Her Lovely, overprotective Brothers

Chapter 42

It's not their fault that they loved her so much. It's not their fault that they cared for her for so much. I'm not angry at those because I know that she was there for them first when I wasn't, I know that. I really do. I know but what made me mad was how little they cared for me. How they are willing to push their point that Lydia was not a bad person.

Maybe she wasn't...to them.

I got their support but I didn't have their love. And that hurts so much that words can't even describe the pain. For all I know, maybe they're just keeping me alive so that they could pretend that I'm their Lydia. They haven't moved on.

Hate the sin, love the sinner.

They haven't completely accepted the fact that she was gone. I know that. I know that there's so many stories about her inside of their hearts.

And I would never be able to erase that.

And that's so painful.

"I just want to go to bed." I whispered. "I'll skip dinner tonight so.. " I started to walk (or more like sway) away from them, wanting some distance as much as possible because I just want some time alone. I want to think about this.

I can't just ignore the problem at hand though. I just can't. Sooner or later, we'll be a family who'll be more distant to each other and then it won't be called a family anymore and I don't want that to happen. But I just want to pretend that this is nothing big. That this problem is not huge and that it can be fixed. Pretend that this is nothing but a nightmare and not a reality.

And forgiving them could be so hard for me.

Just as I was about to leave the room, Lucas grab my wrist making me flinch at the touch. I look back at him, horror ran throughout my whole body as I try to shake off his grip. It was a futile attempt because he was much stronger than me and that made me scared.

What if he's annoyed and that he will be like Lydia as well? H-He'll throw me at the pool, he'll lock me in a dark place like she did.

"Lucas... Lucas, please... " I begged, trying to pull my hand away. "Just let me go..."

Lucas shook his head disobediently, his tears was continuously falling down as he stared at me, he was looking at me, not in hopelessness. An emotion that was not negative.

And that was determination.

"I told Daniel that I won't make you go through this alone, Sam. If I let you walk right out of this right now then I'm just a big fat selfish ass jerk of a brother to you, okay? You're my sister, you're our sister, and Lydia... She was in the past--"

"But you still think of me as her, right?" I suddenly sobbed, shaking my head in denial. Even if he said that she was in the past, they still love her. They are willing to give up everything for her.

But she's gone and they're mad at me for that. They're imagining me as her and that made me feel like a doll. Used only for a game of imagination.

But I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I want to believe that they're not like that. I want to believe that they did something to help me when Lydia was doing those to me. I want to but it was so hard when you're telling yourself to believe something that's not even true.

My thoughts are so puddled. I can't choose which is which. I don't know what's right anymore.

"I'm just a living remembrance of her, that's what I am... "

Lucas tightened his grip. "I'm not letting you go... "

"Then do you admit that you guys really let her do whatever she wanted with me?" I asked, glaring at him through my glassy eyes. "This is why you're doing this right? Because of guilt? Because you all knew that you guys did something wrong. But why are you trying to make amends to me when you can't even admit your own mistakes?"

I snatched my hand away from him making Lucas drown in much more guilt.

I just want to go to bed. I just want to breathe and not be in this uncomfortable and suffocating tension in the air.  I look at my parents and glared at them. They're here but they were silent. They did nothing but say that I wouldn't understand or that you didn't deserve this.

But I do. I do deserve this. Right now, I'm the one who's an emotional wreck here. I don't want to listen to their explanations about this matter. I'm running away from a problem again.

I deserve this because I'm acting like a huge pain in their lives.

And that's what I am.

A burden.

A big fat annoying burden.

"Samantha... " Mom called sadly. "Hear us out and that would be enough."

"What's there to say?" I exclaimed, feeling empty inside all of a sudden.

"Please Sam... " Mom begged.

I look at her for a moment then I look at the ground sadly. "I know the truth now. Forgiving is not easy, mom a-and I want to forgive you guys but that's the problem. I can't. I'm remembering and you don't know what that is like... It's torture, i-it's something that I don't want to experience and I just don't know what to do— I'm scared, okay? So please give me some time alone..."

"Then I hope you find some answers while you're at it, okay?" Tyler said quietly, smiling softly at me. "Have a good rest, Sam... "

I nodded, doubting that I'll have a good rest but I just closed my mouth.

I just want to forget all about this. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

Just let me have the power and strength to be okay.

To be fine.

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We're almost there! Just a little bit more and we'll go back to okay and joy!

So sorry for the wait! Especially when you guys were stuck in that last chapter where it all came down to tears and truths for Sam. ≧∇≦

I hope you guys enjoyed this. I feel like I rushed this chapter but let me know what you guys think about it.

Leave a vote, guys!