What happened?

Part 18: I'm coming home

Lisa

We were at a point when nothing really worked out anymore. Now we had an open hospital bill for Lauren, plus a whole month worth of medicaments and antibiotics. Katherine and I kept that for ourselves but turned out it wasn't that much of a secret anymore. When I sat down in the kitchen with Katherine that one night, we talked about bills and money in general. It all got too much and it seemed like we had to give up on our apartment.

'Kath, what are we gonna do? I don't get the OK from the doctor to go back to work, Lauren needs to rest and Dani is not well either. And you can't overwork yourself. You'd end up like me. That wouldn't help at all. I'm clueless...' I said and covered my face with my hands and sighed.

'I don't know what to do anymore either. We roughly get $800 a month. The apartment is $1000. We can't pay for Dani's treatment anymore and Lauren's bills are at $250 at the moment. The car is broken. No money to repair it. Extra bills for not paying the apartment on time last month...' Katherine said while drawing lines on the paper in front of her. Of course, she was calculating. Little did we know that someone heard us.

Dani

That night, I woke up because of Lauren making painful noises. She had another cramp on her shoulder, coming from her Lyme disease. I noticed that the lights were on in the kitchen so I walked towards the kitchen to turn it off, but then I heard Lisa and Katherine talking about bills and that we couldn't pay for the apartment anymore. I was shocked, scared and mad at the same time. Why did they not just tell us? We are not babies anymore... but on the other hand, I couldn't help them. I was just another problem. I didn't want this anymore. I ran back to our room, took the laptop and sat down on the floor in front of my bed. I promised Hoa I would never use her United Flight account again since she told me to book a flight for her 2 years ago. Well, I just couldn't do this anymore. I logged into her account and it still had her bank account. I started sobbing and didn't know if my intention was wrong. I cried and looked up for the next available flight from Nashville to Shanghai. I panicked. What did I do?! Leaving my sisters alone? Is that okay? No, it definitely wasn't. But being a millstone around their neck wasn't right either. I clicked two times and then the flight was booked. Tomorrow at 8:25 am. I'd finally see Hoa again and my sisters would have more money left without me. I turned off the laptop and checked if the girls were still talking in the kitchen, but all the lights were turned off. I sat down on the back door stairs and watched the stars. Was it the right decision?

-next day-

I got out of bed, packed my suitcase and wrote a letter to the girls who were still sleeping.

'Good morning. I'm so sorry for being the millstone around your neck. It doesn't make sense for me anymore. I love you all so much, but I want to live a normal life. I can't cope with this ongoing search and tiny pieces of hope anymore. I spent the last 5 years searching for my old life, but then I realized that my life is in China now. That doesn't mean I'm not happy that I got you back. It was the best thing I could've ever imagined in these past years and the search for Christina and Amy will go on, no doubt about that. But I'm sick of spending my life searching for something that is gone now. You don't realize that we all just want to live like 6 years ago. But life is not like that anymore. Mom and Dad are gone and we can never live like before. I listen to Lisa talking to her Russian family almost every day. I hear Katherine crying because of her family in the Phillippines. Lauren can't get out of the orphanage because she got used to that life and is afraid to lose it again. She stays on distance, just like all of us. And me? I should be in college right now, spending my time with boys and going out shopping with friends. But instead, I keep looking for jobs one after the other, go to the therapist and cry my eyes out because of the uncertain future. You all belong to my life and it's the best thing ever that I found you, and of course, Amy and Christina too, but I realized that it's just like living every day and disbelief. We live every day just for the hope of getting a sign from them, but it's not working out. I know that we have money problems. One bill after the other and we all just aren't well. We're not healthy enough. We struggle with much more mental and physical issues now. We haven't struggled that much when we were still separated. I'm not saying that finding each other made it worse, but it's just wrong to live our lives like that. Living in a time loop. Please accept my wish to live with my new friends and Hoa in my new life. Forgive me and accept my choice. I won't give up in you, Christina or Amy. I love you. -Dani'