happenings

moving forward

06/26/19- 

[ just a disclaimer, this is just me typing down the thoughts in my mind because its 1:54am and my mind is nowhere near a state to sleep. ]

as all of you can see, or read, this is a chapter related to moving forward or whatever of the sort.

if you don't know yet, i'm in poly now ( its somewhat like college in other countries, its just confusing ) its been 8 months since i graduated high school, or secondary school, whatever it's called. honestly, being in poly is cool - classes are more chill, there's more freedom, maturity, that sort but like so in my school we change classes every semester and honestly i don't think i can handle that. 7-8 weeks into the school term and honestly i'm not even that close to my classmates yet, i'm still struggling to click with them and its not really the best feeling ever. i face days where i want to go back to the old school days and my old school classmates a lot, days where i feel like i don't belong anywhere in my current class, days where i feel like everybody hates me to the very end and are just acting like they're cool with me. 

which brings me to my next point or paragraph, whatever. 

a lot of us face difficulties moving forward, or idk, moving on. but those are two different things. in my opinion, i feel like you can move on but not move forward. does that make sense? like moving on doesn't necessarily mean that you can move forward, yes- no? but i guess you can't confidently say that you've moved on if you haven't moved forward yet. 

[ sometimes i feel like most of the things i write are about me trying to move on or something lol ]

anyways, yep, i honestly don't know how to move forward. i'm always at this point in my life where i'm stuck, i don't know where i stand, what i'm supposed to do next, stuck in the past- whatever it may be. 

before i wrote this, i was sitting in bed and reading through letters and pictures that my friends had for me and like i thought about how i really miss the past. i mean yeah, there are things that i don't want in the past but like i miss how things were i guess?

in the past month, i've lost two people that were really close to my heart; my internet best friend, and somebody who was more than a friend. i've wrote about the both of them quite a lot so you probably know some context if you're a frequent reader. 

recently, it marked the fourth year of my friendship with my internet best friend. i haven't thought about him much before that day actually and i thought that maybe i could get through the day without breaking down of some sort or whatever, but oh well, i still did. then it was his birthday. it was really like two hell of painful days. looking back, our friendship was just surreal, and no matter how many times i say that i'm okay with how things are, i'm not. there's always going to be a part of me that longs for that friendship back. 

as for the other situation, honestly nothing serious happened but he just stopped messaging me all of a sudden, like my texts would go through but he won't open or read them. its going to be almost two months since we last talked, i don't wake up every morning hoping he's replied, i used to, but i just kept on getting disappointed, so i stopped hoping. a part of me wants to say that i don't care anymore, but i do, i always will. sometimes i wish i didn't love him that much. i can't say it doesn't ache when i think of him, i can't say i don't miss the times with him,i can't say i didn't wish him back, because i still do; i always did.

if two of the most closest things to your heart was taken away from you, it's hard to move forward and confidently say that you're okay. having them assures you that even if hell breaks loose, things will be fine. that even if the whole world is against you, just having a few people who aren't is okay. and its hard to find people like that again, its hard to replace people who  even for a split second make you feel a 100% when you've been at -20 the whole day. 

but you know what? that's okay. a friend once told me that there's actually so many people who are there for you, you're just afraid to let them be there for you. i guess that's pretty normal, especially if you have trust issues. 

at this point, i'm just stuck at so many things that i don't know how to take a step forward from all of them. but taking a step back would never hurt, if you feel like you need to, then go ahead. 

friends, family, school, myself - all at once, they can be really deceiving and you might lose yourself in the process, you might go crazy or sick, who knows. but i guess what you can really take away from this is that:

you don't always have to keep on moving forward, sometimes you need to take a breather, stay there for a while. if you need to, take a step back, then step forward again. 

i don't know how long i intend to "stay" and how i'm going to move forward, but when you have friends who are willing to keep on catching you when you trip and fall, then moving forward wouldn't be too hard really. 

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whoops idk what i just wrote there but its now 2:42am and i should really try to get some sleep cuz i have an exam tmrw but oh wells. love ya'll <3