After My Death Tomorrow (Published Under PSICOM Publishing Inc.)

Episode 6

The moment na sinagot ni Marco iyong tawag ko, I started to break more. Marco is still on his jolly persona. It's as if he is never part of the catastrophic narrative that he is currently experiencing. It's like denying the waving fact that he is doomed right now.

Parang wala siyang problema.

Nakukuha niya pa ngang tumawa.

That moment, na-realize kong wala nga talagang mukha ang kalungkutan. Kasi 'yung iba, dinadaan na lang sa pag-papanggap ang kanilang tunay na nararamdam. Kaya 'yung lungkot, nakatago. Kung mababaw kang tao, hinding hindi mo mararamdaman sa kanila ang totoo.

Noong sabihin na ni Marco sa akin kung saang funeral service siya nandoon ngayon, hindi na ako nagdalawang isip na sundan siya doon. He needs me. Although he hides it, he still needs me-- or someone who will support him, just for him to stay on track; to keep going. And I will do everything to deliver. I need him to be okay. I need it for me to be okay. Kasi nagsisisi ako. Kasi alam ko, kasalanan ko lahat ng nangyayari sa kanya ngayon.

Right now, I am entering the entrance of that funeral service. And it looks really old. Iyong parang inabandona na. Iyong parang na-bankrupt. Sa sobrang luma nga nito ay hindi mo talaga aakalaing nag-o-operate pa ito.

Right on cue, I saw Marco. Sitting on one of the monoblocks that were placed against the plain white yet dirty wall. He is staring at the floor. With his face reflecting what he feels at the moment. Pure and dreadful pain. That's what he looks right now.

My feet gravitated me to him. Naupo ako sa kanyang tabi. Halatang wala siya sa sarili. Hindi niya kasi napansing nasa tabi na niya pala ako. Kung hindi ko pa nga tinapik ang kanyang likod ay paniguradong hindi niya nga talaga ako mapapansin.

"Margot . . ." He started, with his smile that hides what he really feels. That damn smile whom he used as a comouflage to a war of pain that he is currently at. He is denying the pain, I can sense it.

"Hindi ka na sana pumunta," he laughed, it sounds exactly fake as what I heard from his voice message, "I am really surprised that the most uptight nerd that I know ditched her class just for me."

I heave a deep sigh and chose to go with his denying-the-pain game. Hinampas ko siya sa kanyang braso, pumeke din ng tawa. "Siyempre, friends na tayo, 'di ba? Kapag friends na, nagdadamayan 'yan." I tried hard not to look fragile at him. Kasi any moment, maiiyak na naman ako.

He smiled, this time, genuinely. Tumango siya at huminga nang malalim. I can really feel the tension under his breath. I can see the hidden sobs and tears from his aura. I can really sense that deep inside, he is breaking down.

Marco and I talked for a while. We talked about things that I diverted against the idea of his father. I want him to forget his pain while he is with me. Kasi hindi ko kayang manatiling magpanggap na hindi ko nararamdaman iyong kirot sa kanyang puso. Kasi nakokonsensya ako. I may sound like a selfish bitch, but this will benefit the both of us.

Suddenly, we were halted by a bald guy who entered the funeral service. He is with his raging eyes. His patience failed to show on his face. It was then when I knew that he is the ambulance driver that the future Marco talked about on his voice message.

"Matagal pa ba?" He annoyingly took a deep breath. "Kasi kung matagal pa, iiwan ko na lang kayo dito!"

Marco needs the ambulance. Walang vehicle na available dito. Sobrang low class kasi ng funeral service na nakuha niya, parang hindi na nga ito nag-ooperate eh. Nag-operate lang yata kasi kailangan sila ni Marco.

Well, that was so kind of the owner. I really praise him for that. Sana ay marami pang tao ang kagaya niya. Iyong tumitingin sa iba hindi base sa kung anong tingin ng mundo sa isang tao, kundi tumitingin base sa kung ano nga ba talaga ang taong iyon. Right now, Marco is a son who want to do everything just for his father. He is not a reflection of what his father did. And that's what that owner saw.

"Sandali na lang po," halata ang pagkabahala sa boses ni Marco, "sandali na lang po talaga . . ."

"Aba! Lintik na 'yan! Kanina pa iyang sandali mong iyan!"

I ball my fist as the driver's voice roared all over the place.

"Kaunting minuto na lang po," Marco continued, "kaunting kaunti--"

"Kaunti na lang din ang pasensya ko! Kung hindi pa lalabas ang bangkay ng kriminal mong tatay--"

I snapped, "Excuse me po." I started, this man reached my limits. Marco began to stop me but I shove his hands away. "Isn't it your job to help anyone who will be needing your service? As a government worker, to discriminate people is a stupid thing to do."

I raised my eye brow. I equal the level of anger that that man is chanelling. But mine's going paramount, while his is subsiding.

"Ipapaalala ko lang po na binabayaran ka ng gobyerno para tumulong at hindi mag-reklamo. At isa pa, who are you to protest when that ambulance is not even yours? Kung naiinis ka na at," I motioned my hands as if quoting, "nawawalan na ng pasensya, you may leave. But that ambulance will stay. And you should prepare to be unemployed tomorrow because I will make sure that I will report this dumbness of yours to the Municipal Office."

Tila bang napahiya iyong lalaki. Bagkus kasi na sumagot sa akin ay lumakad lang siya papalabas ng funeral nang padabog.

Minsan talaga, hindi ko maintindihan ang mundo.

Bakit kung sino pa 'yung mas matanda,-- 'yung mas subok na sa hamon ng buhay-- sila pa 'yung nagiging isip-bata?

The answer might prolly be because of their pride. They tend to justify their wrongs by overpowering us with the use of their so-called "experience".

Unfair man sa ating mga bata, wala tayong magagawa. That's just how the world works. Specifically, the Philippines.

I just hope that someday, that toxic trait would change.

"Thank you." Came by Marco's little voice. This is the first time I've seen him like this. He looks weak and . . . maybe, hopeless.

I just took a deep breath.

I close my eyes.

And pray that everything fall into right places as soon as possible. Kasi kung magpapatuloy ito, parang hindi magiging masaya ang bawat araw ko.

It was my fault.

Marco's pain is my mistake.

And I can't find any way how I can escape it. Not that I want to escape from my regrets, but it's just too much for me.

Ang sakit mabuhay kung alam mong may taong nalulungkot nang dahil sa 'yo.

'Yung kirot sa puso ko ngayon, hindi ko kaya. Nakakamatay.

It's a sphere of pain. A painful orb that's full of my regrets and what ifs. It kept on breaking my already broken heart.