I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 18

Cammie let herself into the apartment well after midnight; she felt like she was trying to sneak passed her parents after missing curfew. Savannah heard her enter (because she had waited up like a concerned mother) and immedatly hopped off the couch, startling Cammie as she quietly closed the door behind her.

"Jesus," Cammie exclaimed.

"Who did you leave with?" Savannah asked, wiggling her eyebrows with curiosity. "What did you guys do?"

It was then that Cammie noticed Jen was also in the apartment wearing an expression that mirrored Savannah's.

"You're here too?" Cammie asked Jen.

"Of course! I want details."

"There are no details," Cammie emphasized.

"You liar," Savannah said. Jen hummed her agreement.

"I'm not!"

"You're telling me you left a gay bar with someone and nothing happened?" Savannah was incredulous.

"No, nothing. We just talked."

"You left with someone and you just talked?"

"Yes."

"Well who was it?" Jen asked. "They must have been something to get you to leave with them."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Jen and Savannah exchanged a knowing glance, as if the answer was obvious. Cammie rolled her eyes instead of biting.

"You guys I'm tired, we can talk in the morning," Cammie said evasively.

"No way. We're talking now." Savannah said. Jen and Savannah then proceeded to drag Cammie to couch and pulled her down, restraining each of her arms to prevent her escape. This was quickly taking a dramatic turn from question to interrogating.

"This is a bit much," Cammie said.

Both Savannah and Jen laughed at Cammie's annoyance, but would not give up in their pursuit of the truth.

"So," Savannah prompted. "Who did you leave with?"

"It wouldn't even matter if I gave you a name, it's not like you know her," Cammie lied.

"Her?" Savannah and Jen said at the same time, exchanging devilish grins.

Cammie released an exasperated sigh.

"So? Tell us about her. What's she like?" Jen asked.

Cammie hesitated, dropped her eyes to the side, felt herself begin to feel nervous at her small secret. She could describe Virgo as vaguely as possible, pass her off for a random girl, a rebound to get over Adam. Yes, Cammie could have lied and the night would have been left at that. Perhaps a celabratory high-five would have been given, but Cammie's friends would have accepted her lie and allowed her to sleep.

But she did not want to lie anymore.

"Well?" Savannah insisted.

Cammie expelled a deep breath and forged on with the truth.

"It was Virgo."

It was as if Savannah and Jen were twin sisters from the womb, because both of their mouths fell open at the exact same time, stunned into dumb silence.

"You left with Virgo?" Savannah exclaimed.

Cammie nodded.

"You're joking."

"No."

"And you didn't hook up with her?" Jen cut in.

A bright red tint flushed Cammie's face and she found herself too embarassed to speak, though she did not know why; it's not as if anything scandelous had happened between them. They hadn't done anything other than talk, not even so much as hold hands. Although, Virgo had hugged her when they left the bar. . .

"Of course not," Cammie finally managed to say, though her throat felt constricted. Get it together! Cammie reprimanded herself. If she didn't, Jen and Savannah really wouldn't believe that nothing happened if Cammie continued to act embarassed the rest of the night.

"Well, what did you talk about?" Savannah asked.

The night replayed in Cammie's mind. If she was being honest, most of it was spent in silence, simply being each other's presence. That was not a gift that she could enjoy with most people, especially not Adam, who had felt the need to fill every silence with chatter. No, with Virgo she had just been able to be. But that wasn't interesting to her friends. They wanted to know about the conversation, but there really hadn't been much talk, had there?

"Truthfully, not a whole lot. I told her I was sorry for how I acted."

"And?" Savannah asked.

"She said it was fine."

"Really? That's it?"

I crossed oceans for you.

The memory of Virgo whispering those words flashed through Cammie's memory. It made her stomach do a weird little flip and her heart began to flutter. She quickly shook it off.

"That's it."

"So what do you think?"

"About?"

"About her, of course! Do you want to date her? Are you going to date her?"

"I don't know," Cammie answered truthfully. "I'm still getting over the breakup with Adam and I don't think I'm ready to move on. I don't want to be with someone just to stop feeling lonely and heartbroken. I still don't know if I'm gay or straight or bi—or what."

"You're definitely not straight," Jen muttered from her end of the couch.

Cammie ignored Jen's comment, though she knew that Jen was referring to their kiss a while back when Cammie was confused about how she felt about women. She did enjoy kissing Jen and it hadn't been like any kiss with Adam. But Adam was also the only person Cammie had ever kissed. I bet if I kissed anyone else it would have felt that way, Cammie rationalized.

"If I was ready to date again," Cammie continued, gaining momentum once again. "I really don't think I'm ready to deal with the implication of what liking Virgo might mean."

"So you admit that you like her?" Savannah said smirking.

"I think you missed the whole point of what I just said."

"Is that her jacket?"

Cammie blushed.

"It totally is! You're wearing her jacket!"

"It's not a big deal," Cammie countered, trying in vain to dismiss the situation.

"Sure, Cam."

"So, do we have a picture of Virgo? I want to know who this girl is." Jen said.

"Hang on." Savannah pulled out her phone and navigated to Instagram.

"You have her Instagram?" Cammie asked, pretending like she had not known this detail (or stalked Virgo through Savannah's phone).

Savannah smiled sheepishly. "I'm very good about tracking people down."

"Uh huh." Cammie didn't believe Savannah for a second, but Cammie realized she wasn't supposed to.

"Here." Savannah handed Jen the phone.

"Holy shit. This is your Soulmate?"

Cammie peeked over at the phone and saw Jen looking at a photo she herself had stared at not too long ago. Cammie nodded.

"God damn. If I didn't already have my Dream I would be jealous. She's gorgeous."

That unwelcome blush colored Cammie's face yet again. She told herself there was no reason to be shy about it, it's not like she owned Virgo or was even her girlfriend. Why should she be embarassed?

"Thanks," Cammie muttered, unsure of how else to respond.

"So, what are you going to do about this whole 'liking girls' business?" Jen asked.

"What do you mean?"

"'The implication of liking Virgo.'" Jen repeated. "What are the implications?"

Cammie blinked, as if the implications were obvious.

"The implication is being gay."

"And?"

"Did we already go over this the first night I met you?" Cammie asked.

"Yeah, but that was before you had even given Virgo a chance. Things are different now."

"They're not different, we're just friends."

"For now," Jen said to Savannah, who gave her a knowing smile.

"I don't know you guys," Cammie said, exasperated. "I don't even know the girl, let alone like her. I don't . . . I don't even know if it's possible for me to like a girl, let alone be with a girl in a romantic sense. I can't even imagine what my parents will think of they found out."

Savannah sighed.

"Cam, when are you going to stop living for what your parents want?"

"My parents want me to be happy," Cammie protested.

"I know they do, so why are you so scared to tell them the truth?"

Cammie was silent. The room grew quiet with the two girls staring at one another, trying to read the other's mind through mere eye contact. Savannah was begging Cammie to move beyond the rule of her parents; Cammie was begging Savannah to tell her how.

"Well, if I were your parents I'd be proud of you for having such a hot Soulmate," Jen said, cutting through the discomfort in the room

Cammie momentarily forgot herself and turned to Jen, mouth agape. In all their years of friends, Cammie had never been used to how blunt Savannah was, and now there were two of them teaming up against Cammie. This was her worst nightmare.

"Is someone embarassed?" Jen teased, poking Cammie in her side. Cammie's face returned to what was becoming familiar shade of red.

"I think she is," Savannah chimed in.

"Leave me alone you guys!" Cammie stood up and stalked toward her room, her face an even deeper shade of red than before.

"Can I be a bridesmaid at your wedding?" Jen called.

"I hate you guys!"

Raucous laughter came from the living room as Cammie closed the door behind her. She couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the corner of her lips. It felt good to be honest with her friends and to have them totally accept her just the way she was, indecisive and all.

Cammie peeled off Virgo's jacket and hung it on the back of her chair and changed into her night clothes. She slid into bed, pulling the blanket up to her chin and thinking about the night, about Virgo. Did she want to date her? That was a question she was terrified to think about. If the answer was yes, then that would unlock a whole slew of new troubles. But what if Virgo was her Soulmate? What if her Dream wasn't wrong and she was supposed to be with this girl? If tonight was any indication of the rest of their lives, Cammie couldn't deny that it would be a nice life. It felt like Virgo knew exactly what Cammie needed before Cammie could even think about it.

But what would her parents think? That thought wormed its way into her skull like a chronic disease, entreanching itself deep within her mind. Every time she thought of Virgo, thoughts of her parents (and especially her mother) would soon follow. And each time she considered dating Virgo, a future with Virgo, her mother would eclipse any possiblity of a happy future together. Cammie could already hear the lecture forming on Elizabeth Driver's lips, see the disapproving looks.

Her stomach twisted itself into knots.

Suddenly, Cammie found herself out of bed, crossing the room, and retrieving Virgo's jacket. She pulled it off the chair and returned to bed with it spread across her pillow. Cammie rested her cheek on the material. It was not as soft as her pillow below, but it smelled like Virgo and that was enough to calm her racing heart and lull her to sleep.