I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 14

She wrote a song about me. She wrote a song for me.

Cammie had never been the romantic type. When she was young, she had always thought the Disney movies where the prince saved the princess was fine, but she really did not see the need for the prince in the first place. Most of the princesses, in her opinion, where fine on their own and would have probably figured out a solution to their problem some way or another. If they weren't the type of princess that exuded ingenuity, well, Cammie simply did not care for those movies.

In high school, when Adam had brought her flowers, executed outrageous Promposals, and even raised a stereo above his head outside of her window like in movies, she was unfazed. Of course, she thought the idea was cute and she acted the part of surprised girlfriend well enough that Adam believed all of his valiant attempts at romance were well received. But all in all, Cammie had never been swept off of her feet by any romantic gesture, even when Adam had written a song for her. All of these past experiences lead Cammie to believe that she just wasn't into any of that sappy romance stuff.

This was different.

The moment that Cammie realized Virgo was singing about her, that Virgo had written songs about her, she felt a jolt of euphoria burst through her chest like she had never known. She never knew it was possible to feel this special, this adored, this seen. Virgo, in one night, had accomplished what Adam had not been able to in four years.

And it scared her.

Cammie rolled over in her bed and glanced at the illuminated screen of her phone. It told her the time was well passed midnight. Sleep was elusive; no matter what she did, her brain would not turn off and allow her the small reprieve of sleep. All of Cammie's senses vibrated with images and thoughts of the French girl. The melodic voice rang throughout her eardrums, though it had been hours since she last heard the girl utter a syllable. When she closed her eyes, she saw Virgo; when she stared at the dark ceiling, she saw Virgo. There was no escape. Not this time. Her best efforts still left her helpless with unwanted longing for the French girl. Even now, a nervous warmth was spreading in her stomach as she played through memories of the night.

This unbridled desire for the Dream girl was not something that Cammie had ever anticipated. From the time she had opened her eyes on her birthday, she had done everything within her power to fight her fate, to convince herself of her unyielding love for Adam and the absolute certainty that her Dream had been faulty, a defect. For months since that day she rehearesed this mantra that her Dream was a fluke and life would go on like always.

But now?

Now she was seeing Virgo everywhere. Of course, Cammie had had to battle visions of Virgo in the wake of her Dream, but it was nothing like this; Virgo infiltrated every corner of her consciousness. Cammie could not escape the allure of those deep, brown eyes, the curve of her mouth when she spoke and sang, or the accent that lingered on her tongue.

And worse? Cammie wanted to see her. For so long, she had fought tooth and nail against any glipse of the girl, against any thought of her. Instead, she had tried to replace all of these images with an inundation of Adam, anything to keep her demons at bay.

Tonight, however, Cammie found herself unable or unwilling to fight. Every glimpse of the girl sent chills down her spin and she could not will her body or mind to stop. When she closed her eyes, her imagination constructed images laying next to Virgo, running her fingers through the girl's brown hair, kissing her cheeks, her forehead, her mouth. Cammie dreamed of their hands intertwining, fingers locked together.

How could I possibly be fantasizing about her?

With guilt flooding through her, Cammie shot out of bed, unable to be alone with herself any longer. She shuffled across the apartment and lightly knocked on the door to the adjacent room before pulling it open. Savannah was watching some show on her laptop. At the sight of Cammie, she immediately pushed it aside and slipped out of bed.

"Are you okay?"

Cammie tried to answer, but quickly realized that it was not words that were forming, but tears. They silently pooled in the corner of her eyes as a mixture of emotion swirled in her like a hurricane. Sensing the emotion overtaking her friend, Savannah wrapped Cammie in a hug and pulled her back into bed, cradling her like a child.

The torrential downpour of tears wracked Cammie as she cried into Savannah's arms. She had not realized that she had felt like crying for weeks. It was only the realization that some small part of herself desired Virgo that was enough to make her crack, break. Her body released the built up tension in a cathartic experience that left her feeling both exhausted and drained.

"Talk to me," Savannah cooed.

There were a million things that Cammie felt she could have talked to Savannah about. Should she confess to Savannah these new feelings she hadn't realized were there? Should she tell her that she was terrified of looking at the truth? Should she tell her she wasn't completely sure how she felt about Adam anymore? Or should she tell Savannah that her plan to lure Cammie into the same room as Virgo to hear her sing had worked?

Cammie herself still wasn't sure what all of these feelings meant. Did having these feelings bubbling up for Virgo mean that she was gay? Did it mean she loved Adam any less? Was everything a lie? She could never recall being attracted to women before, but now that the feelings for Virgo were coming into focus, Cammie felt like her entire life was under that same microscope that revealed the truth about Virgo; each adjustment seemed to show her things that she had missed before. Now every relationship with another girl was being scrutinized and Cammie began to realize that perhaps there was something there, something she had never cared to look for.

"You don't feel weird being in the same bed as me?" Cammie finally asked after a long moment of silent contemplation. Of all of the things that were swimming through Cammie's head at this moment, she decided that she was not quite ready to takle any of them. Instead, she settled on asking a lame question, a weak deflection to avoid talking about what was truly on her mind. Her thoughts were wandering down a dangerous path and her only attempt to real them in was distraction.

Savannah pushed her friend away to look at her more clearly. Though the apartment was dark, light seeped in through Savannah's cracked curtains and she could just make out the sheepish expression scrawled on Cammie's face. It was obvious to Savannah that behind those eyes, a war was waging, but Savannah couldn't decipher the combatants. Cammie had always been so easy to read, but lately it seemed that she had figured out how to hide herself.

"Cammie, you've seen me naked. Multiple times. Just because you're gay, or might be gay, doesn't mean I feel any differently about you. Plus, I'm pretty sure if you had been attracted to me, I'd have known a while ago."

A nervous laugh of relief escaped Cammie's lips. When Cammie had confessed her Dream to Savannah on the beach all those weeks ago, she had wondered how Savannah had truly felt about the news of Cammie's potention attraction to women. At the beach, Cammie wondered if Savannah was so concerned about being there for her friend, that she neglected to tell Cammie what she really thought about her best friend's sexuality. Cammie had been absolutely terrified to pursue the topic afterward because she had been so worried that Savannah would not want to have the same relationship with her that they had had for so many years; so worried that Savannah would not want to live in their apartment together anymore.

"Thank you," was all Cammie could manage. Savannah would have no idea just how much that simple gesture of acceptance would mean.

"Cam, this Dream doesn't change anything about you. All it changes is the gender of the person you love. It doesn't make you weird, or different, or anyone else other than Cammie. Your sexuality doesn't define you. It's just one of the many things about you."

"So many people won't like that one thing about me, though."

"So fuck those people, Cam. They don't matter."

"My parents matter."

"And if they love you like they say they do, then they won't think any differently of you."

Cammie didn't reply. Her parents were an entirely different beast that she would have to deal with. Tonight was not the time to give worry to that. Instead, she decided to brave the topic she had originally come in here to avoid.

"Why did you bring me to the open mic night?"

Savannah knew this question would come up eventually, but was not enthusiastic about answering it. She still wasn't entirely sure if Cammie was upset with her for the complete blindside.

"I wanted you to give her a chance," Savannah admitted.

"How did you know that she would be there?"

It was Savannah's turn for nervous laughter.

"I saw on her Instagram..."

"You're following her on Instagram?" Cammie demanded.

"Yeah."

"How did you even find her on Instagram?"

"I may have gone to the coffee shop she works at."

"Why?"

"I wanted to see what she looked liked. And I wanted to meet her."

"Meet her?"

"Yeah, I wanted to meet her. I wanted to see your Soulmate was like."