I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 13

Shea jogged up the stairs to his apartment and pulled open the door after coming home from his ritual morning run. He headed to the kitchen to fill up a glass of water, the music from his earbuds still pounding in his ears. Had he not glanced up at the door at the exact moment that he did, he would not have noticed a blonde girl dressed in a slim fitting dress pulling the door open and slipping out.

He blinked, dumbfounded. He had to be seeing things.

Virgo came out of her room not a moment after the door closed. The two friends exchanged glances.

"Was that her?" Shea asked, referring to Virgo's Soulmate. He felt his excitment mounting, a grin he could not supress spreading across his lips.

"No," she replied flattely, squeezing into the small kitchen to pour herself some orange juice.

Shea almost choked on his water. "No?" he repeated, as if he had not heard his friend correctly.

"No."

There was a moment of silence where Shea attempted to read his friend, who avoided his eyes by turning her back to him and preparing a cup of coffee.

"That wasn't the girl from your Dream?"

"No."

"So," Shea began, drawing out the O in the word as he pondered over the situtation, trying to make sense of it. "You gave up your whole chastity gig?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I am done waiting for her," Virgo spat, spinning around to face Shea. She braced herself against the counter, gripping the edge so tightly she felt a dull ache in her palms and fingers. "She made her choice. I don't see a point in waiting around anymore."

Shea furrowed his eyebrows. "Don't you think you're being a bit dramatic?"

"If she's going to fuck her boyfriend then I'll fuck whoever I want in the meantime."

Shea's features softened as Virgo anger boiled. It pained him to see his friend suffer like this. "I know you're hurt—"

"I am not hurt. She can do whatever she wants. So will I." Virgo turned back to her coffee and poured out the steaming water over crushed beans. She felt her temper was akin to the boiling water steaming out of the kettle.

"What's going on in here?" Levi asked, covering his massive yawn with a hand. His bedhead made his usually sleek brown styled hair stand up everywhich way. He was wearing only boxers. Shea gave his fiance a smile, looking him up and down. He realized how lucky he was that his Soulmate was here and wanted him. He could not image the pain he would have endured had Levi rejected him. Shea looked back to Virgo with sympathy coloring his brow.

"Your boyfriend is lecturing me about my choice in women." Virgo answered.

Levi exchanged a confused glance with Shea.

"Virgo had a girl over last night—and before you ask, no. Not the Dream girl."

Levi frowned.

"I thought you were waiting until you found your Soulmate to. . ." Levi trailed off.

Virgo gave a bitter smile. "Well, I found her."

Virgo pushed past the two men and headed back into her room to shower and wipe clean the memories of last night.

Shea sighed, then called down the hallway to Virgo before her door closed: "Be patient!"

Shea couldn't be sure, but he might have heard Virgo yell "va t'faire enculer" through the closed door. He had been told this enough times to know that she was telling him to go fuck himself.

Levi shrugged with a grimace. Shea walked over to his fiance and kissed his forehead.

"I'm so glad you didn't run from me," Shea said.

Levi grinned.

"Any advice you can give to our heroine in distress?"

"Let Dream girl see Virgo shirtless," Levi joked, referring to the first time he saw Shea. They were both at the beach and Levi had recognized Shea a few moments before Shea had noticed him. Levi had been battling with his sexuality since he was a child, never sure what he wanted. When he saw Shea at the beach, he immediately froze, his legs feeling glued to the sand. He wanted to flee, still convinced that he could lead a normal life loving a woman. But as Shea peeled off his shirt, ready to dive into the water, Levi felt a stirring in his stomach and knew he was unequivically attrated to Shea.

Shea laughed at the memory.

"If only we knew where Dream Girl was. Maybe you could talk to her."

"Where do straight girls go who are in denial that they're gay?" Levi asked. "We can start there."

"Church," Shea shot back. The two laughed, no closer to solving this case than they were weeks ago when Virgo's problems began.

*

Since Cammie's trip up North, she became more and more dejected as detailed visions of the girl swam through her thoughts at random moments. Cammie still had not fully recovered from the first flash of her face when she looked at Adam. Even apart, the girl would not give Cammie peace.

Cammie's attemp to keep herself unceasingly busy also seemed to be failing. Often, she was completely exhausted by the middle of the day and would fall asleep on her bed or the couch while studying. Cammie was also realizing for the first time in her life that she was having trouble focusing. If she was not falling asleep while studying, she would find herself staring at a wall, her mind blank, unmoving. Or worse, as her eyes scanned the words of her textbook, her mind would wander off and linger on thoughts of the girl.

Not having the slightest clue as to how she was to cope with this, Cammie often left herself to lay on her bed and stare listelessly at the ceiling, doing her best to clear her head of every thought and emotion, like a lifeless marionette, all strings cut. This is how Savannah found Cammie tonight.

Savannah lightly knocked on the open door and stepped inside. Cammie's eyes flicked to Savannah, then back to the ceiling. A pit grew in Savannah's stomach; she hated to see her best friend this depressed. She could never remember a time in which Cammie had allowed herself to be conquered by her emotions like this. The Cammie that she knew was strong, stronger than any obstacle that life had ever thrown at her. Cammie often met these challenges head on, always figuring out a solution (or forcing one to open if there wasn't a solution available to her). This Cammie—the one easily defeated and spit out on her bed—was not the Cammie that Savannah knew.

"Cam, let's go out and do something," Savannah said, taking a seat at the edge of Cammie's bed.

"I don't really feel good."

"You've been saying that for a while now. You need to get out of the house." What Savannah really meant was that Cammie needed to get out of her head, a place she seemed to be trapped in, not realizing that Cammie herself held the key that would set her free.

"What's the point? I might as well just stay here until everything falls apart."

Savannah shook her head in frusteration. "You need to stop with this pity party you've been throwing for yourself."

"Pity party?"

"All you do is come home and lay in bed until you fall asleep. This isn't you, so stop acting like it."

"Oh, I'm sorry that I've been upset because my life is falling apart."

"Your life isn't falling apart. You're letting it fall apart."

Cammie opened her mouth to form a retort, but Savannah barreled on.

"I'm so sick of seeing you lay here feeling sorry for yourself. So you Dreamed of a girl? Who the hell cares? Pick yourself and get on with your life. If you want to be with Adam, be with Adam. If you don't, then don't. But for the love of God, please just do something and stop feeling so goddamn sorry for yourself."

All of the anger that had been building up in Cammie's chest seemed to slip from her body like a balloon being popped. She dropped her eyes, face burning with shame.

"I'm scared, Savannah," Cammie mumbled after a few moments of silence.

"I know, Cam. But sitting here isn't going to do anything."

Cammie met her friend's gaze, begging her to give any sort of advice on how she should get through this.

"I know this is hard for you. But you've got to pick yourself up. You're missing class, you're not taking care of yourself, you're sleeping all the time. None of that is going to fix anything for you. Whatever happens is going to happen no matter what you do. So you just need to keep living your life and let things take their course, okay?"

Cammie nodded, tears now spilling from her eyes.

"Now get dressed and let's get out of the apartment."

Cammie nodded, gratful for her friend.

The two girls readied themselves for the day and made their way out into the city. Savannah made sure to take Cammie to her favorite spot for an early dinner. Though the whole eating business was a difficult task, Cammie forced herself to consume her entire plate, if only to please Savannah. The girls then stopped by The Grind to grab coffee while they scoured a record store nearby. Cammie had been in the habit of collecting vinyl records ever since Adam had bought her a record playing as a brithday present. Inititally, Cammie was relcutant to step into the record store as it reminded her of Adam, but she quickly reminded herself she couldn't avoid everything that reminded her of Adam. If she did that, she would have to avoid most things in life.

Cammie bought two records, which she happily slipped into her overlarge purse that hung off her shoulder. She felt a little lighter after being out with Savannah all day. The two girls walked side-by-side in the busy streets of Los Angeles, chatting as the city came alive with the setting of the sun. The city lights, eagerly awaiting their opportunity to shine, flicked on all over the streets, coloring their faces in a cacophony of colors.

"What do you want to do now?" Cammie asked.

"I have one more thing in mind. But it's a surprise."

The girls approached a small building, much less impressive than it's neighbors. Its signs boasted of great drinks and live music every Friday and Saturday night.

"Live music?" Cammie asked.

Savannah grinned. "You like music, don't you?"

Cammie smiled gratfully at her friend. This was not usually Savannah's first choice for Saturday Night activities. It seemed much too quiet to be a favorite spot of Savannah's, the absence of a blaring bass almost discomforting Cammie. But Cammie accepted that Savannah was doing everything in her power to make Cammie feel better and she appreciated the gesture.

The room they walked into was small, but comfortable. A bar was nestled off to the left of the room, with bartenders crafting drinks with alchemic precision. Directly across from the entrance was a small stage of dilapidated wood that had seen much wear. Cammie would not have recognized it for a stage had it not been decorated with a drum set, microphones, and various other instruments sprawled across it.

Between the girls and the stage, crowds of hipsters complete with beanies, buns, stretched ears, and tattoos nursed their artisanal drinks, chatting animatedly.

"Grab us a table and I'll order drinks," Savannah said. Cammie obliged and found a standing table open toward the back. The room was almost full, yet people continued to trickle in and fill standing spaces. Cammie found herself twisting her head this way and that, taking in the place fully. It did not seem like the kind of place Savannah would ever find herself, but Cammie found it quaint. It proudly displayed vinyl records on the walls, posters of bands, and retro photographs of old alcohol advertisements.

Savannah joined Cammie, handing her a mixed drink. "What's this?"

"Just enjoy it," Savannah said, sipping her colorful drink.

Cammie frowned, but did not push the subject. Instead, she found herself distracted when people began gathering on the small stage. The first band came to the stage, comprised of four people. Two girls, both on guitars and singing, with one girl on a bass guitar and a younger boy on the drums. They played rock music reminiscent of the 80s with a modern twist. Cammie enjoyed the set they played and grinned at Savannah.

"Good choice," Cammie said over the hum of chatter.

Savannah lifted her drink in the air and Cammie clinked their glasses. Cammie realized with sudden surprise that she was feeling content and at ease. These moments had been fleeting, so she was determined to cherish this moment, lost in the music and atmosphere, and not dwell too much on the idea that this feeling would come to an end.

Two more acts came on stage, each playing their own music that they had written. Cammie found it nice to hear people performing their own creations, putting their art into action. The third act, a solo performance by a boy and his guitar, cleared off the stage after thanking the crowd and the buzz of talk filled Cammie's ears once more. She turned to chat with Savannah, who kept glancing at the stage.

"Is there someone here that you're waiting to see? You keep looking around." Cammie asked, trying to follow Savannah's gaze.

With a look of complete guilt at being caught, Savannah tried to give Cammie the worst excuse she had ever heard her friend utter: "No, I'm just really enjoying the music."

Cammie barked a laugh. "Yeah, right."

Savannah gave another guilty smile, but declined to say more. Cammie was quickly beginning to suspect that Savannah had not looked up an open mic night for Cammie's enjoyment on the spot. Savannah was definitely up to something, but she couldn't quite figure it out. The night seemed completely normal and Cammie could not put the piece of the puzzle together. Deciding to table this investigation for the moment, Cammie turned back to the stage when she heard the crowd quiet down as the next act flooded the small stage.

Cammie's stomach sank when she realized she recognized the girl that clutched the microphone.

It was her.

Cammie could feel Savannah's eyes on her and knew in a moment Savannah had set this up; knew that Savannah had knowledge that the girl would be here. Cammie turned to leave, not willing to be anywhere near this girl, but Savannah latched on to her arm.

"Please stay," Savannah begged.

"No!" Cammie hissed through her teeth, trying to hold herself together. "Why did you think this was a good idea? What the hell were you thinking?"

"Cam, give her a chance!"

"No! Savannah let me go!"

"Hi everyone," a voice boomed across the bar. The sound of the girl's voice, real for the first time, hypnotized Cammie and she realized her legs would not move. The two girls glanced back to the stage to find Virgo standing with the mic at her mouth. Before Cammie knew what was happening, she realized she was looking the girl up and down, investigating. Cammie had only seen her once before and only for a brief moment, but now she stood before Cammie, fully exposed on stage while she was allowed to stay hidden in the crowd.

Virgo wore an overlarge jean jacket open to reveal a faded black shirt sporting some band. She had cut it short to reveal her stomach just visible under her high-waisted jeans. A tattoo on her hip slipped in and out of view. A few whistles resounded in the room when Virgo asked how everyone was in a foreign accent.. Cammie found herself unable to look away.

Savannah noted that Cammie seemed to calm down and gently directed her back to the table.

Cammie felt like she was locked in place, her body unable, or unwilling, to move. Her mind was screaming at her to flee, to put as much distance between her and the girl, but her body would not obey. Cammie realized with a mix of feelings that she would be here to stay, whether she wanted to or not. Chagrin filled Cammie as she realized that what she wanted was not entirely clear anymore.

"Hello everyone. We are The Sojourners. We are going to play a few songs for you tonight."

Cammie blinked, finally realizing that as the girl spoke, a slight accent colored her speech. Cammie's stomach did an involuntary flip at the European accent ringing in her ears. She found her hands shaking. She quickly clutched her glass to to disguise her movement.

The band experimented with the sound of their instruments, found their tune and began to play notes and chords that blended together to form a pleasant indie-rock sound. The girl began to sing the lyrics of the song she had written and Cammie was instantly enamored with the melody; she had never heard a voice that both soothed and stirred. Cammie was completely transfixed.

The lyrics became clear through the soft melodies. The girl sung about a person that she had loved since the beginning, someone that she had known her whole life and yet had never seen. Cammie realized that the girl had written this song about her. Her. She had written a love song about Cammie, for Cammie.

A flush colored Cammie's face as heat spread through her body. Her heart began to pound in her chest and her hands shook even harder than before. She felt nervous all over, the same kind of feeling she imagined one felt when they were falling in love. A fleeting thought lead her to remember this is how she felt with Adam when they were first together, but it did not linger. It was almost impossible to think of Adam when this beautiful girl was standing in front of her singing.

Beautiful?

Cammie shook the thought quickly.

The song ended, the crowd cheered, and Cammie felt like she was experiencing a withdraw from a powerful drug she had been addicted to. Her ears buzzed; she felt like something was missing now that the music had stopped playing. Cammie did not have to wait long, however, as the band queued another song. And another. Each song played transported Cammie into another world and one by one the patrons at the bar began to disappear until it seemed like it was only the two of them. No one but Cammie and the girl would know that these songs were meant for Cammie. All of everything that filled the girl's heart was poured out to Cammie through her music. She was singing to Cammie, even though she did not know that Cammie stood in the crowd.

"Her name is Virgo," Savannah said.

Cammie blinked as the words Savannah spoke registered in her mind.

Virgo.

"How do--?"

"Thank you," Virgo said into the mic cutting throught the applause, whistles, and Cammie's question. "This song is called 'Walked Away'."

Virgo began to strum her guitar and nod her head with the beat of the music. She looked to her bassist, who began strumming deeper chords to contrast with the higher pitch of her acoustic guitar.

When I first woke up
I saw your eyes looking back
Then I saw them
Blinking at me for the first time

Though it's not what I expected
This bullshit love song is overrated

I've been dreaming of you
Since I knew that love was real
But then came a moment and I couldn't feel
You walked away, you walked away

I've been dreaming of our life for quite some time
Every moment so sublime
But you walked away, you walked away

There was a short musical interlude where the band's only sound was the playing of instruments. Cammie's heart sank as the meaning of these lyrics pounded through her ears. This song was written about the moment that Cammie had run from Virgo. Cammie had never processed just what she had done to Virgo, in fact had never considered how Virgo had felt in that moment. All Cammie could think about was how she felt. Cammie had never considered that there was another person at the other end of this.

I was left staring
Wondering what went wrong
I had been waiting for far too long

Why is this so complicated?
This bullshit love song is overrated

I've been dreaming of you
Since I knew that love was real
But then came the moment and I couldn't feel
You walked away, you walked away

I've been dreaming of our life for quite some time
Every moment so sublime
But you walked away, you walked away

I can't help myself from screaming
When you are near
Jesus Christ, this is confusing
I'm swallowing my sorrows
Because these dreams are broken

The song ended in a somber guitar solo, fading out. The crowd cheered again. Virgo smiled, though it did not quite reach her eyes.

Cammie felt like a knife had pulnged through her heart, freezing her blood. She felt like she couldn't breathe. What had she done to this girl?

"Thank you," Virgo said into the mic. Cammie couldn't be sure, but she felt like she heard sadness in Virgo's voice. It was quickly buried beneath continued speech. "You may have noticed, but I am foreigner."

This earned her a laugh from the crowd. A daring audience member shouted above the noise a question of where she was from.

She leaned into the mic while adjusting her guitar. "France."

"Say something in French!" someone else yelled.

The guilt that Cammie was feeling was quickly replaced with irritation. These people had no right to dig into Virgo's life. Anger swirled in her heart. These people didn't know her, they couldn't ask these things. Cammie found herself surprised at what she felt, as if she had any more right to think these things than these strangers. She took a deep breath to calm down.

Savannah noted all of the emotions warring behind Cammie's face, the mask she was wearing slowly cracking and chipping away. Perhaps this was working afterall.

Virgo muttered something in French and laughed at how the crowd swooned. She strummed her guitar a few times. "If you like me enough maybe I can play you a song in French." The crowd cheered its approval. Virgo was incredibly likable, Cammie realized. She worked the crowd like she knew exactly what to expect.

Before, when Virgo sang in English, Cammie thought herself completly enraptured by the girl's voice. But when Virgo began to sing in her native tongue, Cammie had no words to describe the intense longing she felt in her heart. The language sounded musical itself, as if it was crafted specifically to be sang. Cammie realized that in this moment she wanted nothing more than to reach out touch her, to let her know that she was here, that she understood just what Virgo felt for her. But the song ended and Cammie quickly came to her senses.

"Let's go," Cammie said. Savannah obliged without a word.

The girls made their way through the town, back to their apartment. They did not speak a word on their walk back. Cammie was so lost in thought, Savannah thought it best to let her ruminate.

As Cammie lay in bed that night, she realized she had never been so torn with indecision in her life. She had no idea what she wanted, but she was starting to realize that perhaps Virgo was one of them.

***

Thank you so much for reading! If you liked this chapter, consider giving it a vote or leaving a comment. I'd love to hear what you guys think.

Would any of you be interested in a playlist for this story? Let me know in the comments. Cheers!