too broken /yoonmin/

6

Jimin and Soonyoung end up ditching the plan and buying a bunch of take out to eat while they watch one of their favorite movies.

"I'm sorry, Soonyoung." Jimin apologizes as he picks at his food. "I know you wanted to go out tonight."

Soonyoung shakes his head. "I-I did o-only for you, h-hyung."

Jimin smiles softly. "Thank you."

Soonyoung nods before returning his attention back to the movie.

But Jimin's mind is elsewhere as he stares at the screen of his laptop.

He can't help but wonder where Yoongi is and what he's doing.

He tried not to think of the other because thoughts of Yoongi were usually associated with thoughts of the past and he was still in a delicate place in his recovery.

But how could he not think about him after such a long time of not seeing him? Of not being able to ask if he was okay, if he was taking care of him self. If he was happy.

He wanted to talk to him, ask him how his day was and what it was he was doing now.

He wanted to know about his current relationship and if he was genuinely happy, despite the pain that came with the thought.

He wanted to know that Yoongi was okay, that he was happy.

And he wanted Yoongi to know that he was okay, and that he was still on his journey to happiness. 

Though things got easier everyday it was still hard, hard not to think about that part of him.

It was like there were two people living in his head and they were constantly arguing and obsessing over food.

One person was okay with the way Jimin looked and wanted him to be happy and the other person wanted him to be thin.

Even now as he ate with Soonyoung and appeared fine on the outside Jimin was mentally fighting off the voice in his head telling him that he should stop eating.

And despite wanting to fight that voice off Jimin found himself wanting to give into it at the same time.

He knew that he was still at a high risk for relapse so he tried to be strong and continue to eat normally without exercising but he still found himself itching to get to the dance studio and over work himself despite the risk of being caught by his doctors.

He hated himself for always worrying about these things, he wanted to be free of these thoughts and these tendencies.

He hated the fact that, despite those hard times, he was the happiest when he was sick.

When he was still with Yoongi.

And something in his mind wants to go back despite all the pain he remembers.

He wanted to go back to the time where he had the love of his life with him and not with anyone else.

Those old feelings and emotions were creeping back up on him and they weren't making matters better.

Jimin felt like Yoongi loved him more when he was thin, loved him when he was small and soft.

Now he wasn't that small and Yoongi didn't feel the need to stay around anymore.

Didn't need to take care of him anymore so now he's gone for good.

Jimin shakes his head at the thoughts that won't stop coming.