Never disrespected plus I'm well connected.
That was the day I made another exception. I stopped at the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka.
I needed to clear my mind, purify.
Sitting on my balcony 20 minutes later, I was smoking a cigarette, holding a full glass of vodka on the rocks. I couldn't get the image out of my head; Rakim holding a gun to that guy's head.
I mean I always suspected he was doing something on the side but this was completely different. I thought about occasional selling; weed, some pills, I don't know... but certainly not threats and extortion or whatever I saw was.
I'm bad at lying and it wasn't some minor thing I could just swallow and move on from; I didn't know how to act when he comes over.
I only knew I needed an explanation.
A thorough one; before this gets out of hand.
He called me when he arrived and I opened the building door, letting him up.
My door was left ajar for him to enter.
When he shut the door to my apartment, I flinched. There was this pressure in my chest, how do I start the conversation?
"Sorry I'm a little late, I had to swing by my place real quick." He loudly said, walking to the balcony.
"Dita? Hey..."
He stepped out, taking a seat next to me.
He gave me a concerned look after noticing a bottle of vodka in the corner.
"Baby cakes..."
He softly said as I turned my head to him.
"Sorry I couldn't come with you, Tyler and I had to check something."
"Have you ever killed anyone?"
I shot out of the blue.
He was surprised; I caught him off guard, I could tell.
"What?"
"You heard me; have you ever killed anyone."
I took a sip of my drink, blatantly looking at him, waiting for an answer.
"No." He said. "Why would you even ask me that?"
I blew out smoke and tilted my head.
"Because that's what you ask a person after you see them pointing a gun at someone's head."
I was speaking calmly but my words stung, I saw it.
He let out a loud sigh, shaking his head.
"I told you to go on home and wait here; why would you follow me?"
He was pissed. Concerned too.
"You think I don't know what you were talking about? I grew up in a ghetto, a drug infested neigbourhood for fuck's sake!"
I raised my voice.
"I know!"
I provoked him because he raised his as well.
"Let's just take it inside, okay? I don't want everyone to hear this shit."
He stepped inside and I stormed after him, closing the balcony door.
"This ain't shit! I just saw you with a gun in your hand acting like you're Scarface, I'm sorry if I'm not stoked!"
"I get it, okay?"
He sternly said.
"I remember everything you told me about yourself. The way you were raised and shit, it's why I kept this to myself."
I sighed and poured myself another drink.
"I wasn't gonna hurt that dude." He admitted.
"Tyler and I were gonna scare him a little; which is exactly what we did. He owes some money."
"Oh, that makes it perfectly okay, right?"
I was being sarcastic.
"Look, I don't expect you to understand. It's my shit, I'll deal with it."
He said.
"It might be your shit but I deserve to know at least something, don't you think?" I took a seat on the couch, looking up at him. "I'm always with you."
"I was gonna tell you eventually, I get what you're saying. But I trust you so you gotta trust me too." Our gazes were locked until I buried my face into my palms, leaning forward.
"Fuck!" I cussed to myself.
"I'm sorry baby." He came closer and knelt down in front of me. He pulled me into a hug, his fingers tangling in my hair. "I don't usually tell chicks how I gotta do some dirty work on the side if somethin' goes wrong. You already know more than any of'em ever have."
I was crying. I couldn't take the pressure anymore, so I just burst into tears like a small child.
"I'm sorry."
"You? Why you sorry? I'm the one that should be apologizing." He was caressing my hair, then pulled away and wiped my tears when he cupped my face gently.
"I lost too many people already and it's always been to something like this; or related to this." I was referring to any kind of illegal activities.
"You ain't losing me, I promise you." He firmly said. "Look at me."
I lifted my gaze up to his eyes, drowning in the brown darkness.
"I got you."
The words echoed in my head and I believed him.
I had to.
