I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 24

Cammie slept horribly that night, if it could even be considered sleep. She closed her eyes and stilled her body, but her mind wouldn't stop reeling; every attempt to empty her mind and fall asleep was futile. The night played on an endless loop inside of her head, reliving each moment, every word exchanged, every glance. Cammie lost count of how many times she rolled over in bed to pick her up phone only to find it void of any messages.

Virgo hadn't texted and Cammie began to fear that she wouldn't. Cammie had made herself perfectly clear with Virgo: she wasn't ready for anything and she would not be sure when, if ever, she would be. Cammie knew Virgo said she would wait, wait for as long as Canmie wanted, friends or otherwise . . . But the look on Virgo's face that evening, Cammie couldn't get it out of her head; it was like Virgo's heart was shattered, like any hope she may have had for the two of them was sucked right out of her.

God, what was Virgo thinking? Cammie wanted nothing more than to call her and talk through everything, know what was going on in her head, her heart. Cammie wanted to lay everything on the table and be completely open, if only to make this horrible feeling that bad settled in her stomach go away.

But what did that matter? It wasn't like Cammie would do anything about the situation. Virgo could confess her love and Cammie would hesitate, hide behind her fear. Cammie couldn't give Virgo the one thing Virgo wanted, despite how badly Virgo yearned for it, despite how hurt Virgo had been at Cammie's confession. Cammie knew she wouldn't take anything back, wouldn't have done anything different, so really what difference did it make?

A curse escaped Cammie's lips, her stomach twisting into anxious knots.

Virgo lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering what she was going to do. She felt completely empty, like all of the air had been sucked out of her and she couldn't breathe. Cammie's confession had robbed her of any feeling.

There had been countless times that night where Virgo had scolded herself, told her that Cammie hadn't told her anything she didn't already know, that Cammie hadn't done anything wrong. Virgo herself had told Cammie to take her time, that they could be friends. But the more time they spent together, the more texts they exchanged, every time Cammie came to study at work with Virgo had all been constructing a home in Virgo's heart where only Cammie could reside; a place that was kept sacred, a place she had promised she would not build.

Virgo laughed bitterly, reminded of lyrics to a rather somber song:

"Cause I built you a home in my heart/
With rotten wood that decayed from the start."

Was that what happened? Had Virgo built Cammie a home made of rotting wood? She had, hadn't she? She let Cammie in, let herself love her, adore her, dream about her, only to have everything taken away.

Tears sprang to Virgo's eyes as the revelation of what was happening hit her: she loved Cammie. Cammie was her Soulmate and she loved her. Her Soulmate didn't love her back, couldn't love her back, wouldn't love her back.

How could she be friends with a girl she loved? How could she possible stand next to her every day and not grab her hand, not kiss her. How could she be with her every day and not tell her how beautiful she was? How much she loved her?

Virgo flipped over and buried her face in her pillow, hoping to drown out the sound of her breaking heart.

The sleepless night turned into an anxious day. Cammie knew Virgo wasn't working the rest of the week, so there was no chance to meet her at the coffee shop. Even if she could see her, should she? It wasn't as if Virgo had made it explicitly clear that she didn't want to see or talk to Cammie, but all of the signs pointed to that conclusion. Since they had exchanged numbers, there wasn't a moment where they were not texting or talking with each other. The whole night and the entire day without a single text? It was wrong.