Out in the Wind

Chapter 26

I can't help but crying my eyes out all the way back to the park where I have decided to spend my day. I can't go out looking for a job looking the way I am. My eyes are all puffy and I guess my hair is all over the place because I have been pushing it out of my eyes for the last hour while I was walking. I just wish I could stop the tears from falling. A few times already strangers has asked me if something is wrong when I walked past them, the tears streaming down my face, but I just kept on walking, ignoring their questions and their look of pity and worry. One lady actually followed me for two blocks before she finally gave up on me and went her own way as well. See... Life is in not fair. It's not easy. It's not nice. Jaycee might think he has done something good in offering me some shitty ass job as a prostitute, but what he has done is way worse than the help he thinks he may have given to me.

I had to turn down everything that my family may have needed, an easy way to get out of this whole mess that we are in and that all for wanting my first time with someone to be special. I have given up maybe our only chance to get back on our feet. Maybe I would not be as scared and fearful as I am if I have had sex yet. Maybe it would have been easy to just do it if I knew what it entailed.

"Fuck you Patrick," I say, kicking a stone in front of me out of my way. If it wasn't for him keeping me from not having sex I would have had a much better idea of what to do at this moment.

I look down at my phone. There's not that much charge left on it. By tonight it will be dead, no matter how much I try to preserve the battery, so instead of trying to preserve it I actually turn it off. It's not like anybody is going to phone me at all. Well, maybe my mom, but she won't be too worried. She thinks I'm with Mandy.

I almost reach the park before I turn around and start backtracking into the opposite direction again. When I reach the coffee shop which I almost miss between the tears streaking down my face, I turn right into the next street and start walking up the street again, up against the hill, and I can't help but notice the slight burning in my calves from all the walking I have been doing. If all else fails, being homeless might actually turn out to give me really good legs.

It takes almost two hours of walking and crying uphill to the other side of town, passed the school building, passed the mall, and passed the neighborhood where I used to live. For a moment I wanted to go there. To my old house. I wanted to knock on the door and show my tear stained face to the couple who bought the place. I want them to cry just as much as I have cried over the last few months. I want them to see on how much pain they have built their happiness. But when it came to going there I just couldn't. I can't see the house where it all happened. I cannot go back to the place where I sat on the stairs as the police came to tell us my dad was dead. I didn't want to imagine my piano standing in the hallway while I play until the sun came up. I am a coward once more. But there is one thing that I need to face.

I pull back the dark bronze knocker and let it fall against the door. It amazes me at what a loud sound it makes, and still I wonder if anyone inside the house will actually hear it.

A dark haired woman opens the door. Her face speaks of plastic surgery, but there is something about her that looks a lot like him. Maybe it's the brown eyes. Or the cheekbones, although I can't be sure if hers is still real.

"Can I help you?" she asks looking me up and down like some cat dragged me up to the door. In her defense I must look terrible. I haven't had a wash in days, I slept outside last night, and my eyes must still be puffy from all the crying, and I can still feel tears stinging behind my eyes.

"I'm looking for Patrick. I'm a friend from school," I answer in the most polite tone I can possibly muster.

"Wait here," she answers and closes the door in my face, which feels like the very last thing I needed. To be judged as well today by some woman that resembles Malibu Barbie with a face I am sure will melt if I leave her in the sun too long.