Out in the Wind

Chapter 38

It feels like I am walking towards my own funeral as I enter the mall and walk closer and closer to the escalator at the far end. Better it be the one on the far end than the one that leads directly to Bookstairs. Any minute that I can put between me and the conversation I have to have with Patrick is crucial to me. I need to wrap my head around what I will tell him. How I am going to tell him. How I will confess to what I have done and how I have betrayed him.

I almost can't bear the thought of losing him as the green signage of Bookstairs come into view and the sanctuary I have loved so much feels like a mausoleum I am coming to so that I can die in a way. There, between the most famous love stories ever written, I will become one of the biggest tragedies of love that ever failed.

Smelling the books as I walk in the door of the bookshop this time doesn't make me feel safe and secure like usual. It feels like they are mocking me. That the love stories with their loving titles are screaming to me from the shelves, telling me that I will never be able to have what they hold.

"Afternoon Cory," Mister Graham says making me look away from the romance section and rather turn my attention to the front desk.

"Hi Mister Graham," I say. I can almost imagine that my voice sounds a little grainy. "How are you?"

"Been good Cory. Stephen King just released a new book that I'm trying to get through," he says holding up the book in his hand, revealing the blue cover. "But enough about me. Your friend is waiting for you over in the young adult section."

His last sentence make me feel like I am drenched in water from head to toe. Ice cold water that seeps through my clothing and my skin before settling deep inside me and making me want to freeze over.

"Thanks," I mumble and Mister Graham's wink is just enough to give me the courage to push through the shelves, walking down the shelves to find Patrick sitting on a couch with a book in his hand which he puts down the moment I reach him.

"Hey sexy," he says as he stands up, moving closer to me for what I think might be a kiss, but I hold out my hands in front of me, keeping him at bay. I have no right kissing him after I have sucked of someone else. No right at all. If he still wants to kiss me after he has heard what I did, and I am pretty sure he won't, then at least it's up to him and the kiss would be an honest one.

"I need to talk to you Patrick," I say feeling so very sorry for the confused look in his eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was play with his emotions, but here we are. I did exactly what I thought he would do to me in the end.

"You don't look good Cory. Are you sure you're okay?" Patrick asks, his eyes scanning over me as if he is looking for some scar or blood that would explain why I am acting the way I am acting.

"No I'm not," I answer. "Could you sit down? Please?" I ask, and when he complies I take a seat on the ground in front of him.

It feels right sitting on the ground at his feet, looking up at him. He should be looking down at me. I am a horrible person that should not be allowed to be on his level.

"Cory, just tell me what's going on," he says, a frown appearing on his forehead and his fingers starting to struggle through his curls. "You're actually scaring me."

"So you know about what's been going on with my family right?" I ask, feeling the tears sting behind my eyes, but I promise myself I won't cry. Not this time. I am not going to do anything that might influence Patrick's decision. He needs to decide to dump me without feeling guilty about it.

"Yeah, but that's sorted now. Your mom is living with your aunt and you're coming to me for a bit?" he says.

"It's not that easy Patrick. Nothing is ever as easy as it seems when it comes to me. That's why you should have been the smart one. You should have stayed far away from me. I should have been smart. I should have pushed you away before I had the chance to hurt you," I say, feeling the tears coming but swallowing them back once more.