I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 22

"What are you thinking?" Savannah asked.

The two were making their way home from the bar. It was close to midnight now; they had spent roughly two hours chatting with Virgo and her friends after the show and had only left because the bar was closing. Unofficial plans were made to all meet again and spend a night together.

Cammie, however, couldn't get Virgo out of her head, couldn't get the night out of her head. The euphoria Cammie felt when Virgo played her music still lingered in her veins; the ghost of her hammering heartbeat still vibrated in her chest. But worst of all was that strange sense of longing was growing stronger with each block they moved away from the bar.

Cammie shrugged.

"Do you like her?" Savannah asked hesitantly. She had watched Cammie and Virgo all night: watched how Cammie acted, how she looked at Virgo, her body language, the nervousness evident in all of Cammie's features. After tonight, there was absolutely no doubt in Savannah's mind that there was something there, something that Cammie couldn't fight anymore. Like a magnets, Cammie was drawn to Virgo—she couldn't help it.

Cammie shrugged again, not trusting her voice.

"I really like her," Savannah said. "And Shea and Levi. They're all a lot of fun."

Cammie nodded. "Yeah."

"Cam, it's okay to have feelings for Virgo. If I were in your position, it would be hard not feel something."

Cammie didn't respond. Soon they pulled up to their apartment and exited the Lyft. They made their way upstairs. Savannah unlocked the door and glanced at Cammie.

"I know it's scary, but Cammie, it's very obvious that Virgo cares about you—a lot—not even just from the music she wrote, but everything else. The way she talked to you, the way she looked at you. That girl is crazy about you."

Was this to obvious to everyone except for Cammie? Why was it that everyone could see how much Virgo cared for Cammie except herself? How could everyone see—or perceive—how much she cared Virgo but herself? How was this entire relationship so clear to everyone but herself?

"Tell me what you're thinking," Savannah encouraged again.

Cammie glanced at Savannah, conflicted. She felt a war raging in her mouth: the one side fighting to hold her tongue, to keep her lips closed and keep her from saying something she would regret while the other half wanted to pour all of her thoughts out, explain to Savannah exactly what she was feeling, even if she didn't fully understand it herself. She wanted to scream at her lack of understanding and demand that Savannah tell her why she was the last person to know everything. She wanted Savannah to tell her why this was so hard.

She just wanted answers.

"I hate that I'm last person to know everything. Why is it so easy for everyone else to know how I'm feeling, but I can't seem to figure out how I'm feeling? Why is it so easy for you and Jen to tell me I like Virgo or that Virgo likes me, meanwhile I'm in the dark and I have no idea what's going on? How can everyone else know when I'm not sure how to feel?" Cammie cried.

The frusteration was bubbling in Cammie's chest, the torrent of emotions muddled by the whirpool of confusion.

"Tell me what you're feeling!" Savannah demanded. "Everyone has had to guess at what you're feeling and thinking because you won't tell anyone. So do it now. Tell me what you're thinking Camille. Tell me and be honest with yourself!"

Cammie took a deep breath and held Savannah's gaze for a moment. Her confidence waivered, but Savannah's intense gaze encouraged her to continue.

"I," Cammie began, fumbling over this one word several times before she could spit the rest of her words out. "I really like being around her. I really like being her friend. I just . . . If I let myself," Cammie paused, struggling to produce the words. "If I let myself have feelings for her then it's . . ." Another pause.

"Real." Savannah finished for her.

"Exactly. Right now, I can still pretend everything is normal—that I'm normal—that nothing will change. But if I admit that I like her then. . ."

Savannah nodded; she understood. If Cammie allowed herself to embrace these feelings for Virgo, then the change that Cammie had feared since the morning of her twenty-first birthday would come to fruition; she would have to face the consequences of this decision.

"I'm still scared of what my parents are going to think if I tell them. I can't imagine bringing Virgo home. I just couldn't, even if I did like her."

"Well, I think you're getting ahead of yourself here. Liking Virgo doesn't mean anything. Liking Virgo doesn't mean you're going to get married. Liking her doesn't mean you have to bring her home to your family. You're taking all this in one huge step when you should be taking smaller, baby steps. If you like Virgo, the first thing you should do is tell yourself it's okay to like her. That's what you need to do first. You need to be okay with it. It doesn't matter what I think or Jen or your parents or even Virgo. All that matters is what you think."

"It's never mattered what I think," Cammie said. "It's always been what my parents think. Always."

"Can this time be different?"

"I don't know," Cammie said, shaking her head.

"Why not? Why can't this time be different?"

Cammie shrugged, fighting back tears.

"This isn't school or a job. I know those are important, but this is your Soulmate. This one has to be what you want. I know your parents are hard on you Cammie, but they aren't cruel. They don't want to punish you; they want what's best for you and Virgo could be what's best for you, but you'll never know unless you give her a chance."

Cammie nodded silently, her head still reeling. Deep within, Cammie knew they were only having this conversation because the feelings that were bubbling to the surface were become unavoidable. It seemed that the Dream wasn't wrong; at least, it was becoming increasingly difficult to deny that Cammie felt something. It was a slow process, like a flower blooming, but still, Cammie could no longer ignore what she felt in her stomach each time Virgo's name illuminated her screen. And Cammie definitely couldn't deny what she felt tonight. Between the songs, witnessing another person else hitting on Virgo, learning from Shea how Virgo reacted everytime Cammie texted her . . . She knew that there was something there. Of course, hadn't she known it all along? Isn't that why she ran from Virgo the first time she saw her?

"Sav, I'm scared," Cammie whispered. All of the dark and scary thoughts, the overwhelming anxiety of everything falling apart began to constrict her throat and squeeze tears out her eyes. She felt herself hyperventilating.

"Hey, hey, hey! Calm down! Deep breaths. In. Out." Savannah grabbed Cammie's hands and breathed in and out with her, making Cammie match her own breathing.

"It's okay. It's okay. We're going to get through this together, Cam."

Cammie modded, tears falling freely now.

"Cammie listen: if you like her that's okay. If you like her, you don't have to do anything about it right now. Just let yourself feel. Don't tell Virgo; it's fine. She's in no rush; you're in no rush. Just let yourself feel what you feel for her. And that's it. That's our first step."

Cammie nodded.

"It's okay to like a girl. This isn't going to change anything about your life. The only thing that's going to change is that when you pictured your future you had a husband; you'll just have a wife now. It doesn't change anything, Cam, I promise you."

Cammie nodded again, chewing her lip and wanting desparately to believe the words Savannah offered as a lifeline.

"Go get ready for bed you can sleep with me tonight and we can watch TV."

"I have class in the morning."

Savannah smirked. "You're gay now, you can miss one class." Savannah winked and then laughed, just to make sure Cammie knew she was joking.

Against all odds, Cammie laughed too, grateful to have such a friend.

Cammie returned to her room and began to undress, feeling calmer than she had all night. Savannah was right: if she liked Virgo, it was okay. She didn't have to do anything about it. And that was okay. If she could admit that she liked girls—or if she could admit that she liked one girl—that would be a good step. She could do that much. Admitting she liked Virgo didn't mean anything. Admitting she liked Virgo to herself wouldn't change anything.

As she repeated this mantra to herself, her phone buzzed. Virgo's name illuminated the screen. Cammie couldn't keep the smile that came to her lips automatically at the sight of her name, though it was coupled with a small pang of anxiety.

Hey, you're probably already asleep because it's way passed your bed time, but I wanted to say thank you for coming tonight. I had fun meeting your friends! Shea and Levi really liked you guys too :) bonne nuit

Cammie smiled and put her phone down. She decided she would reply in the morning.