I Think We're Doomed - Freshmen Year

Happy Birthday - Jupiter

My eyes barely stay open from lack of sleep and the darkness in my room was more inviting to me than the sun shining outside. From the number of drugs I took, I should be in a coma but surprisingly I'm just half dead. I sit at the edge of my bed, a black hood over my head and only silence filling the room. I spent most days like this, even today, my birthday. I reach in my pocket and grab my tiny bag of coke and stare at it before I crack it open, taking a bit under my pinky nail and holding it up to my nose. I take a deep inhale then wipe my nose, enjoying the bitter drip I grew accustomed to over the months. Due to my lack of sleeping, I could still feel the molly I took a night ago. I've been getting fucked up on white girls for the past three months. I used to do these things and have fun. Now I need them to fill the black hole of emptiness inside me that burned with rage every day. Jordan gave up and stopped trying to talk to me after a while, I guess he got the hint I was over it and didn't want to be bothered any longer. I mean, I'm not really over it. I still like Jordan, I just hate myself. I feel disgusting and worthless. Everything at home is normal, I guess. Whatever you call normal. I should say everything is normal looking for my dad, nothing has changed. I keep myself fully dressed at night now and lock my door. I don't speak unless spoken to, in fear of saying the wrong things. My grades.. well they're okay. I've been trying to focus on studying but it's hard, the coke helps me focus sometimes though, but I almost always give up towards the end.

A soft knock comes from my door and I quickly stuff my bag of coke back into my hoodie pocket. I slip my legs up on the bed and stare at the door, panting in slight fear that'd it might be Easton since Nancy and my dad are gone.

"It's me, Estrella. Can I come in?" She says with a soft voice, I see her turn the knob but rejected by the door being locked.

I get up out my bed slowly and walk to the door, opening it and being greeted by Estrella and her baby bump. I look down at her stomach and back up to her face, she looked good and refreshed. I could tell in her eyes I didn't look as great as her smile quickly went dim. My hair is a mess and I don't smell the best, I'm always scared to shower and I'm almost always home alone. It's hard to keep your guard up and maintain yourself at the same time when you live with your rapist. The last time I looked in the mirror the bags under my eyes has started to turn completely black.

I turned and walked back to my bed, crawling on the top and sitting Indian style, staring down at my lap. Estrella followed in behind me, shutting the door and sitting down at the edge of the bed.

"Happy birthday" she tries to say in a nice tone. I respond back with a grim smile, then go back to holding my head down, playing with my fingers.

Estrella sits her black leather bag on the bed and stares at me "You don't look great.."

I chuckle and nod "thanks.." my eyes still low and my voice rough from not speaking for so long.

Estrella blushes in embarrassment and holds her head down "I haven't seen you around school a lot, and you don't really answer your phone anymore.."

I shrug my shoulders "I've been busy" I respond, keeping them short, sniffing and rubbing my nose quickly.

Estrella looks at me "Too busy to even look at your best friend?"

I blink once and sigh, keeping my eyes away from Estrella "I just don't want to be bothered" my voice low and cold.

I could feel Estrella sink in her place "Oh.. Well I don't know what we all did to you that was so bad, Jupiter. But we don't deserve to be treated so cold"