I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 32

A small knock at the door, which indicated the knocker's lack of confidence, sounded through Cammie's room. She had tried to sleep, but quickly gave up the futile attempt and perched herself upon her desk chair, one leg tucked under her, back aching from the odd angle and which she hunched over the sketchbook, her hand moving wildly all over the page.

Cammie glanced at the door, but declined to give an answer. After a moment of the knocker's indecision, the door creaked open. Jess crossed the threshold and offered Cammie both a meek smile and a vanilla shake.

"Hey," Jess said, placing the shake on Cammie's desk and walking to the corner of the room to tug open her suitcase. She stripped off her clothes and pulled on pajamas while Cammie wrapped her fingers around the olive branch.

"You don't have to apologize," Cammie said.

"I hurt your feelings."

"What you said was true."

"Maybe I didn't say it so nicely or at the right time."

"It needed to be said."

"Maybe not."

Cammie swiveled on her chair to look at her sister, who offered her another weak smile as she sat on the bed. The two sisters assessed one another, eyes bouncing over the other, scanning, as if trying to discern some secret or clue. Absentmindedly, Cammie sipped the contents of her drink, wondering what to say to her sister. Jess wondered the same. After their exchange at the party, there seemed to be little else to say, though both sisters wanted to say something to fill the silence, it seemed to be quite the task. Eventually, Cammie spoke, once her drink was half-way drained.

"I think I needed to hear it," Cammie said, reflecting. "I think I needed someone to yell at me for me to finally stand up for myself."

Jess nodded solemnly. Although she couldn't say that she was happy, exactly, about how things had happened, about how she had handled her sister's cowardice and indecision, Jess supposed that Cammie was right: it had to be said—or rather yelled—for Cammie to finally understand.

"So what happened with Virgo?"

Cammie shrugged, sipping her dessert, and gave Jess the condensed version of their exchange.

"Jesus," Jess muttered.

"Yeah."

The two girls lapsed into a silence as they both considered the series of events that transpired this evening. Cammie, though deeply wounded, felt that tonight had been a small victory for herself. Perhaps things had not panned out the way she hoped, but if she was being honest with herself, she hadn't really had expectations for the night other than feeling uncomfortable in her own skin, worrying about every detail, wondering what everyone, especially Virgo, thought. After her outburst, Cammie felt a strong sense of relief, as if another weight had been lifted from her shoulders. It seemed that of late, Cammie was shedding more and more of the unnecessary burdens that had cause her to slouch under their weight her entire life.

"I'm proud of you for finally standing up for yourself. It's about time." Jess said, a faint smile appearing.

"Yeah, well," Cammie began. "I'm not really sure what's going to happen now. Virgo might hate me."

"I doubt that."

Cammie shrugged, not sure that was case. How many times would Virgo allow Cammie to push her away? How long would Virgo allow this roller coaster of emotions to continue before she wanted off the ride, decide the pleasure wasn't worth the cost of the pain? For her part, Cammie understood this; she knew that it was difficult, almost impossible, and she couldn't image the pain that she must be continually causing Virgo with her vacillation. But this is who she is, who she always has been. Perhaps there was a chance for change, for growth, but it would be a long uphill battle, one that Virgo never agreed to. Cammie hoped that Virgo would take this time to consider what she really wanted in her life, from her relationship, from Cammie.