Out in the Wind

Chapter 17

It's interesting how a feeling of elation can turn into a rock that sits in your stomach and wants to make you cry in less than a day.

Two nights ago I fell asleep in Patrick's arms, and even though nothing sexual happened between us, except for kissing so much that my lips are still a little bit swollen, it was by far one of the best nights of my life. For a few hours I actually felt safe and comfortable, not as if the universe would pull the rug from under my feet and leave me with nothing. Yet... Here I am, rug pulled from right under my feet, leaving me with nothing.

It's as if someone turned the volume of the world down around me as I walk out of the door with the very last box in my hand, the rain falling lightly outside, and my mom still crying like she has for the past few hours, on and off. It's like I don't register. Not hearing a word of the mumbles coming from her or the wails from Chloe as we lock the motel door behind us for the last time and head for the car.

Earlier I heard my mom pleading with the motel manager to just let us stay another week or two. That she would find the money to pay, although I knew very well that there was no way she would have been able to manage the payment for another two weeks, or be able to find it anywhere either. I tried my best not to listen to the conversation as he politely told her that it could not be done. I ignored her crying to him as he stood before her, telling her how much sympathy he has for us, but that he needs to also do his job. And just like that we were done for, and started packing the car with the few things we have left.

When the trunk of the car was filled up and the majority of the backseat has been taken up by the little of food supplies we still has with us we started driving, my mom trying her best not to let Chloe see the tears running over her cheeks as we drove around the city in silence. Its weird how suddenly the city and everything in it seems so very scary the moment night falls and you don't have somewhere you can go and be completely safe.

"We'll need to find a place to park the car," I tell my mom, also trying my best not to cry and to be the sensible one in all of this. It wouldn't be good if we had to spend the little bit we still have on gas as well. We need to preserve what we have as far as we can.

"Yes... yes... you're right," she mumbles as she wipes the tears that just flow without a sound coming out of her mouth. "Probably somewhere safe?"

I can hear in her voice she has no idea what safe means anymore, and neither do I. Everything we had deemed safe in the past has been taken away from us completely. The security that we were used to became dangerous because we had no idea how to live any other way.

"I think I saw a family or two that was sleeping in their cars at the one gas station just out of town," I mentioned. At the very least the gas station stays open all night long and there's a bathroom to use as well.

"We can try that..." mom says as she pulls over on the side of the road and wait for some cars to pass us by before she makes a u-turn to go back to the direction we came from.

"Mom... Maybe I should look for a job? I'm sure I can find something... I'm serious..." I open up the argument that she has fought against since the moment we landed up at Aunt Barbara's.

"Please Cory. Not now... We have already spoken about this," she answers without looking at me, but again wiping away some tears as she drives.

I think about how wonderful it might be if we had an accident at this very minute, killing all three of us. That way we wouldn't feel like this anymore. We would not sink lower and lower. I have been thinking about this for a while now. It doesn't seem possible that my mom will ever find a job. She's been searching for months already, and with her limited schooling there's just no way that she's finding anything, and when she actually does find something the hours are ridiculous and she's got nowhere to go with Chloe and she doesn't want me to leave school. On top of that the salary is just so small that it wouldn't even help us out of our situation at all.