Blossoms on fire

Chapter 49

EDITED

I am lying in bed and I am thinking about him. About Noor, my husband. About his question: what I want from our relationship.

What I exactly want?

What?

I know one thing sure. I do not want to be alone never in future. And I know that I want to stay with Noor. But with Ingi far away.

From the start, I feel neutral to her but now every time I am seeing her with Noor I am thinking about how she is pretty, how she is ideal for Noor more than for me. I am afraid that Noor will in future choose her over me.

I do not want him to abandon me. I love Noor. His kindness, his kisses. Iove it all. But I am not ready to give all of me to him and that is the thing because of it he could leave me in future.

When I must decide in this situation, I have two options, let it be and do the same as I did before or change and let him touch me more, let him have me for nights.

I do not feel comfortable. But I would do almost anything to change his mind if he wanted to leave me.

I need him. I need him. I need him very much. Much.

But I am telling to myself that I am a little bit selfish and I should stop it. But I cannot help myself. I want to stay with him. I want to. Because he is kind, caring, loving. I am surprised that he wanted me. Because I am nothing to fight for. I am not pretty, I do not have money, I had only power to rule over Micao. Yes, the third one is wanted much - power. But the others dominate in this era too.

Everyone wants gorgeous wife, much money in their pocket and power.

Why is this world so cruel?

Why this world, these people want so much from everyone?

Why did everything change that way?

Before... what was before actually?

I want to know, I want to know if it would help to be born a few years before. Or if the world is still the same. I want to know what was before when it all happened. I will study, study and then I would know a few of secrets others let lie on the places where they fell once. I will know what are the roots of the problems. Where are their beginnings? Where is mine, Noor's? I cannot wait for a second. It is so exciting to know more.

I have never studied anything. Dad kept saying that I will just be going to marry and nothing more. That women do not need to know anything from the sciences, from nature, about the world, kingdoms. Because women will still take care of their children and their houses and nothing more. For them, it is a waste of time.

I do not think that way now, because I found Noor. I kept asking myself why would he want to be with me and these questions made me go that way I came from. I am glad now. Now, there are no limits to jump over. It is only me and my mind. From now on I will be studying all the time I can so day by day I would know more and more about my past, about this world's past. I want to understand, understand why people are acting this way, what did it force them to be like this. And I hope that this acting it is not from the start. I hope everything has some reason to be. So let's find it.

But how will I call it...

I will be searching for the stories. In our language it is HISTORIAS.

So the one whole story of this planet should be named as HISTORIA.

I cannot wait, I cannot wait.

I run out of the room straight to the library. There I was amazed by how many books are here. it is magical to see it. I go through each part of the library. And I picked ten books. There are so heavy, I almost cannot carry them. I go through corridors. I am looking down all the way. I was going and going but then I bumped into someone.