You in love with me still.
I ran down the street, panting loudly, trying my best to wrap my head around the fact that I've just caught some random hoe at Rakim's apartment.
I stopped when I reached the park, throwing myself on the green grass by the tree.
I cried.
Maybe I deserved it.
Maybe I had it coming all along.
Especially after what went down on our way back from Miami.
If the life story of my parents taught me anything, it's definitely expect nothing and everything; nothing from no one and everything of everyone.
I knew it from the start: Rakim has a side business, some kind of a double life that he's probably not planning on stopping any time soon.
When I first saw him I knew. I even tried my best to avoid him; but we ended up together.
And now I'm thinking, maybe we just aren't meant to be.
I got up and walked back to my apartment. Vodka with ice and a warm bath sounded more than nice. I needed it too.
My phone kept ringing but I ignored it. Rakim called me over 10 times and left a bunch of messages and texts.
I couldn't handle him in that moment.
I needed not to think about anything before even considering talking to him.
💛
The banging on my door wasn't going to go away and I knew that it was time to face Rakim.
I put my silky robe on, then went to open the door, holding a drink in my hand.
I was too tired to cry.
Opening the door, I revealed his dark brown eyes, staring at me with a certain sadness.
He looked like a hot mess.
A look of remorse floated towards me, as he was standing there, hands stuck in his pockets.
I took a sip from my glass, turning around and walking towards the balcony.
He entered. Shutting the door, he followed me and took a seat right across from me.
"Baby..."
I heard him say with this tender tone in his voice, I wasn't used to it.
I was still quiet.
Lighting up a cigarette, I was waiting for him to explain what I saw at his apartment.
Looking at his face, I could feel tears trying to form in my eyes but I decided I wasn't going to cry this time.
"I'm sorry honey."
I blew out smoke, turning my head. My gaze shifted from left to right, ending on his sad eyes.
"Say something, please?"
He said.
"Do you even wanna be with me?"
I just asked.
"Don't ask me that, you already know the answer."
"Do I?"
I took another drag from the cigarette.
"Because the last time I saw you, there was some random bitch at your place, laughing and giggling like it's nothing."
"Baby... if you'd just let me explain we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."
"What would you do if it were the other way around?"
I asked.
"I wouldn't leave!"
He raised his voice.
"Oh, now it's my fault... I should've introduced myself and joined the fucking party!"
"Stop!"
He loudly said.
"Just listen to me."
He grabbed my hand, leaning closer.
I put my cigarette out and did what he asked me to.
"I was mad, okay? After we got back from Florida, you didn't want me around and I thought it's for good; I wouldn't be surprised. You way outta my league anyways."
I narrowed my brows, giving him a sympathetic look.
"Then Kitty called and I told her to come over."
"Kitty?"
He nodded.
"Really?"
I scoffed.
"Yeah. Who gives a fuck about her name. Point is, I wanted to smash her. When I invited her over I had every intention of doing so... but as soon as she walked in, I started thinking about you, me... what a damn fool I been..."
"You wanted her?"
I was a little shocked but honestly, I expected the worst from him. And that wasn't his fault, it was on me.
"That all you heard? Damn, woman!"
He frowned, leaning back on the chair.
"No! I get what you're saying. But you gotta know... Hiding stuff from me won't help us in any way."
"I know. I thought about it. Maybe it's time to stop dealing. I ain't cut out for it anymore. Plus I don't wanna lose you."
He explained.
"You mean that?"
"Cross my heart, hope to die."
He drew a cross on the left side of his chest with his finger, grinning.
"I love you Rakim. I'm not sure if we'll make it but I don't wanna quit trying."
I admitted.
"Why wouldn't we?"
I looked into his eyes, chuckling cynically.
"We're two of a kind; it's not in the cards for us."
I smiled.
"Then I'll make sure we spend our time together, proving everyone wrong."
As I was admiring his beautiful smile, I thought to myself; disappointment. I wanted to give up and he stopped me.
Maybe I have much more to work on than I thought.
Just one of the many scars my problematic start in life left me.
