I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 34

One Month Later

Shea peeked his head outside after scouring the inside of the apartment in search of Virgo. He found her on their patio, legs tucked under herself, stuffed into a chair. A cigarette lazily dangling between her, the smoke trailing upward. In the other hand Virgo twirled a pen over a notebook with worlds scrawled across the page, crowded with underlining, cross outs and circles. All around the patio lay crumpled balls of paper tossed aside.

Wordlessly, Shea seated himself next to Virgo and reached for her pack of Camel Silvers, pulling out a slender roll. Virgo tossed him a lighter she produced from the pocket of her jacket. He lit the cigarette and inhaled, blowing smoke over the city.

"I thought Levi said you couldn't smoke anymore," Virgo observed, losing interest in Shea and returning to her notebook once again.

"What Levi doesn't know won't kill him."

"It might kill you."

"You still do it."

"I'm French."

Shea chuckled and sucked on his cigarette for a moment longer, tasting the flavors of the tobacco. A comfortable silence washed over them as Virgo scribbled in her notebook and Shea watched the traffic roll by.

"So, what's up?" Shea finally asked after finishing his first cigarette and reaching for another. Virgo lifted her notebook as if that was a sufficient answer. Shea shook his head to indicate that he wouldn't accept that answer. "You've been out here all day. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You've been weird the last couple of weeks." Virgo met Shea's gaze and held it, challenging him to say more. Unperturbed, Shea barreled on. "Is it Cammie?" When Virgo continued to give him that blank stare, he grimaced. "What happened this time? I thought things were going a little better? Not that I would know, you never really talk to me or tell me what's going on."

"I didn't know I had to tell you everything."

"Friends usually tell friends some things."

"I haven't felt up to talking."

"Do you ever feel up to talking?"

Virgo narrowed her eyes. "Things are not going well with Cammie, no."

There was a pregnant pause between them.

"Why are you so closed off to everyone?" Shea finally asked.

Her glare intensified. "What are you talking about?"

Shea rolled his eyes. "Don't talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot. You literally never talk about yourself or share anything with us. You've always been so closed off. You're so," Shea paused, searching for the right word. "Private."

Virgo plucked a cigarette from the box while she considered Shea's words. He tossed her back the lighter. After taking a drag, she looked at him once more, her expression softened.

"Am I?"

"I hardly know anything about you and I'm supposed to be your best friend."

Virgo shrugged dismissively and focused on her cigarette.

"What are you afraid of?"

"Why would I be afraid?"

"Don't most people share things with their friends?"

"I share things with you."

"Only when I ask."

"I don't want to tell you things you don't care about."

"I'm your friend, V. I care about everything." Virgo gave him a hard look. "Why don't you trust anymore?"

Virgo pushed aside her notebook and faced Shea, her face painted with disbelief. "Why? Because everyone leaves. My fucking father abandoned his family because he wasn't happy. Cammie is constantly running from me, pushing me away. Why would I care to let people get close to me when these things happen? I called my mother and she told me I am naive. She told me that I expect everything to be perfect and I have my head in the clouds. It is as if she thinks that I am living in some fantasy world."

"Why did she tell you this?" Shea asked gently.

Virgo quickly relayed the debacle with Cammie at the party, including the part where Cammie called Virgo selfish. When Virgo concluded her tale, Shea hummed in thought.

"Yeah, it's always hard when someone holds a mirror to you. It's never easy to see your fault."

Virgo puffed on her cigarette and did not respond. Shea waited patiently while Virgo wrestled with her own demons. From experience, Shea knew Virgo tried to hide her faults, her fears, her insecurities. In this way, he realized she was similar to Cammie, whom he realized also tried to hide her shortcomings. But who wasn't guilty of that? Were they all not in a pursuit to put their best selves on display? To show the word that they had everything figured out? This is the facade that Virgo tried so desperately to display. Shea had to admit that she had him fooled for quite a while, but eventually the cracks in the mask became visible, too obvious, and the charade failed. Virgo tried to bury herself deep inside a fairy tale, one that spoke lies that everything would be okay, that everything would work out. She neglected to deal with the pain and insecurities of her father leaving, causing her to be ill-equipped to deal with Cammie.

Of course, Shea knew all this, had worked it out for himself as he sat across from Virgo, but he did not say so. He knew that Virgo was not the type of person to take advice or instruction—she was a do-er and needed to figure this out by herself.

The friends lapsed into a silence once more while Virgo blankly stared out over the city. Shea picked up a crumbled paper from the ground and smoothed it over his knee. This page was written in French, so he could make out only a few words. After living with Virgo for some time, he knew that Virgo expressing herself in her native tongue indicated introspection.

Shea leaned over and collected a few more pages, smoothing them out and reading them. He caught a few lines written in English. As he put them together, he learned that Virgo was trying to write new music. The last year, all of her songs had been about Cammie, about this love that she had yet to meet. Once they met, all of the songs were filled with anger and longing. Now Shea found a page with words depicting her dedication and love for Cammie. He also found a page where her heart decried what she believed to be the unfair treatment and analysis of her naivety.

You say my head is in the cloud
That I live in a dream,
A wonderland of my own creation
Far from reality

But was this world not created for a purpose?
Was this not a fort constructed for protection?
If I can't see outside the walls
Then I can live in this ignorance
If I can't see outside the walls
Then I can feign my indifference

Shea glanced up from the page to observe Virgo once more, to study his friend more closely. What he saw before him was a heavily guarded vault, securely locked down and unwilling to open. He thought about their years of friendship and how during that time he really did not know much about Virgo. Shea liked to believe he knew her well, but he also understood he only knew what Virgo wanted him to see; Virgo was always careful to hold her cards close her chest. Shea liked to believe he knew a little more than Virgo would have liked, but that information was only gleaned from hours, days, years of friendship, of careful observations.

If Shea had to summarize Virgo's ideals and attitudes about life, he believed it would best be said in these few words: never look back. Virgo continually pushed forward and never stopped long enough to consider herself, her actions. Virgo was constantly in motion.

"You're right," Virgo said. It had been some time since she spoke and the sudden sound of her voice surprised them both. "I ignore everything that might be wrong and I try to cover anything bad."

"Why do you do that?" Shea asked, hoping to prompt Virgo to dig deep within herself. Her initial reaction was to shrug, to not deal with it, to just keep moving. But she knew that was no longer an option. To continue forward, to keep herself in motion, meant losing Cammie and quite possibly herself in her endless pursuit for unencumbered happiness. To continue forward meant to be her father. To continue forward meant she would lose herself.

"Because I am scared," Virgo finally said, voicing the truth that she had so long tried to avoid, to ignore. "I'm scared of what trusting means, of what staying means. I have looked for happiness and fulfillment everywhere except where I am. I came to the United States looking for Cammie. Or I thought I was. But I realize now I was looking for happiness to fill something that was missing in me."

Shea nodded.

"I thought I was looking for my Soulmate and that is how I justified my constant traveling, my constant movement. Then I found Cammie and she didn't want me and I felt that my life was meaningless, because I told myself I was moving to look for her. So when my purpose didn't want me I was left with nothing. Nothing but myself and the realization I was scared to be alone and to be with myself." Virgo looked at Shea and for the first time in their friendship he saw tears glimmering in her eyes. Her voice dropped to a whisper and Shea strained to hear the next words. "I'm so scared to be alone. I'm so scared of people leaving me. I never stopped long enough to think about this and admit it to myself, but that is the truth. That is my greatest fear and now it is right here, right in front of me, and I must face it."

Shea continued to nod his head but declined to speak while Virgo wrestled with her emotions and the sudden bleak epiphany.

"My mother told me I have my head in the clouds, but I suppose it was on purpose that I did that."

Virgo swallowed down her tears and took a deep breath. After an inactive moment, she reached for a cigarette to occupy her hands and mind.

"So what do you think this means?" Shea asked.

Virgo shook her head in confusion.

"What do you want to do? I mean, this all started because Cammie called you selfish and told you that you needed to choose her, right? That's why you called your mom and that's why you're out here now."

"Yes, I suppose."

"So what are you going to do? You know what the problem is now. Are you going to tell this to Cammie?"

"I don't know."

"So are you going to keep running?"

"I don't want to."

"I guess your third option is to stay here and not be with Cammie and work out your shit by yourself."

Virgo had to admit that wasn't the most appealing option. Despite the difficulties, the thought of not being with Cammie still stuck a painful blow to her very core.

"Perhaps working to better myself for my sake and Cammie's is the best option."

Shea shrugged, feigning indifference. "Maybe, but how can you work on your fear of being alone without someone to risk?"

"Well I would learn to be okay with being by myself."