses were a simple out for Cammie, a simple way to explain away why she hadn't ever done anything she wanted to do. Behind these excuses, she was safe; behind these excuses, she didn't have to think.

"What about after school? Travel for a bit?"

Cammie shook her head. "No, I need to get into grad school."

"What about a gap year?"

Cammie shook her head again. "No, I don't have time. My father is expecting me to start working for him straight away."

"Il me semble que c'est une excuse parce que t'as peur de ce que tes parents vont penser et de tes propres attentes."

Cammie stares blankly. "What?"

"I guess you will need to learn French" Virgo said playfully.

Of course, she wanted to tell Cammie what she thought in English, but she knew the last time she had tried prodding Cammie for details about her life in relation to her parents' and their wishes, Cammie's anger had flaired.

"No fair. What did you say?"

"Rien."

"That's not fair"

Virgo shrugged. "Learn French and then you will know."

"You're annoying," Cammie said laughing.

"You should travel though. Even if it's only for a few weeks."

"I'll try."

"Come to France. You'll only have to buy a ticket. You can stay at my family's home for free."

"You want me to meet your family already?"

Virgo laughed.

"Well you would meet them, but no. I think traveling changes a person and it's fun. I think you can use it. I only ever see you with your face in a book."

Cammie shook her head grinning. "Well when I'm a successful lawyer I'll be the one laughing."

"Peut-être. Mais, je ne crois pas que c'est vrai."

"Okay, okay. I'll learn French. You win."

Virgo laughed. "I will force you to learn."

Cammie shook her head again, but the smile clung to her lips like a stubborn mule, refusing to budge. She was having fun with Virgo, their light banter back and forth putting her at ease. She knew that Virgo was teasing her, but she couldn't help but think about her future again. Something about Virgo always made her feel uneasy about the future, like it wasn't as certain as she had always believed it to be.

They pulled into the parking lot of the always overcrowded In-n-Out. The girls continued to chat while they waited for their food. Cammie found herself relaxing the longer she was in Virgo's presence. When she was with her, all the chaos in her life seemed to still and any nerves she had about seeing Virgo and being with her were quashed almost immediately. It was always such a welcomed relief.

"So, what does your mom think about you being in a band?" Cammie asked, plucking a french fry from her plate.

"Yeah, it's fine with her. She likes listening to my music."

"Really?"

"Yes. Why are you so surprised?"

"My mom always told me that art wasn't a career; it's a hobby. So, I'm just surprsied when I hear a parent supportstheir kid's artistic career."

Virgo stopped herself from making a scathing comment about Cammie's parents and their lack of support, but she stopped herself, and instead asked: "They didn't support your art?"

"No, it's not that. They just didn't want me to make a career of it. They wanted me to have a job and have money."

"Those things aren't necessarily better."

Cammie chewed her fries thoughtfully.

"I think they are."

"Why?"

Cammie shrugged. "I don't know, I guess I've always just kind of grown up with that mentality. Go to a good school to get a good job to have a nice house and money."

"That's so American of you. Working isn't the best part of life. In fact, it shouldn't be such a priority. Your happiness should come first. Living a good life."

"You don't think I'm happy?" Cammie felt like she should have been angry, her tone accusatory. But her guard was down, she was vulnerable. She was genuinely curious to know what Virgo thought.

"That's not for me to say."

"But that's what you think."

Virgo shrugged.

"Are you happy?"

Cammie exhaled. "I don't know."

Virgo allowed Cammie to sit with this thought for a moment, digest her feelings.

"I've been thinking about this for a while. Since my Dream, actually." Cammie stole a glance at Virgo, who was watching her intrigued. It wasn't often that Cammie talked about her Dream, her connection to Virgo.

"What have you thought about?"

Cammie took a deep breath. "My life. Everything started falling apart that morning."

A sharp pange of dismay shot through Virgo's stomach.

"In what way?" Virgo asked, struggling to keep her voice even, to not betray the sadness that she suddenly felt.

"Well, I had this perfect life pictured in my head. I had it all worked out: marry the perfect boy, have a great job, have a little house with some kids. It was supposed to be perfect."

"But I ruined that?"

Cammie's eyes snapped up to meet Virgo's. Virgo hadn't meant to say this; she had tried to bury the feeling that she had struggled with since she met Cammie: that somehow she was responsible for Cammie's dismay. But to hear Cammie tell her the Dream was the catalyst for the destruction of her perfect life, that everything was perfect before Virgo stepped in the picture, felt like the wound was reopened, the knife was twisted.

Cammie saw a mixture of emotions brewing behind her brown eyes all vying for domination. Virgo felt her heart hammering with anger.

"No," Cammie answered honestly. "I never thought you did."

Virgo didn't answer, her jaw clenched shut.

"I just wanted to blame someone. It wasn't ever your fault."

After a moment of silence, Virgo spoke: "You can still have all of these things if you marry a woman."

Cammie' stomach twisted into knots.

"I know, but—"

"Don't misunderstand me though. I'm not telling you to be with me. I'm just telling you it's possible to have these things with a girl."

"Well, I'm not sure if I want those things anymore," Cammie finally admitted. It felt like a weight was lifted off of her shoulers. She finally said it out loud. Finally admitted it to someone.

Virgo blinked.

"What do you want?"

Cammie shook her head. "I don't know. But I'm beginning to think it's nothing that I've been working toward. I don't think it's any of the things that I thought a perfect future should be." Cammie thought a moment, then continued. "But I think my parents would kill me. if I told them any of this."

"But it's not their life."

"I guess. I've just always went along with whatever they wanted for me. I've done whatever they've told me."

"But you're not happy?"

"I'm not unhappy."

"You should be happy with your life. You should live a life that makes you proud."

"Yeah, one step at a time, I guess."

"What is your first step?"

"Well, I need to tell them I broke up with my boyfriend."

"You haven't told them?" Virgo baulked.

Cammie shook her head.

"What are you going to tell them?"

"I don't know. I lied to them about my Dream."

"Why?"

"Because I was scared of what they would think."

"If you told them you Dreamed of girl?"

Cammie nodded. Virgo's stomach dropped. She thought she had been making progress with Cammie, had been breaking her walls down. Now, she wasn't so sure.

"I don't know what they would say."

Virgo nodded.

"I'm sorry."

Virgo glanced up. "What? Why are you apologizing?"

"Because you deserve someone better than me. Somone who can love you back and give you what you want."

"I don't want someone else."

Virgo's words stopped Cammie's heart. She felt frozen.

"I don't care that you can't love me back," Virgo continued.

Cammie swallowed.

"Virgo."

"I told you that I would be your friend if that's what you want. If you ever think you could have feelings for me that were more than friendship, then of course I want to more than friends. But I won't force you. I cannot lie to you though, I do hope one day you can love me too, because each day that passes by I realize how much I care about you."

The girls looked at each other. Virgo's eyes were wavering, as if she might begin to cry. Cammie felt her throat constrict, like breathing was suddenly impossible. Her mind was racing in all different directions and this inner conflict was raging: she wanted nothing more than for Virgo to tell her exactly how she felt, to leap across the table and embrace her; but she also knew what that would mean, that it would change things, that it would alter the friendship they had. Cammie knew that to admit any feelings in this moment would change the relationship in a way that she knew she wasn't ready for.

"Virgo, I. . ."

"Je tombe amoureuse de toi. T'es la plus belle fille que je n'ai jamais vue et je ne veux rien de plus que passer ma vie avec toi. Mais je ne peux pas te dire ça et ça ne brise pas. j'ai envie de toi."

Though the words were a complete mystery to Cammie, she felt them: felt the passion that poured through Virgo as she spoke, as she poured out her heart to Cammie in another language. Cammie knew why she did it; knew that Virgo couldn't say what she had said in English for fear of Cammie's reaction. But Cammie wasn't sure she needed to know exactly what was said. She looked at Virgo, who was blinking away tears.

"We should go," Virgo said, turning her face away from Cammie to hide the tears.

"Okay," Cammie whispered. The two girls walked silently back to the car. Virgo stared out the window on their drive home. Cammie didn't speak either, chewing her lip.

Cammie felt torn: she knew that she also had feelings for Virgo, but what could she say? Virgo was obviously in pain being this close to Cammie, to not being able to love her, to be with her Soulmate. Cammie couldn't imagin the ache that Virgo must have felt every time they were together, to have the person you were supposed to be with be this close and not being able to reach out and hold their hand. The thought made Cammie sick, thinking of the pain she was inflicting. But what could she do? She knew a relationship with Virgo with out of the question. Even the thought of being with her publically sent anxiety riddling through her body.

Everything had been going so well and now it was ruined. Things had gone too far and now Cammie felt like she couldn't even be Virgo's friend. She was hurting her. The thought disgusted her.

The entire ride back to Cammie's apartment, they both sat in contemplative silence. When they pulled up, Cammie threw the car in park, but didn't make any moves to exit the car.

"I can give you a ride home. I can fit your bike in my car," Cammie said.

"No, it's okay. I can ride home."

"Virgo, I'm sorry, I—"

"No, Cammie. I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I shouldn't have gotten emotional like that. I don't know what came over me. You were very clear that you didn't want anything. So I'm sorry."

Cammie searched her face.

"You shouldn't apologize for how you feel," Cammie said.

"Neither should you."

Virgo pushed open her car door, leaving Cammie with the full impact of Virgo's words.

After a moment of stunned silence, Cammie got out of the car and followed Virgo up the steps to the apartment. She unlocked the door and retrieved Virgo's bike for her.

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you home?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Okay," Cammie said, drawing a long pause. "Good night."

"Good night, Cammie."

Virgo left and in her wake, Cammie felt a lump in her stomach and her chest felt empty.

Thank you so much for reading everyone! I'm really sorry this chapter took so long. It was so difficult for me to write. I still kind of hate it, but I figured 3 weeks was long enough.

Also, sorry for the excuses for why it's taking me so long to update, but this school year has been an absolute shit show. Also, I got engaged! So now I'm planning a wedding in my free time.

I'll try and keep the updates between 1-2 weeks as best as I can. Thank you to everyone who is reading and has been sticking with this story. It means so much to me and really keeps me motivated to continue writing, especially when it's tough like this.