Poems...

Bad Habits

I screw everything up, 
I really do. 
It's a habit, 
if i must tell you the 
truth. 

And I don't most of the time, 
that's also a bad habit. 
I will tell you I am fine, 
when I am not. 
I will tell you what you want to hear, 
and yet nothing at all. 

I break most of the streaks,
on snapchat, 
because most of the days, 
I hardly want to talk to anyone. 
It's a bad habit, 
I do admit,
being in silence, 
not talking to anyone. 

I laugh at moments when I am angry, 
I laugh at moments when I am sad, 
I laugh when I am scared. 
Another bad habit, 
I have a lot of those if you didn't know. 

I will push others away, 
so they don't get hurt, 
so I don't have to open up, 
and feel again. To avoid the hurt, 
to avoid the pain, and everything else, that eventually comes with it
when the leave. Because they always do, 
I always make them. 
It's a bad habit of mine, 
I admit. 

I lay endlessly in bed for hours, 
without communication to those surrounding, 
lost in thoughts, and lost in the world I live in. 
I rather stay in bed then go out and party, 
the front I use. I rather lay in bed, and read then 
listen to the boys who only nice words are 
"You have nice tits," 
I rather just tell them to shove it, then to say thanks
And  believe that's all I have 
going for me. 
It's a bad habit, 
I do admit. 

I don't open up, 
expecially to friends and family,
I am not an open book,
as I let others believe. 
I will lie straight to your face, 
and say nothing was wrong with my past, 
that I am completely sane and okay,
that I feel fine, 
that I am fine. 
And you will believe me, 
because I say the words like you can trust me,
I say the words like I know you won't leave me once you know,
I say the words from my mouth easily like saying the gummy bear song. 
It's a bad habit, 
If I must admit.

I do admit, 
I have bad habits. 
But hopefully, 
one day, 
I will fix them.