Mellie's POV
She was very pale, unhuman like. She was the tiniest baby I had ever seen. The strange part was that she was mine.
Shawn stared at her in awe. He was so happy to be a father. I on the other hand, wasn't feeling the same joy he was. Everything was so real now. I am a mother now. I'm a mother to a little girl who can't breathe on her own and might not make it.
"Can we hold her?" Shawn asked, turning to one of the other nurses.
"Of course! It would be nice for her to have some skin to skin contact with her mother."
Shawn looked over to me and smiled. I faked one back. I didn't want to hold her. I didn't feel like she was mine. I had made her and carried her for so long but... I just couldn't accept that she was mine.
"I want to go back to my room now." I blurted.
Everyone turned towards me, all very confused.
"Just hold her for a little bit." Shawn replied, crouching down in front of me.
I looked towards the door. The nurse shrugged and pushed me away. A single tear ran down my face. Shawn stood, motionless in the nursery.
The nurse helped me back into bed, dimmed the lights and then left me to be alone. I stared out the window as it started to rain. Cars honked and lights flashed below.
An hour passed of no sleep. Shawn wandered back into the room and sat in the chair next to the bed.
"They say that we'll try holding her tomorrow."
"I don't want to." I shot back, avoiding eye contact.
"Mel, she's our daughter. We've waited for this."
"I waited for a healthy baby, not one that can't breath and has to be hooked up to tubes and wires for the first month of her life."
Shawn stood up and stormed out of the room. There was a soft knock on the door. It was one of the hospitals therapist.
"Hello, I'm Laura. I'm just here to talk to you about everything that has went on."
I looked at her in disgust. I didn't want to talk to some therapist who was just going to read from her stupid booklet of things to say.
"I don't want to talk. You can just go. Might as well help someone who needs it."
"You don't need the help. I just thought you might want to talk." she replied. "I'll come back another time."
She nodded at me and left the room. Why were all these people so concerned about me when my baby was upstairs and couldn't breath on her own? All night long, nurses came in to check on me and ask about my pain level. My stomach was still sore but it didn't bother me. It was the least of my worries. I had drifted off to sleep for a short while but was woken up by the sound of Shawn's loud voice in the hallway.
"What do you mean there is nothing you can do?" he yelled.
"I'm sorry, she's just not strong enough."
"Well... make her stronger! Help her! You're the bloody doctor! Fix her!" Shawn shouted.
"We need to think about quality of life. Do you want her growing up in the hospital? Do you want her undergoing hundreds of surgeries and procedures for the rest of her short life? She's expected to make it to 5, maybe 6."
Maybe 5 or 6? What were they talking about?
I slowly got myself out of bed, holding onto the wall as I struggled to walk to the door.
"So there is nothing we can do?"
"We just have to let nature take it's course. I'm extremely sorry." the doctor replied.
I quickly flung the door open with all my might.
"She's going to die, isn't she?" I asked, fighting back tears.
"Ma'am, you need to lay back down." a nurse said, rushing to my side.
I pushed her away and started sobbing.
"Why can't you fix her?" I screamed, fighting the nurses off of me.
"Mel." Shawn said, pulling me into a hug.
Shawn picked me up and put my back into bed. he laid next to me, lightly rubbing my forehead as the doctor explained our options.
Penelope had stage IV Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. It was extremely rare and aggressive in newborns. There was a treatment plan but that involved many long painful nights. We also were given the option to just keep her comfortable until it was her time. The could be weeks or months, maybe days or hours, nobody would knows. The would just do everything they could until there was nothing left to do.
Finally, we could just take her off of everything and let her go peacefully. She would go within the hour. We would be able to hold her and be alone for as long as we needed.
Shawn had decided on option 3. It was the most logically. I couldn't bring myself to make a decision. Why would we make her suffer when we could let her go now before the pain. This was the fastest but the hardest option.
The doctors agreed and finally left us alone.
"I'm so sorry." Shawn whispered, kissing my temple softly. "We can try for another baby. We can get married. We will do whatever you want."
Around 9pm, they brought Penny down in a tiny crib. She was bundled up in a pink blanket, with a little matching hat. The nurse handed her to me as Shawn snuggled next to me.
"I love you so much Penny." I whispered. "You'll always be loved."
We sat silently, crying for about 45 minutes. She finally took one last deep breath before she went completely still.
I started down at her tiny, lifeless body. Shawn had gotten up to get a nurse.
"Penny?" I cried.
She stayed still.
"Penelope. Please don't go. I love you." I cried louder.
A nurse and Shawn came back into the room. I was crying hysterically.
"She's gone now." Shawn said, looking me in the eyes.
******
I am so sorry if I made you cry. :(
