Poems...

Honestly

Honestly
I always thought
People would always be in my life. 
That I'd marry that highschool sweetheart,
Or even the dude I met in college.
I thought I'd have the same group of friends no matter what.
I blame that on my abandonment issues.
I get attached easily,
I push away even easier
But then I'm still attached
And It hurts.
Lately?
I've been letting things go.
If people don't make an effort to be in my life that's fine. 
Because I can't count on people
But i also have to remember
to stop putting the weight
of the world on my shoulders.

I make improvements on myself
Mentally and emotionally daily.
I have to.
The way I was raised,
The way I was treated,
That abusive relationship,
All of it.  Isn't who I am,
I am still figuring it out
But I'm getting to a better place
And if people can't hold on to me
As I progress I understand,
I understand and its okay.
It's okay to leave me.
It's okay.  Because I'll always have me. 
And one day ill be good enough for  me and someone who wants to hold on to me for dear life will.
We will have a house and a white picket fence, we will travel and have kids.
And they will tell me I am a great mother even though you know I never thought I could be.  
I'll make breakfast before we both
Head to work,
And they will say its delicious
To calm my attack of using the stove.
They will understand
Really sudden noises or even just loud noises frighten me  and hold my hand no matter what.

Authors note:

I can't wait to meet someone who understands, or is open to understanding and doesn't think im weird for the things that send me into a panic. I can't wait to meet someone who will tell me to shut up and that it'll be alright and I don't have to fret. I can't wait till someone tells me its okay to be scared but I can't run away because they will hold me tight no matter what. And I know they don't have to, I know im supposed to be the one who doesn't run in relationships - its a bad habit of when the going gets tough i book it.  If it reminds me of that relationship I had then I book it. I always do. And honestly I know I shouldn't and I'm working on it but I need someone whose going to tell me its okay to be scared, we will work out our problems and work on it. I honestly can not wait to find the man who wants to marry me for me and not my body or because I cook and clean and do everything for them. 

Also really funny story. My ex... the bad one... hit me up and he hasn't for a long while. and told me he wanted to talk, same dude who ripped out my earing, same dude who was abusive and shit.  He said he wanted to talk. He was better. Yada yada.  Went over there. Went horrible but I promise I'm okay. Anyways also I don't talk to any of my ex's anymore, I've been working on how to unattach from people who don't deserve me/want me anymore.  And  you know what, its good. Its going good.  I have a date with this dude from my college that I attended, good luck to me. Let's hope I don't cancel and don't loose my nerves.
See i would tell my best friend about my ex since she's practically the only person I talk to as of late but she will scold me (she hates everyone I dated.) But I mean she has good reason to. Anyways thats why I haven't been posting as much, I like deleted tinder and have been working to better myself and hopefully one day find a dude who I can marry bc I want that non abusive, love marriage.  I stopped dating dating like boyfriend and girlfriend  unless I can see myself marrying the dude because I deserve that.  I deserve a good relationship.