Poems...

Pushing

Pushing, 

that's all I have really 

ever done. 

I push 

and I push, 

Peoples buttons, 

to get them out

of my life. 

Because I can't function

when they are there, 

I get so over whelmed 

and I don't know where I begin or end. 

I try, 

I try, 

I really do, 

but I can't seem to not

push people out of my life. 

It's a horrible habit I have,

But everyone is too good for me, 

I don't deserve them. 

I can't seem to open up, 

I take peoples problems on, 

and push mine aside until 

they come crashing down again, 

and I realize I am just so messed up. 

Who could want to deal with that? 

No one, according to him. 

I'm not good enough, 

I don't deserve people who care

about me, or about my sanity. 

So I push them out, 

because as I lay awake at night thinking 

of the painful past, 

I am just too damaged for people to deal with. 

And that is a scary thought. 

That I will forever be alone, 

and I want nothing more to sit in someone's embrace, 

and feel loved. 

But that's a scary thought 

after him, 

so I push everyone away.

Until I have no one, 

as much as I'm scared of 

being alone, 

I am even more scared of being loved again, 

so I will push and push till my 

last dying breath. 

Till I have no one, 

just like it's been, 

because who could love me,

with him lurking in the shadows. 

And I will push and push, 

because I am the only one who should get hurt, 

I will hide my feelings till they don't show, 

I won't cry or pout,

I will just send you away 

so you wont have to deal with 

what I have been through, 

and who I really am. 

Because no one want's to see 

the shell of a person I have become, 

because of him. 

And I will pull 

and pull

until my last dying breath

so I don't drag anyone under 

with me.