What happened?

Part 12: Poetical Blackout

Christina

So, when I got the letter like two weeks ago, I didn't actually know what to reply. Everyday I would come home from work, I would attempt to write one, but after "Wow, I can't believe it." or "That's amazing!" or "I'm so happy!", nothing else came out.

One day, I walked into the kitchen preparing dinner for the family. Nobody asked me to, but I had a day off at work and I couldn't seem to focus on the letter at all. Shivani was out with the kids all afternoon and Taniv was at work as usal, so I was alone. I made Palak Panir and Punjabi Daal. Palak Panir is Indian cheese with spinach and Punjabi Daal is a meal made of red lentils with garlic, onion, ginger and tomatoes in curry sauce. Well, I'm not a good Indian cook, but these are two easy things to make and I know Taniv and Shivani loves them. I fear they wouldn't let me cook anything else that is Indian anyway. When I prepared the cheese, Lysisha walked into the kitchen. She just turned 17 and was as tall as me. She checked on the pots to see what I'm making.

"Mmmm, that smells so good." she says right before the pieceful silence was over. Lisha and Ashiva ran through the kitchen screaming something I didn't understand. They almost hit the counter where I put the main pot on. Luckily, Shivani was able to calm them down before my beautifully made dinner was ruined.

"Mmm, you made dinner? How comes?" Shivani asked and gave me a motherly kiss on the cheeck.

"Poetical blackout.." I responded. She knew what that means.

"Ugh, still?" she said while trying the sauce I made.

"Watch out! This is still hot!" I tried to save her right before she was about to burn her tongue. "Yeah, sadly, I still don't know what to write. It's so hard to write to the people you haven't seen in SO long. All I have to say is something I can't put into words to write down. Who knows how long the letter was already travelling until I got it... Amy will think the letter got lost or I don't care." I sighed.

"She won't. Don't worry. And I give you a point... Keep those words to yourself. Don't even try to write them down. The perfect time to spill it WILL come." Shivani smiled and rubbed my shoulder. How did I deserve her and her always SO uplifting words?

"Do you have any clue what to write?" I asked carefully. She looked at me and then smiled.

"Christina, this is your letter. Your feelings. I didn't nearly go through anything you and your sisters went through. I can't help you. Sorry." she said and walked away. I looked out of the window and sighed again. I tried really hard to focus on everything that happened to find words for this. But this was clearly a big mistake. I suddenly felt my stomach aching and felt completely sick. I ran out of the kitchen right into the bahtroom. All these awful pictures of death, pain and blood flashed in my head. I wanted theem to go away... SO BADLY. I felt tears rolling down my face. I sat down in the corner and protected my body with my arms. I really didn't want to open my eyes, because I literally felt like I was back in this mess.

"Go away... please... go away." I whispered and desperately shook my head. What I didn't notice is that y voice got louder and louder every time. I must have screamed, because Shivani suddenly knocked on the door.

"Are you okay??" she asked. My breathing got harder and I could feel my heartbeat racing up. I couldn't move. Luckily, Shivani came in before I probably fainted out. She kneeled next to me and talked to me in a quite voice while stroking my shoulder.

"Pshhh, calm down. This will go over. It's just a panic attack. This is not real. Inhale... and exhale..." she repeated until my breathing finally got slower and my heart stopped racing like crazy. At some point, I was finally able to open my eyes. I was glad I had Shivani there. She knew my panic attacks really well, so she knew how to deal with it. But she only knew it from years ago. This happened in the first year alot, but got better in the second year. When Shivani moved out of the way, I saw the door... open. Guess who watched the whole dilema? All three of the girls. The were shocked. I could see it in their eyes. Even the 17 year old Lysisha. I tried to get up with the help of Shivani when she brought me to the sink to wash my face with cold water. I looked past the door with a worried face. Their mom noticed my look, so she walked out and brought the girls away. No wonder they were scared. We always tried to hide my panic attacks from the girls. When one came up, their parents brought them away. But this time, their Dad wasn't at home and this happened out of nowhere. I know I said that in the beginning Lysisha comforted me when I was crying, but she never saw me having a panic attack though.

Shivani was probably outside explaining it to the kids. I felt really guilty. When I felt ready to leave the bathroom, I tried not to break into the conversation I already heard from outside the bathroom. I went into my, well our, room and laid down on my bed. I faced the ceiling for quite a while until I noticed a lady bug crawling around. I couldn't deny it, I had to smile to myself, because I haven't seen one in a longer time. I watched it for a while, but then I turned around and faced the wall. The cold, uncolorful brick wall. I closed my eyes to forget everything that was around for a few minutes. Didn't work out really well, because my nose was itchy. I tried to just move it, but it didn't go away. I opened my eyes and saw the lady bug crawling on the tip of my nose. For real now? I laughed up and sat up. It didn't move. I took it down with my fingers and looked at it crawling on my hands for plenty of time. It was beautiful to watch it. It's.. free. Right when I thought about that, it flew away and made it's way through the room, eyploring everything. I kept watching it for like one more minute until it came over me. I suddenly knew what to write. Or, what not to write... whatever. It isn't about words, it is about hope. I picked a pen and paper and started writing about what I just felt.

When I finsihed the letter, I slowly walked into the kitchen hoping to find Shivani there. Oh no! I completely forgot about the food! Luckily Shivani took responsibility for it.

"Hey..." I said facing the floor. Shivani turned around facing the letter in my hand.

"Are you feeling better? Oh I see a letter in your hand! Blockade gone?" she smiled to break the thick air between us. She cleaned her hands on the cloth on the table and then walked up to me.

"Don't worry about earlier. I explained it to the girls and they are alright. And I'm not mad at all." she whispered.

"...and now? Is this the letter?" she asked again.

"Yes, it is. Thank you, I really didn't want this, I think I just focused on what happened way too much earlier. I didn't want to scare the girls, I just couldn't control myself." I apologized.

"Don't worry. They are old enough to know now. I told them. I hope they won't come up with any inappropiate questions.... Um, do you want to bring it to the post office right away? I will explain Taniv when he gets home, so you don't need to worry about him." she offered. I just nodded and went out right away. Taniv got much mor easy going about time I would say. Now that his daughter is 17, she stays out longer too. And I now know the Indian streets I live in. he still cares alot but he won't be that angry anymore when I'm a little late.

I walked down the streets, well, almost ran down the streets to get the letter back to Amy as fast as possible. When I got there, they handed me a letter before I could even give them mine. I was completely confused because I didn't expect anything to arrive for me, but when I saw the return address, my heart jumped out of my breast. It was Amy's name on the envelope. I ripped it open in joy and picked out the flight ticket. It was a flight ticket from India to Africa. Oh my... I couldn't believe it. Was it real? Since I was well known in the post office the lady behinf the desk stood up and asked me whaat made me jump. I didn't even realize I was jumping. I turned around showing her the ticket in disbelief.

"Is. This. Real?" I asked and she took the ticket and controlled it.

"Seems so." she smiled back.

"Pinch me please... I can't believe I'm going to Africa to see Amy again..." I stumbled while I stared on the ticket.

"Ouch!" I screamed up (don't worry, it was quiet this time.). Wow, I was really about to fly back to Amy. It will all happen. Now I don't have to send the letter anymore, I can tell her everything in person.