Cigarettes [Bennoda] ✔

Chapter 78

Issa short one but ¯\_(ツ) _/¯

Mike's POV
A month or so passed and, Chester still didn't want me to touch him. He'd let me hug and kiss him like once a day, but then that was it. I understood why, but it was so hard. I know all he could think about was that night, and I wished I could take that memory from him. I could tell he was so unhappy, but I didn't know what to do about it.

He was starting to act very strange around me, like he was hiding something from me. He was starting to go out even more, and I hated that. First of all, I was scared he'd get hurt again. Second of all, Max was our daughter, but that month or so, it felt like I was a single dad. I couldn't understand how so many things could go downhill at once.

Of course things were just going to get worse. One night he came home super late. It was probably two in the morning, and I had already fed myself and Max and got her to sleep. I was sitting in the living room nervously waiting for him to finally show up. He wouldn't answer my calls or anything, so I was scared something happened. Eventually he showed up though, and was clearly intoxicated. I sighed.

"Where the hell were you Chester? You've gotta stop staying out so late. You have a daughter you know." I said. He rolled his eyes and started walking up the stairs. "Yeah yeah." He mumbled. I followed him up to our room, and he immediately started stripping down. When he was just in his boxers, he got into bed, closed his eyes and didn't say another word. I shook my head in annoyance. I couldn't believe him.

I went and took a shower after that, and then put on some boxers and a t-shirt. I decided to go ahead and pick up his dirty clothes so that would be one less thing for me to do in the morning. I knew he wasn't going to do it.

When I picked up his jeans, I heard something move in the pockets. Of course, being the nosey mother fucker I am, I stuck my hand in each pocket until I found what was making the noise. It was a little plastic bag in the back left pocket.

Now, I'm no expert, but it looked like cocaine. It was a white powder and I couldn't think of anything else it would be. Plus it had to be because he had been acting so fucking weird. My heart sank when I realized what it could be. He did not need to be doing drugs again, especially around our daughter. I was not going to raise my child around that.

How would I even ask him if he was on drugs again? What if that wasn't his and he felt horrible that I accused him of it. What if he was already hooked on them badly again and wouldn't quit for our daughter and I. I was so scared.

I put the little bag in my nightstand drawer, and looked at my love curled up in the bed. I sighed. I couldn't understand why we couldn't just be a normal happy couple for once. Ever since we had gotten together, every other month, something dumb had to happen to us.

As I was looking at him, Max started crying. I sighed again, walked over and picked her up. She was starting to get out of waking up every two or three hours and only waking up maybe once or not even at all a night now which was good. Chester and I were starting to catch up on sleep we had been missing since we had brought her home.

I took her downstairs and got her a bottle fixed. Then I sat in the living room and rocked her as I fed her. I couldn't stop thinking about if Chester had drugs in his system at that moment. I knew he had been smoking weed the passed couple weeks, which was whatever. He told me it helped with his anxiety and I didn't see anything wrong with it. I figured weed was better than cigarettes, but cocaine? God, that was a hard drug, and if he was getting access to that, what if he was getting access to drugs even worse than that.

I got Max back to sleep and then I took her back upstairs and put her in her crib. I noticed that Chester was not in bed anymore and the bathroom light was on with the door opened a crack. I walked over after putting Max to bed and opened the door more. Chester was sitting in the floor by the toilet. He was leaned up against the tub, had his knees bent, an elbow resting on one and his head resting on that hand.

"Hey... you alright?" I asked. He nodded and kept his eyes from mine. "I feel sick." He mumbled. "Do you need anything?" I asked. He shook his head. I just nodded and tried to think of what to say to him. I wanted to bring up the drugs, but didn't know how. I didn't know if I should wait until morning or if I should just get it over with.

"I um..." I said, trailing off nervously. "I-I was picking up your dirty clothes earlier, and there was a bag of what looked to be coke in your pocket. I'm not accusing you of anything, but... listen if you're on drugs again, something's got to be done about it. I'm not having that shit around our daughter." I said. He closed his eyes and little tears escaped from them.

"Was it cocaine, Ches? Was it yours? That's all I gotta know." I said. He sighed and wiped his eyes. "Please don't leave me. Please don't take Max from me." He whispered. I furrowed my eyebrows and knelt down in front of him. I took his hands in mine and made him look at me. "Hey... I won't. I'm not gonna keep you from her." I said. "Yes... it was cocaine." He said. I swallowed nervously and nodded slowly.

"I've just been feeling like absolute shit lately. I knew cutting wasn't gonna help anymore, my meds don't help anymore, I couldn't bring myself to actually kill myself, so drugs felt like the only option. They make me forget about shit." He said. I nodded and completely sat down in the floor with him.

"I'm sorry, Mike... I'm so sorry. I know I should've never brought that shit in the same house as our daughter. I just... I don't know. Things were going good, so good, until that guy in that alley. I think about it everyday. It makes me feel disgusting. I can't make it go away." He said, breaking down in sobs. We still weren't at that point where he'd let me hug him for a long time just yet, but I had to hold him in that moment. I put my arms around him and held him tightly. He tried to push me away, but I just kept holding him. He finally gave in, and sank into my arms.

"Chester, it's gonna be okay. We'll figure this out. Promise." I said as I rocked him. "How?" He choked out. "I don't know, but we'll figure it out." I said. "This is just another bump in the road, love. We'll get through it. You've quit drugs before, and you can do it again." "What if I can't?" He cried. "You can. You're so strong and if you put your mind to it you can. You quit smoking just fine. You can quit this." "It's not the same, Mike." "I know it's not, but I know you can do it."

I held him in that bathroom floor for as long as he'd let me. Even stole a few forehead kisses. I knew as soon as that moment was over, he'd push me away again. I just wanted him to know that he was safe with me. I wanted him to know that everything would be alright if he'd just trust me again. I know being with me reminded him of that guy, which made me feel shitty, but I couldn't understand why he couldn't understand that I just wanted to keep him safe, love him, and show him he was beautiful.