Poems...

I Wish, If Only and Maybe.

December 27th

Titled: I wish, If only and Maybe.

Saturday night and I'm sitting in bed thinking about only one thing.
Actually one person.
The one person who's been on my mind,
All vacation so far.

Maybe she ditched me for father when I was five.
But she Was my mom and always be a mom.
I have good memories of her that I'll never forget,
Her trying to cheer me up over the phone when I'm down.
Or the times when I was young and she'd back cookies, I barely remember it though.

And I remember mostly the bad,
Where she slept all day with hungover,
Or the days where she crashed another car into a pole,
And the days where she'd not be anything like a mother.
But I still love her.
And remembered the good,
Where she'd take care of me when I was sick,
And I could see it in her eyes that she cared and loved me.

In the hall hangs her picture,
In her pretty laceish wedding dress,
I always look at it,
Hoping I'd never forget her.
But that's her picture,
Not her voice,
And I can't remember her voice.
I remember the smell though,
Always alcohol or cig smoke smelling, she was.
I forgive her with all my heart for ditching me,
I just wished she would come back.

I wish for once that my dad actually cared for her,
If he did he would have been right next to her,
Not sleeping a hangover off (probably) while she backed birthday cake for him.
If only he was there when she didn't feel well,
If only he was there as she fell to the ground her heart in pain.
If only he was there beside her calling the ambulance trying to get help for her.
If only.

Maybe then my ten year old brother would have not seen his mommy lowered to the ground.
Maybe then my sister and brother would not have shed tears.
Maybe them I wouldn't have to bottle everything in, being strong for my siblings.
Maybe then my grandparents wouldn't have lost their only daughter.
Maybe then my uncles would still have a sister.

And maybe then would I be happy to walk down the halls of Spellman,
Just as my Mom did,
Instead of being reminded
Good things never last,
I would remember that my Mom did well their and that before my dad she was happy.

And just maybe, Momma would have came home
Ditching the sorry excuse of a dead beat husband,
Free from all the brain washing.
And being actually happy for once
With us together again.
Like a family, for once.
She'd smell like perfume instead of smoke.
She'd smile really bright,
Her eyes would be lit up instead of the sad eyes.
And she'd be her, the way I heard she was before my dad.
And we'd be a family.