Poems...

untitled.

I dont know what to feel or what to say
Its like my mouth is sandpaper,
My tounge is weighed,
Be careful what you say,
The world is full of political politeness bitches,
Talking behind your back about how they really see you,
Telling you to your face that your not alone,
Lies,
Because my soul is gone,
My heart is torn,
Not out of breakup
But for the loss,
Im lost in a world where I get pulled in so many directions
Like a tug of war
Tugging
moving without my concent
Without my knowlege
Telling me to do one thing,
And changing it to annother,
Always constraint to before dark,
My brother can smoke with my fifth grade bully,
But I cant hang out with my friends who keep me stable,
Sane,
Not drug needed,
Fucked up child,
Like i see myself.
I say the cliche ‘I’m drowning,’
But I’m not,
Im dying.
Every day every night
I think about it
It as in everything
There is a lot to think about
Why am i treated differently,
Why do I see things differently,
Am I not loved?
Do they love me or are they doing it because they have to.
I’m drowning in an ocean of lies,
That I have to abide
By
I feel like I am screaming
Yet no one can hear
Moving yet i cant see my foot in front of me
I want to be so many things,
But the most i want to be
Half the time,
Is dead
I am annoying,
I have no fashion skills,
I am not good at anything except
Disapointment.
Because I’m me, not harley nor marky,
I get stricter rules
I am untrusted,
I feel they give and love out of foorce and not truth
If thats true,
Does no one love me in this world.
I feel alone
Is this how mom felt?
Was it suicide?
So many questions,
Never any answers,
I am alone.
You wouldnt believe me,
If you knew,
That I was dying
On the inside out
Shouting,
Yet never free
Darkness, lies and decet, lonelieness, all hiding on the other side
I cover it up so well
Dont you see
I am a pro
I’ve had actions
I screw up
I am human
With a doctorates in fucking up.
I will never be perfect
I will never be okay with the world we live in,
I will never be okay with living,
Maybe just under your roof,
Maybe just in general.
You want me to be grown up,
You want me to act my age
But you wont,
You wont let me make decisions for myself,
Go out at night to live my life with friends,
I know everythings not about partying
Or having friends or having fun,
I know. But I am in highschool once,
I just want to enjoy the chance I have now,
Be who I am and not who you want me to be.
I am not my mother,
You constraint me so much that maybe,
Just maybe, I will be her.
The one who cares so much about drugs than her kids,
Maybe Ill be careless,
I will mix pills,
And get a white horse out of here,
Away from the judgement,
The need to critisize,
What I do wronge,
My permit test,
My decisions,
My grades.

Authors note: this was a while ago. In a better mind set now yall.