happenings

second choice

01/21/20 - 

its only the first month of 2020 and i already hate it. 

if you've been here long enough, you're probably familiar of the person i took 8 months to get over and all that shenanigans. 

well it kinda happened - again. 

but it was pretty worst i think. then again it was my fault. 

liking someone who already has a girlfriend never ends well, but i took that risk. and fair enough, he felt the same. but that wasn't strong enough. it never is. 

i thought the world was finally in my favour when they broke up, but i spoke too soon. 

i was never going to be enough. 

i trusted this person a lot, i opened up my whole life to him, only to have him tell me that it was still her. 

i never felt that before. i was never put as a second choice before. 

but there's a first time for everything right? 

and that really took a toll on me.  not only did it make me cry in the bathroom for 15 mins that morning, and make me late to school, but put me at my lowest point, in the first month of the decade lol. 

2020 was off to an amazing start lmao sarcasm. 

but after my fair share of spending my nights crying, of stalking his twitter account - i still couldn't hate him for what he did. until i realized it. 

he wasn't being selfish for choosing her over me, he was just following his heart, and his own feelings. all of us are entitled to that. yes, it was painful for me. it still is. but i think to have that courage to tell me what he really felt, deserved recognition. although he knew i was probably going to end up hurt, that wasn't his motive. or maybe it wasn't. he just wanted to be honest and take my well-being into consideration. if he hadn't had done that, i wouldn't have known and would probably be hoping for a dead end. 

but at the same time, it caused me to question myself a lot. and made me reflect a lot too. 

heck it even made me go on a social media break for the first time in my life lmao. 

writing this still makes me tear up, and it still aches. 

nobody deserves to be the second choice of anybody, even if it was a celebrity or the fucking president - you deserve somebody who chooses you. not somebody who treats you like their back up plan when one fails. 

its basically a rebound. 

never settle to be anybody's second ( - or third, or fourth, or whatever position ) choice. you owe yourself more than that. you're worth more than that. 

because chances are they're only at you because its convenient for them. you're just there hiding in their closet waiting for them to pick you and when they realize the thing at the front of it is faulty, their next choice is to just settle for the one at the back, even if they dont want it. 

we may not always get what we want, and life's no easy game but, 

dont be the one at the back. you deserve to be at the front.  all of us do. 

it may take a long while, but eventually, we will find someone who picks us first.