happenings

trigger point

04/18/20 - 

i know its been a longgg ass time since i last wrote and i honestly didn't plan on coming back at all but something just pulled me back here and here i am. 

so as all of you probably know, the world is experiencing a pandemic and anywhere you go, people are probably panicking about it.

where i'm from, it hasn't been long since we were put on lockdown - it's not even called lockdown lol the government puts it as a 'circuit breaker'. its probably only been 12 days since that started but way before that the government also put my family and i on a 'stay home notice' for 14 days so i couldn't go even one step out of my house because we returned from overseas. 

so basically i started like a month ago, it hasn't even been that long tbh. 

but that's not why i'm here. 

i think the quarantine shit has really taken a huge toll on my mental health. 

i mean yes, there was a trigger point and honestly, without that, i wouldn't have seen it coming. 

i'm the type of person who goes out to forget about my problems - something like an outside introvert and i overthink - like A LOT.  so staying at home made my overthinking thrive in a lot of ways. 

for instance, that overthinking caused my ex-boyfriend to break up with me aha. i haven't been in a relationship for two years now and i don't know why i said yes but i did, and tbh, that one week we were together, i have never felt happier. 

if you have read the previous chapter, i became the second choice, and that took a great toll on me. so when he asked me out, a part of me felt good, that for the first time, i wasn't somebody's second choice - that somebody actually wanted to be with me. and i felt good. 

bUT my insecurity and overthinking had to interrupt and one thing led to another and he said we were better off as friends. 

that was my trigger point. 

i cried a lot that night and the night after that, and the next. it was really stupid of me to do so, but i realized that crying doesn't mean you're weak, and if it helps you get things out, then do it. 

i started to question my self-worth a lot, what was wrong with me, was i doing something wrong, am i just unlikeable that people don't wanna be with me? and i started seeking for validation that i didn't need and i could honestly feel myself plunging at that point. 

a part of me wanted to shut myself out from everybody i knew, and that was when i knew something was really wrong. so i reached out to my friend - he said i was going into depression lol, and he was right. 

the next few days were bad - i stayed up thinking about so many things, so many scenarios - i couldn't shut my mind up. 

until one of my favourite writers on Instagram created this chat. ( yall should really check him out, he's good - @payformycoffee | @ronwritings ) 

i think being in that group really opened my mind up to a lot of things; that i was not alone, that what i felt was normal, and that there are so many more great things that what i was sulking about. 

i started reflecting a lot, and wrote more stuff to help me release my feelings, and they worked. 

i still do think about a lot of stuff nowadays, but having that chat gave me hope that there are better things out there and i'm on the road to overcoming my problems within my mental health. 

its an ongoing and slow process, but i know that with the people around me, things will get better. 

baby steps is the way to go. 

and if it wasn't for that trigger point, i probably wouldn't have almost gotten into depression but at the same time, i wouldn't have realized so many things and wouldn't have put myself on that journey to become a great person, and i'm glad. 

sometimes trigger points are necessary - they're like a blessing in disguise. you probably wouldn't realize it immediately, but trigger points will eventually put you into something bigger and even better. remember, you have to take the first step first before you can reach the top, even if that first step causes you to fall. 

its like snakes and ladders. no matter how many snakes cause you to drop, you eventually make your way to the end.