A Reason To Live | Wheebyul | Moonsun

Stuck

"You did what?" Seulgi exclaimed hearing what transpired on Wheein and Byul's date.

After the kiss, Wheein didn't even let Byul have the chance to explain herself, she obviously looked so disappointed- probabaly mad, even. She didn't even let Byul drive her home; she called Hyejin to pick her up instead.

Moonbyul sighed in frustration. "I know, okay?" she knows how badly she hurt Wheein. She shouldn't have kissed Wheein without making sure about her own feelings. She thought she was ready; she kissed Wheein before, but doing it in front of Yongsun's grave made her feel so uncomfortable. Its like she could feel Yongsun's eyes piercing through the back of her neck. "I know I messed up."

Byul sighed, "She looked so happy before that. It was almost perfect."

"Why did you even pull away?" Seulgi questioned. She knows it was about Yongsun, but she wanted Byul to explain it to her so she might understand.

Byul only sighed. She didn't think Seulgi would understand. She didn't regret kissing Wheein, she just regreted doing it in that moment. She wish she didn't pull away, but the guilt in her chest was just too much for her to handle; she felt like she was cheating on Yongsun right in front of her.

But Seulgi knew her well enough to know exactly why. "Yongsun's gone, Byul. Don't feel guilty for having feelings to someone else. Stop torturing yourself. "

"Can't I be faithful to Yongsun even when she's gone?" Byul retorted. "Can't I continue loving her?" Byul's voice cracked before she could finish her sentence. She tries her best to stop herself from crying.

Byul looked so pain that Seulgi didn't have a comeback for her question. "I thought you like Wheein?" she asks instead.

Byul composes herself before she answers; her tears no longer threatening to fall from her eyes. She'd done it a million times that she's getting good at it. "I do like Wheein. A lot. But...maybe I like her because I'm sad. I kept thinking that maybe its because I'm longing for Yongsun and she happens to be there, you know?" Byul confesses.

Seulgi sighs. "Do you feel that way?" she asks, because maybe her mind is just thinking of excuses for herself.

"I don't know." Byul answers truthfully. Seulgi was about to speak but Byul continued, "I was so sure that Yongsun will be the only person I'd be capable of falling in love with." The memory of how Wheein asked Yongsun to tell her that she's allowed to love and be loved by someone else, played in her mind. "I don't know if I have it in me to love someone else like that again." she adds.

Seulgi was quiet for a moment, thinking of the right words to say. "You're not supposed to love them the same way, Byul-ah. They're two different people, you can love them both equally in two different ways."

Byul doesn't respond, but Seulgi could see her actually considering her words. "No one can take your memories with Yongsun from you, Byul. Yongsun would always be with you, there." Seulgi states, pointing at Byul's heart.

Byul looks at her, letting Seulgi's words sink in.

"No one's giving you a deadline, Byul. You're allowed to take as much time as you need, but you have to be open for the things that can make you happy." Seulgi remarks. "You just have to allow yourself, Byul. You have to give yourself a chance."

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Wheein was quiet on their ride home. And Hyejin knew better than to ask. She was willing to let Wheein have her space; to process her feelings and arrange her thoughts, and when she's ready, she could tell Hyejin why she's silently crying.

But just right after the engine of their car stopped, Wheein hugged her, crying on her shoulder.

Hyejin bit her tongue to stop herself from asking what's wrong; from asking what Byul did to hurt her this time.

"I didn't realize it would hurt this much to be in a dead woman's shadow, Hyejin-ah." Wheein mumbles, tears prickled in her eyes as she lets out her pain.

"Oh, Wheenie." Hyejin cooed, caressing her best friend's hair for comfort, while her other arm hugged Wheein protectively.

Hyejin wanted to throw Byul all the curse words she could think of, but she saw the effort Byul put in to make this night special for Wheein; starting form the food to the fireworks. She could bet that Byul didn't purposefully hurt Wheein, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't hate Byul for hurting Wheein still.

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"Yongsun-ah" Byul said to Yongsun's grave.

"I'm back." After Wheein left she went to a store to buy one bottle of wine. "Sorry for this." She said referring to the bottle on her hand. She knows how much Yongsun, but she didn't think she could survive this night without it.

"Yongsun, I'm just really tired. I hope you're not mad at me too." she said, flashes of Wheein's disappointment visiting her mind.

"Wheein's mad at me." she tells Yongsun as if she's sitting just right beside her. Byul leans in at Yongsun's grave, her head resting on top of it. "But what can I do?" she said, drinking straight from the bottle after every phrase she utters.

"I hope you don't mind that I brought her here." Byul closes her eyes, "I know I don't talk to you about her but I want you to meet her because she's one of the people helping me to get better. "

"I dreamt about you again today. But it was another nightmare. I wish they would go away, Yongsun-ah. I'm tired of having nightmares about losing you, then waking up, only to find out that reality isn't any better." Byul states while her lips were shaking.

"I'm tired."

"I'm tired of being told I'll always have you in my memories. Our memories isn't enough for me; I want to keep making more memories with you."

"I'm tired of people telling me that time will heal these wounds because I don't think the pain of losing you would ever subside."

"And I am so tired of hearing that you are safe in heaven now."

"Yongsun-ah, I want you here. I want you here with me."

"Please come back?"

"I want to feel you."

"I want to be able to touch you again."

"I miss your voice."

"I want to speak to you or just sit in silence looking at you."

"I want you here with me."

"Irene, Seulgi, everyone keeps telling me that you are always with me; watching over me. But I don't want a guardian angel."

"I want you."

"I want you alive and breathing. I want to hear your heartbeat and see your chest rising with each breath you take."

"I want to be strong so you can be proud of me, but I'm tired of pretending Yongsun-ah."

"Solar-ssi, I miss you."

"I am so lost and so tired, Yongsun."

"You're the one who died but why does it seem like I'm the one who stopped living?"

A/N:

I saw a post on tumblr that inspired me to right the latter part of this chapter so here you go.

More angst to come, obviously. Haha

Tell me your thoughts.

And also, thank you for reading!