Artificial(ish) Intelligence

Chapter 3

"Arghhhhhh" cried Will. Or would have, if the muscles in his throat hadn't given up for the day and headed out for a nice dinner.

Above him, the selfiebot's wings fluttered so fast their movements were imperceptible. Will gave it his best shot, though, as he got to his feet.

"They're a bit more dangerous than I thought," he said, ducking.

"Yeah," said Paige, crunching on another biscuit, "dangerous to your privacy."

Will weaved as the selfiebot made another erratic dive before rising up to the ceiling once more. It was reminiscent of a bird swooping to protect its nest, and Will vaguely remembered what it was like to play outside in the park, an image of a child and his parents having a BBQ on a warm spring afternoon. In others this may have invoked a sad wistfulness, a simpler time, but Will's life had always been that way: no terrible childhood incidents to overcome, never denied a toy or experience. And this reality certainly hadn't changed during his first few years of adulthood. Yeah, life was pretty great.

He shook out of the memory when the bot came in for another attack, a tit trailing a twit. He didn't know how to deal with turmoil, and this was his greatest challenge yet.

Paige squinted her eyes with mirth. Crunch. Crunch-crunch.

"You know," said Will, panting, "it's more traditional to eat popcorn while watching-- Whoa!" The selfiebot swooped and chased Will around the room in fast motion, like a scene from the Benny Hill show, but with no music and only one tit.

"You're a crack-up," said Paige. "Just hide until it sorts itself out."

Then the selfiebot did something completely unexpected. It sorted itself out. Hovering steadily, this wasn't an adult bird dive-bombing an intruder, but a nestling taking its first steps out of the tree.

"Oh," said Will. "It was just learning to fly."

"Yes, me lord," said Paige, in a funny voice.

The selfiebot made a slight dip to one side before recovering. It hovered without any wobbles, level with the floor, and slowly lowered until it was in line with Will's eyes. It seemed to stare right through him, examining his deepest secrets and exploring the depths of his soul, its menacing eyes piercing his veil of--

"That was easy," said Will, oblivious. The eerie soundtrack ended just as abruptly. "Now, uh, how do I get you to--"

"Mmm yeah," said the selfiebot, "you know how to touch me jussst right."

"I picked the girl voice," said Will, with a grin.

"Of course you did," said Paige.

"And you look," said the selfiebot, "in-cred-i-ble."

The last word stretched even further in time than it did in space (on the page you're reading from (or electronic device (or headphones via an audiobook (which would make it non-space (I'm getting confused)))).

"I want to dedicate my entire existence to taking pictures of your beautiful face," said the selfiebot, "but..."

"But?" said Will, sitting up.

"We need to, mmm, pair up," she said. The selfiebot's shutter seemed to wink. "That way I'll only follow your incredible body. How does that sound, lover boy?"

"No!" shouted Paige. "Don't do it. That's how they get you."

But Will wasn't there. He was off with unicorns and fairies and rainbows, in a wonderful world of make-believe, unable to hide his beaming smile. It wasn't often his physique got complemented. Aesthetically challenged was a more common demarcation.