Say It Back || SoonHoon (#wattys2019)

seventy-four

우지
"It's okay, hon.
I know you don't think it is,
but it's okay."

Mom pats me on the back as I lean more into her warm embrace, underneath both comforters now.

"I'm your mother. I raised you.
And I know I shouldn't be telling you this, but it's truly up to you, Jihoon.
I can't control you.
If your heart is telling you to go to him, then go. Run to him, hon."

She smiles.

Upon hearing her last sentence, I somehow feel more conflicted.

"But, mom, what if he isn't?
I should've learned my lesson a long time ago. What if I get hurt again?"

Silence joins our conversation for a moment. She's thinking.

"You know," she starts, "there was a boy once, that I liked. When I was seventeen, eighteen, around that age."

My eyes widen slightly at the words that unexpectedly flew out of her mouth.

"My parents weren't fond of him. He was a bit troublesome after all.
Bitter with others, but had a soft spot for me."

"Can't believe you're into bad boys, mom," I cut through jokingly.

She lets out hearty chuckle. "That was before, hon, not quite much anymore."

She continues, "Long story short, he wanted me to elope with him. And I had wanted to. We've been together for so long. Been friends since we were little.

But I couldn't run away with him.
I stayed with my family and didn't interrupt when they arranged a marriage for me.

Your father."

With shocked eyes, I open my mouth to speak, but mom beats me to it.

"Don't get me wrong. I loved your father. Even now, I still do.

But sometimes, I can't help but think of what could've happened if I did run away with him.

What I'm saying is, you might miss something great if you don't give it a chance."

"Or not," I let out a light scoff.
Mom doesn't answer so I continue.

"This is the first... in a long time, mom. That you've mentioned him."

"What would he have said?" I add. "If he were here now."

"He'd be proud, hon," Mom says. "He'd be proud to know how strong his son is. How caring, loving. And of course he'd be proud to know that his only son got all the boys." She shows me a cheeky grin.

"What the hell mom!" I lightly push her. "I do not."

"It's true though!" She counters back. "This Sooyoung-"

"Soonyoung, mom."

"Soonyoung. He's your third crush right?" She laughs. "So far all the boys you liked have liked you back. That is impressive. Just like your father."

"What. Even."

Mom decides to not explain her words and proceeds to laugh directly at my face.

Her laugh is also contagious.
Which means, after a few seconds, I start laughing too.

호시
"What?!"

The coffee mug that my father held in his hand flew across the room in his rage, crashing against the wall and exploding into several shards of ceramic. Coffee drips down the wall, but it is the least of our worries.

I try my best not to cower away.
I try to keep my head up, my posture straight, and my eyes staring at his.

"I like a boy," I say again.
This time those three words sound much more confident. Much more real.

By this time, mom and dad's new wife enter the scene. Step-brother hides shyly and quite fearfully behind his mother's legs.

"My son

Is not-"

My eyes start to burn.
They want nothing but to look away from this man- no, monster.

My lip, it's quivering.
Wanting nothing else but to spill every little thing.
I must.
And I will.

I can't back away from him now.
Surrender to him.
This time I have to win.

"Is not what, dad?" I say as calmly as I can.

My dad is panicking, pacing around frustratedly. He doesn't even want to say the word, but now I'm urging him too.

"My son will not be gay!"

At that moment, his words shoot towards me like poisonous arrows.
They stab at my heart, and so do his piercing gaze of disappointment, fury, and so many other things, looking right at me.

Silence is all we hear for a few seconds.

And then step-brother cuts through it, asking his mother, 'what's going on?'. She shushes him.

"Well then that must mean I'm no son of yours," that's when I choose to speak.

Dad stares at me, eyes seeming to bulge out of its sockets. It's clear he is slowly spiraling into insanity. Upon hearing my words, he is frozen.

But right before fear could settle down properly within me, before it could slowly chew apart my beating heart, in less than a second,

it happened.

A swift motion

leads to

a loud crack in the air,
an angry slap.

My eyes flicker shut a little at the impact, and I hear all the others in the room letting out shocked gasps.

My cheek
it stings.
I'm quite sure it's now glowing red.
My heart
beats a low hum.
At least I know I'm not dead.

"I will find out," the man before me says, "who made you this way. Whoever that boy is. I will know. And until you realize your wrongdoings, your sins; until you come to understand that boys must like girls, men must like women,

I will never,
not once,
call you my son.

Understand?"

It doesn't take long for him and his new family to step foot out of our house. It doesn't take long for mom to rush towards me and give me the hug tailored just for me.

So warm,
so soft,
and yet filled with countless apologies.

Boys must like girls,
said the beast from earlier.
Until I come to understand my sins,
he will not call me his son.

Incredibly absurd it is.
How could I ever be the son
of a devil such as he?