I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 37

Cammie stood before the mirror, her biggest adversary when it came to the final inspection. Despite insisting that she didn't need to hover over ever detail of her hair and make-up like she usually did, Cammie could not resist the temptation of conditioning; the echo of her mother's voice lingering in her head.

The battle was lost, Cammie leaned in, inspecting her mascara to ensure that not a lash was out of place.

"You look beautiful," Savannah commented, peeking her head into the bathroom. This immediately snapped Cammie out of the obsessive reviewing of her looks, a slight flush covering her cheeks at having been caught in the same routine. Savannah, however, did not seem to notice.

"Thanks," Cammie replied. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ears, her hands alight with motion, with the need to fix something.

"Nervous?"

"Extremely."

Tonight, Cammie would be joining Virgo and her family for dinner to meet them for the first time. Yesterday, Virgo picked up her family from the airport after a long flight from France. They were in LA both to witness Virgo graduate and to enjoy a family vacation. Virgo planned for her family to meet Cammie tonight, before the ceremony tomorrow. Cammie, of course, happily obliged, but that entailed meeting Virgo's family. That alone, as she described it to Savannah, scared the shit out of her.

There wasn't quite a way for Cammie to express how she felt about the meeting: nervous didn't cover it. All at once, Cammie felt apprehensive, tense, nauseous, and self-conscious; but she also felt excited, anticipating the meeting. From what Virgo described, her brothers and mother were kind and accepting people; Cammie could not foresee any issues. The problem, however, came in the form of diffidence: Cammie so desperately wanted the Payets to like her that she felt her heart hammering in her chest the moment she woke up. A million questions raced through her head, the worst of which screamed, What if they don't like you?

"Don't be worried, Cam. They'll love you. Everyone does."

"Yeah, but what if they don't?" Cammie questioned, playing devil's advocate.

Instead of answering her question, Savannah rolled her eyes, knowing nothing she could say would persuade Cammie to think otherwise; her friend would simply have to endure the anxiety until the meeting where it would inevitably dissipate. Savannah crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the frame of the doorway, pinning down with her gaze. "Stop over-analyzing this and just relax. Does her family speak English?"

"Yeah, her brothers do. I think she said her mom speaks a little. I don't know how much though."

"Good thing you've been practicing French."

"Yeah right. I can say 'hi, how are you?' and 'my name is Cammie.' And I can't even remember how to say it politely. What if I insult her mom, like, immediately?"

"So you're telling me you're going to impress her family with your French? Oh là là là." Savannah grinned, wiggling her eyebrows.

"I hate you. Don't you have someone else to bother tonight?"

The grin Savannah wore grew wider. "Oh stop it. You love me. You're gonna miss this when you move to France."

Cammie offered a poignant smile, her mind now drifting even farther into the future, a future where Cammie and Savannah, the inseparable duo, would be separated with finality. Since telling Savannah of her decision to move, she tried not to speak about it too much because a harrowing feeling nestled its way into the pit of her stomach at the thought of leaving. Savannah, however, dealt with difficult things the way Savannah always dealt with difficult things: by making a joke of them.

"I doubt I'll miss these pep-talks," Cammie joked, easing herself into the idea that her days in California—in the States—were numbered.

"Yeah, right. You'll be calling me on day two begging me to tease you."

Cammie grinned and playfully rolled her eyes at her best friend. Their inevitable separation was a beast that had to be dealt with another time, more preferably never. For now, it was time to meet her future in-laws and not make a fool of herself.


When Cammie arrived at the restaurant, she did not immediately make a move to leave the car, her hands sitting firmly on the steering wheel. Instead, her limbs suddenly felt like they weighed a thousand pounds. Cammie willed herself to retrieve her phone and send Virgo a text signaling her arrival. Her girlfriend immediately responded and said she would meet her out front.

Cammie took a deep breath and pulled herself out of the car. As she approached the restaurant, Virgo appeared through the doors moments later, a grin as wide as the Seine on her face. The woman who walked through the doors stole Cammie's breath away; Virgo looked stunning. Cammie was used to the Virgo who worked at the coffee shop and strummed her guitar in a jean jacket and tattered sneakers. This Virgo, however, was an entirely new specimen.

The French girl wore a simple black dress. It showed off Virgo's myriad of tattoos and pronounced collarbone. There was nothing flashy in the design, but the simplicity accentuated her elegance. Her hair fell in lazy curls around her shoulders.

"You're absolutely stunning," Cammie muttered bashfully. Virgo swept Cammie into her arms and kissed her tenderly.

"So do you," Virgo murmured against Cammie's lips. Slowly pulling away, Virgo admired her Soulmate, taking in every detail of her face. "You are magnificent."

Her girlfriend's enthusiasm was contagious and Cammie soon found herself mirroring the expression.

"I had no idea you owned a dress," Cammie teased.

"I know, I look much better in jeans."

Cammie's eyes lingered on the plunging neckline of Virgo's dress and drew her eyes back up, a smirk on her lips. "I don't know. This is pretty nice."

The girls laughed together and made their way inside. Virgo reached out to clasp Cammie's hand, their fingers lacing together. Cammie gripped her girlfriend's hand, the nerves coursing through her body. A reassuring squeeze from Virgo gave Cammie the bit of confidence she needed to continue walking through the restaurant without collapsing.

The Payet family was unmistakable: they all had the same shade of light brown hair and wore similar grins that Cammie's often observed Virgo making. As they approached, each other the Payets stood to embrace Cammie, their grins growing wider like she was some sort of gift and it was Christmas morning.

"Everyone, this is Cammie." Virgo gestured politely to Cammie and named each of her family members.

"Cammie, it is so good to finally meet you. I'm Benoit." Virgo's eldest brother exclaimed. He pulled Cammie in and kissed both of her cheeks. His hair was a wild mess of curls on his head and he wore a thick beard.

"Cammie, we have heard so much of you. I am happy to meet you. My name is Matthieu." The other brother embraced Cammie in a similar fashion. He wore his hair in a similar fashion but kept himself clean shaven. Both brothers spoke clear enough for Cammie to understand, but they had thicker French accents than Virgo did, her time in the States thinning it out.

Benoit and Matthieu both wore button-down shirt tucked into belts. Cammie thought they looked very nice and couldn't help but think her mother would have approved of both of these men. In fact, Cammie was sure even Virgo would pass her mother's impossible standards.

"And this," Virgo said, placing a gentle hand on Cammie's back. "Is my mother, Amélie."

"Hello, Cammie." Virgo's mother said, offering her a kind smile. "You are as beautiful as Virgo said. Your hair is like gold."

Amélie's accent was by far the thickest, English a challenge for her tongue. Cammie, however, appreciated the effort Amélie gave in trying to converse with her in her native language.

"Thank you," Cammie replied shyly, embarrassed by the compliment. In a sudden burst of courage, she uttered, "Enchantée." Cammie hoped it didn't sound lame, but wanted to please Virgo's mother with the bits of French that she retained.

Amélie beamed, her eyes holding nothing but unconditional love for her's daughter's Soulmate. It seemed second nature to Virgo's mother to embrace Cammie as her own. This unthinking acceptance threw Cammie, who immediately realized she built a wall between herself and Virgo's mother, had come to this dinner building up ammo and defenses like she was going to war. Cammie was prepared to fight for her love with Virgo, for acceptance. Cammie unknowingly expected resistance from this meeting, attributing her own mother's attitude to Virgo's. The moment she realized her mistake, Cammie felt extremely embarrassed. Amélie was not Elizabeth.

"I'm really happy to meet you all. I've heard so much about everyone," Cammie said hastily to dispel any awkwardness she felt.

"I hope they are good things," Benoit teased, elbowing Virgo. "Virgo always exaggerates. She says mean things about us. They are not true."

Virgo shot a glare at her brother. "I do not. You two are the mean ones."

The family laughed together as Virgo playfully began to bicker with her brothers in French, who both seemed to have created a system in which they teamed up against Virgo.

Despite her nerves, the welcome she received from the Payets was enough to cure any lingering unease she felt.

As the siblings teased one another, Amélie rattled off what Cammie believed to be a lighthearted scolding. The family laughed, but ceased their fighting. The waiter returned shortly after and Benoit ordered a bottle of wine for the table. As they sipped on the crisp alcohol, he lead the conversation.

"Cammie, Virgo tells us you are moving to France."

Cammie nodded. "Yes, I'm doing a study abroad program. I'll be living in Aix-en-Provence."

"Ah, it is close to us."

"That's what Virgo said."

"We will spend a lot of time together," Matthieu added. "Soon you will like us more than Virgo."

Cammie laughed when Virgo muttered "Whatever" and grinned.

"See? I told you they would be like this," Virgo said to Cammie.

"Virgo you are too serious. You don't love us," Matthieu said, pretending to be wounded from her words.

Virgo shook her head, but grinned. To see Virgo with her family opened up an entirely new world for Cammie. It was as if she found a new door in a house and was able to explore the entire room. This was a side of Virgo she had only been able to glimpse from the windows of photographs and stories relayed. Now, Cammie was able to see how much Virgo valued her family and how they righted her. Suddenly, Cammie had a more complete of Virgo.

"We will show you all around France and show you the best boulangeries and wines. You will also meet our families."

"Your wives couldn't come?" Cammie asked, vaguely recalling that Virgo mentioned her brother's were married, though she had never seen photos.

"No, not this time. It was a bit too expensive. We will plan another trip soon," Matthieu said. "Benoit's wife is pregnant and she did not want to travel. My wife stayed with her to keep her company while we are away."

Both brother's pulled out their phones and showed Cammie pictures of their wives.

"They're beautiful. I can't wait to meet them."

"We will all have fun in France!"

"You guys will have to show me around and teach me to be French."

"It is no problem. We are the most qualified for the job," Matthieu joked, puffing out his chest in mock importance. Virgo rolled her eyes, but it caused a fit of laughter from Cammie.

"Do you speak any French, Cammie?" Benoit asked.

"Un peu," Cammie replied lamely. She spoke her words slowly, carefully, thinking first in English and translating it in her head. It was cumbersome to speak this way, but the French was not yet natural. "Je pratique depuis un mois."

Though Cammie's words were heavily accent with her American accent and her sentences simple, to the Payet family, it was as if Cammie had shared the secret to eternal life. Everyone's face lit up, including Virgo's, who beamed proudly at her girlfriend.

Virgo, of course, knew Cammie's level in French and understood that she only knew a few things; Cammie was far from fluent, even conversationally. But Virgo also knew it would mean a lot to her family, especially her mother, if Cammie attempted to converse in French, though she kept this to herself, not wanting Cammie to feel unnecessary pressure.

"Très bien!" Beinoit said. After those two words, Cammie was lost in his rapid French.

Cammie blinked, her eyes unfocused as she became lost in the foreign sounds. The only practice Cammie had conversing in French with another person was Virgo, who spoke very slowly, enunciated, and no issues with repeating herself two, three, four times. To hear another French speaker talk to her at a normal pace suddennly terrified her; would she be ready to move to a new country in a few short months? There were no illusions that her French was far from perfect; she was still a beginner. However, for someone used to excelling at all she accomplished, a new language was suddenly an obstacle she couldn't leap over on the first attempt.

"He said you speak very well for a beginning and you will learn quickly," Virgo translated, noting Cammie's baffled expression. A smile touched her lips as she watched the cogs in Cammie's head spin, trying to unravel the mysteries of the foreign words.

"Merci," Cammie said and laughed, happy she could respond with a few words here and there. While seemingly inconsequential to her, the Payets were delighted to hear the few utterances of French spilling heavily from Cammie's mouth.

Cammie's short answer seemed to satisfy the brothers.

"When you come to France we will only speak to you in French. Then you will learn quickly," Matthieu teased. While the thought seemed dubious, Cammie supposed it would be a trial by fire.

"What will you be studying while you are in Aix?" Matthieu asked, breaking Cammie out her spiraling worry. "The same subject as here?"

"I think I will be taking classes on the French language. I think I'll be taking a few law classes too."

"You are studying to be a lawyer?" Benoit asked.

"Yes, that's right."

"Are you going to sue people?"

"Theoretically, I guess I could."

"Isn't that what lawyers do? They sue people?" Matthieu asked.

"Well, technically no, but they do help people sue other people."

"There must be many lawyers in America to help everyone sue."

"I don't . . ." Cammie began, trying to put the pieces together of Matthieu said.

"Don't Americans sue everyone?" the serious expression on Matthieu's face caused Cammie to burst into laughter. The other followed suit.

"I guess we do. Is that what you think of Americans?"

The brothers exchanged looks which told Cammie that yes, they did believe that.

Virgo turned to her mother and translated the conversation to French. Amélie smiled, joining in on the joke. Her mother said something to Virgo in French, which Cammie didn't catch. Virgo then looked at her and repeated the question in English.

"My mom wants to know what kind of law you want to study."

Cammie thought for a moment, then mustering her best accent, responded directly. "Je ne veux pas étudier . . ." Cammie paused, unsure of how to say the word "law."

"Le doit," Virgo offered helpfully.

"Le droit parce que je n'aime pas."

A smile appeared on her mother's lips. Cammie, sure she made a mistake or two and sure her accent was atrocious, smiled meekly, hoping that Amélie caught the gist of what she tried to say. It seemed, however, that Amélie understood, at least enough

"Pourquoi?" Amélie asked.

"Mes parents . . ." Cammie began, then sighed, realizing her small vocabulary would prevent from speaking further. "Je suis désolée, je ne sais pas comment dire en français."

"I will translate," Virgo said, offering Cammie another encouraging smile. The Payets were all smiling as well, appreciating Cammie's attempt to converse in French.

"I don't really like law. My parents made me study it to take over the family business. I would rather study art."

Virgo repeated this in French. Her mother nodded and spoke again in French.

"She wants to know why you don't study art instead?"

"My parents are paying for my college. If I wanted to become a lawyer, I would have to go to school after I graduated with my Bachelor's degree and I've decided that I won't do that. I'll do something else, but I'm not quite sure what, especially with a degree in political science, the options to work in my field will be limited, but that's okay. This way I'll try something different." Cammie paused while Virgo translated. Amélie nodded and hummed in understanding. When Virgo finished, Cammie added, almost to herself, "Maybe I'll stay in France with Virgo if my French improves enough."

Virgo smiled, a twinkle in her eye that Cammie couldn't quite decipher. Both of her brothers grinned as well and began speaking to Cammie as Virgo translated Cammie's last sentence.

"You will love France too much to move back home!" Matthieu promised.

"Yes, and surely you'll want to stay near your niece or nephew when they are born?" Benoit asked hopefully.

Cammie blinked, completely caught off guard by this claim. Though Virgo and she were years away from marriage, Cammie supposed that when they did eventually marry, Cammie would have the responsibilities of an aunt. She discretely glanced at Virgo to read her reaction to this news, but Virgo didn't seem to notice, too preoccupied conserving with her mother.

"My mom said, 'maybe you can teach English for a while in France until you learn enough French.'"

Cammie looked to Amélie, who smiled expectantly.

"Bien sûr! Anything that's not law school," Cammie said laughing. The entire table erupted into laughter. "That might be my only option if I don't learn French in this learn."

"You will find it easy to learn when everyone around you is speaking," Benoit assured her. "Don't worry."

Cammie offered a lopsided smile, unsure of herself. Listening to the constant babble of French between the Payets made Cammie feel like it would be impossible to learn such a complex language.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine," Virgo whispered in Cammie's ear. The assurance did little to assuage the anxiety building, but Cammie tried her best to push it aside.

"Okay, let's practice now," Cammie announced. "Teach me something useful to say in French."

The brothers looked at each other. Matthieu muttered something to Benoit, which cause him and Virgo to both laugh, but t caused Amélie's mouth to hang open. She scolded Matthieu, but Cammie could see the ghost of a smile on their mother's lips. Matthieu said something quickly to his mother and soon the entire family was laughing, the joke lost on Cammie, but she smiled nonetheless.

This moment that the Payets shared was precious; an intimate moment that Cammie felt lucky to be a part of. Cammie was able to see the ease in which the Payets loved. It was easy for Cammie to understand where Virgo obtained her open heart; it seemed that this was a trait all of the children inherited from their mother. Amélie was open, honest, and kind. The exact opposite of her own mother, her own family.

The sadness struck Cammie once again as she realized this would never be her family, never be the experience Virgo had. Cammie vaguely wondered how important family was to Virgo? She knew family was always important to her and always believed that she would need to love her partner's family as well. In fact, Cammie had almost considered it mandatory for her partner's family to be married with several children.

Now suddenly Cammie was on the other end of this, herself and her sister estranged.

"My brother was going to teach you something bad to say," Virgo said, breaking Cammie from her trance. Cammie quickly smiled, bringing herself back to reality.

"Did you tell him I already know a plethora of curses?"

Virgo laughed. "I did, actually. They like you more already."

A warmth spread through Cammie at mention of the acceptance the brothers gave. Cammie realized she was craving acceptance from Virgo's family.

"Okay, okay, okay!" Matthieu said, still breaking with laughter. "I know what I will teach you." He glanced at his mother who gave him a warning glance and added, "Ce n'est pas mal." Amélie shook her head.

"Okay, what is it?" Cammie asked, focusing on the words she was to learn.

"J'ai pas ton temps," Matthieu said. "It is Virgo's favorite phrase."

"Connard," Virgo said to her brother.

"Virgo!" Amélie warned.

They were laughing again.

"He says it's my favorite phrase because they both said that to me all the time when were younger. Even now," Virgo said, rolling her eyes.

"What does it mean?" Cammie asked.

"It means 'I don't have your time'."

Cammie cocked her head to the side in question.

"It's basically telling a person you don't want to talk to them anymore. In my brothers' cases, they thought I was annoying and wanted me to stop talking. So if someone is talking to you and you don't care about what they're saying or you're tired of someone, you just say 'je pas ton temps.'"

"Can you repeat it?" Cammie asked. Matthieu obliged and Cammie tested out the phrase "So when I'm tired of you, I just say 'j'ai pas ton temps'?" Cammie teased.

"Exactly!" Matthieu said, laughing.

"You guys have to tell me the most embarrassing story you have about Virgo." Cammie quickly diverted the conversation away from herself. Both brothers grinned devilishly and Virgo groaned.

The brothers dove into many stories from their youth, taking turns embarrassing Virgo, trying to one-up each others stories. The evening passed in laughter, mostly at Virgo's expense.

When they were finished telling the story, Virgo was bright red with embarrassment and Cammie was grinning. Mathieu quickly explained to their mother the story they just told and she too grinned.

"You guys can go fuck yourselves," Virgo threatened, laughter on her lips.

"Avez-vous entendu ce que votre fille a dit?" Benoit said to their mother.

"Non, rien, rien. Arrête. Arrête!" Virgo pleaded. Benoit ignored her request and told their mother what Virgo said

"Virgo!" Their mother said, laughing.

"Snitches get stitches," Cammie said casually to Benoit.

"What?" He asked baffled. Cammie laughed, realizing that probably sounded ridiculous. Virgo also appeared confused, never having encountered this phrase.

"You know a snitch is someone who tells on another person. So a snitch gets stitches, because they get beat up for tattling."

After a moment of comprehension, everyone burst into laughter.

"I'm going to say that!" Matthieu announced.

The rest of evening passed nicely. There was no scrutiny or belittlement from the Payet family. They didn't seem to care about anything other than getting to know Cammie and who she was. It was a much different taste than what she expected her family to have been like. A small pang of sadness gripped her heart as she thought about what it would have been like to introduce Virgo to her parents. She imagined it would be the exact opposite of this interaction. Her family was so open, so honest, so earnest in their affections and dedication to getting to know her.

And her family? The Drivers? She imagined it would be like a courtroom, her father interrogating Virgo on the witness stand. Although Virgo did not strike Cammie as the type of person to break under pressure or bullying. Perhaps Virgo could stand up to her parents.

Regardless, she knew that her parents had no desire to meet Virgo and that hurt.

All too soon, the evening came to a close and they all said their goodbyes.

"Cammie will meet you at your hotel tomorrow to drive you to the ceremony," Virgo told her family again as they detailed the plan for tomorrow. "She will be there at nine in the morning."

"Yes, yes, we will see you tomorrow," Benoit said, waving off his sister. "Cammie, we will see you tomorrow. It was so good to meet you."

They said their goodbyes and before Virgo stepped into the car, she pulled Cammie into a hug and whispered in her ear, "Will you come over tonight?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Of course."

"Let me go pack a bag and I'll drive over."

"I'll see you soon."

They quickly kissed and parted ways.

As Cammie stepped in the car, the nice feelings that affected Cammie while she was at dinner faded and there was nothing to distract her from the dark thoughts creeping into her heart. Cammie knew she could not be alone with herself or the beast would swallow her whole, even on a quick drive back home.

Cammie picked up her phone and called Jess. She answered on the second ring.

"Hey, Cam. What's up?" When Cammie didn't immediately say anything, her throat constricting with emotion, concern laced Jess' voice. "Are you okay?"

Cammie silently steadied her breathing and evened out her voice. "Yeah, I just need to talk. I feel so shitty tonight."

"What? Why? I thought you were meeting Virgo's family tonight? Did it go badly?

"No, actually. It went great. The opposite of bad."

"I don't understand."

Cammie took a deep breath and explained how wonderful the evening was. "I love her brothers. They were so kind and welcoming and made me feel like I was part of the family almost immediately. They're already making plans to hang out with me when I move to France. And . . . And one of her brothers is about to have a baby and he called the baby my nephew. It was just so nice."

Jess hummed to let Cammie know she was following the story.

"And her mom was just . . ." Cammie felt the tears spring to her eyes, her throat constricting once again, a weight pressing down in her stomach. "Her mom barely spoke English, but I felt like she cared about me more than our mom every did."

Both sisters went silent. Cammie struggled to contain her emotions, feeling like her ship was sinking with an indiscernable amount of holes she was unable to keep patched.

"Virgo's mom was so accepting. She didn't question anything. She just watned Virgo to be happy and when she saw her daughter happy—with me—she was happy too. She was even happy for me. Like what the fuck? Why can't mom and dad just be proud of us for who we are?" Cammie's voice broke on the last word.

The silence hung between them. The questions, while simple to ask, were not easy to answer. Jess felt the own darkness that she had fought off for so long clutching at her heart, the sadness seeping in. Cammie's ship was capsizing, the leaks sprining in all at once, but Jess had carefully patched the small holes as they came along. Now there were too many; the tape she used to hide the pain deteriorated, used too long to withstand more wear. Her sister's heartbreak was enough to expose her to her own wreck.

Jess inhaled a deep, shakey breath, trying to calm herself before responding. The last thing Cammie needed was for her sister to cry too, but Jess was losing the battle, sliding downhill fast.

"I don't know why they can't just proud of us," Jess whispered. "I don't know."

"It just hurts. It hurts to see how easily Virgo's family accepted me and how our family doesn't. Not at all."

"I know."

They listened to each other's breathign, carefully counting the inhales and exhales, concentrating on nothing else.

"Are we going to be okay?" Jess asked, for once allowing her vulnerabilites to show, to be the younger sister.

"Yes," Cammie whispered, barely audible. "I think we will."

"How?"

"I don't know. But we'll be okay. We have each other."

"Is it enough?"

Jess asked the question they were both terrified to know the answer to.

"It is for me," Cammie replied.