Different (Matthew Espinosa)

Chapter 19

I open the door to see Shawn standing in my door way with roses, a teddy bear and a box of chocolates. "Holy shit it not valentines day." I tell him surprised. He just chuckles and walk in setting the stuff on the table. "I heard what happened and you deserve way better Karrisa." Shawn says embracing me with a hug. I hug back and am so glad I have shawn as a FRIEND. Only a friend. "Oh my gosh you're the best." I tell Shawn.

"Thank you. You too. Now do you wanna share these chocolates while watching spongebob?" Shawn says and I laugh nodding yes. We walk over to the couch with the big box of chocolates and I turn on spongebob. Shawn puts his arm around me and I lay my head on his shoulder. "Thanks for being a good friend Shawn. I don't know what I'd do without you." I tell him. But he doesn't reply. I look up and he's looking at my wrist with teary eyes. Shit I forgot to cover them up.

I quickly get up panicking. "Karrisa... why?" Shawn asks while tears fall down his cheeks. "You wouldn't understand Shawn." I say as calm as possible with my head down. "But Karrisa you're too pretty to do that. You're too bright and awesome to ever do that." He says and my heart feels warm. But then it shatters. "Shawn nobody understands! Nobody ever will!" I yell at him with tears falling down my cheeks too. Shawn gets up and hugs me and I hug back while crying in his shoulder.

"Karrisa... is this because of Matthew?" Shawn asks. "Way more than that... but yeah... those cuts were because of him." I cry out in his shoulder. "I'll fucking kill him... I swear I will." Shawn says. "Please just don't. I already have to share a room with him." I say and he nods understanding. "Karrisa... promise me you won't cut anymore." Shawn says pulling away to look me in the eye. I wipe my tears. "Shawn I ca-" He cuts me off. "Promise." He says with a serious face. I pause for at least a minute. Cutting is the only thing that eases the pain.

"Shawn... that's the only thing that keeps me happy." I say looking down. He cups my chin and lifts my head so I'm looking at him. "Cutting won't help anything. You burn brighter than the sun. Don't dim that light. Karrisa... just promise." He says choking on the last word because he wants to cry. "I... promise Shawn." He then hugs me and I hug back for at least five minutes.

He pulls apart and walks into the bathroom. "Where's your blades?" He asks. "Correction.. blade and on the sink." I say to him slowly not wanting him to. He grabs my blade and flushes it. I have no more shavers to take blades out of. My happiness is gone. My only friend. The only thing I trusted is now gone.

Shawn gets a text and answers it, looking at his phone sad. "I have to leave... um Bart wants to talk to me." Shawn says but I don't really believe his excuse. "um... ok. Please don't tell anyone..." I say. "I promise I would never do that." Shawn says giving me one last hug then leaving. And now I'm alone again... left with only the weight of depression in my throat and heart.

I don't know what to do and certainly do not want to see anyone at all today. I grab Shawns teddy bear he gave me and instantly burst into tears. I remember the teddy bear Matthew got me while I was in the hospital for my panic attack. I look at the roses and there's a note from Shawn.

Don't let others control your happiness. Control your own happiness and be happy all the time. You're smile is beautiful and a work of art that would brighten anyone's day. -Shawn

I cry hard. I hug Shawns teddy bear which is way bigger than Matthews and cry into it. I calm myself down after about ten minutes. I throw the bear on the couch and run to the bathroom washing my face off. I look pretty enough without make up so I just go with no make up and slip on a bunch of bracelets to cover my scars.

There's only one more thing that will cheer me up and that's none other than... Starbucks. Yes I know I've got white girl problems.