Lose Myself

Chapter Two

2

Honestly at this point I've given up.

I used to be persistent, but there was always a small part of me that would eventually give up, even from the smallest things.

I used to be able to find my way, no matter the cause, and yet there always was a part of me that was lost.

And now, I have fully, truly, lost myself.

To what, to whom, I do not know---but I have lost it, myself,

And I can't find it.

White, I see white

Where am I?

Am I finally where I want to be?

Away from everything?

"Watch where you step next time!" A voice called.

I was facing the floor, the dirty hallway floor of my dreadful highschool.

Yep. Definitely not where I want to be.

I get up, picking up my binders and papers scattered on the floor.

My eyes were met with the rings of my History notebook, as someone was handing it to me.

"Come on Matthew, we're gonna be late!" Aaron, one of my bullies calls.

Zach clasped his hand on Matthew's shoulder.

"Come on, let's go!"

I took my notebook from Matthew's hand. Zach purposely stepped on some of my papers, chuckling. They jogged down the hallway, and before they walked into their classroom, Matthew gave me a confused look, then shutting the door.

-

Today at lunch, the bathroom was packed with girls.

I could hear their screaming and laughing from down the hallway. I had no idea what they were doing, but I knew that there was absolutely no way I was going to get in there.

I got to class late earlier today, because Mr.Brown made me stay in class a little after so I could make up the worksheet that I never turned in.

I sit on the ground against a locker, and begin to eat my sandwich.

I get so lost in my thoughts that I don't even hear the voice next to me, saying "hey, um, that's my locker."

I just keep eating, until the person nudges me.

"Hey," he says. I look into his eyes, his brown eyes.

NO! I tell myself in my head, just walk away, don't say a word---you can do that, can't you? Or are you too pathetic to even walk away from some boy you don't even know?

He's not going to save you Anna, if that's what you think----this isn't a movie, get that straight through your head. People could care less about what's going on with you, they have their own problems.

Walk. Away.

"I really need to get into my locker...." he says. Then I recognize him.

It's Matthew.

I don't want to stand up, either way, where would I have to go? I scoot over so he can open his locker and get what he needs.

"Thanks," he says, shutting the locker door, "by the way, I'm Matthew. I sit next to you in Mr.Larsons class!" He smiles. I stay quiet.

I did recognize his name, but I couldn't remember where I had heard it before, outside of school...

"Are you always this quiet?" He chuckles.

Yes, Matthew Espinosa, I am always this quiet.

The way he said it made me want to throw up.

I got up and started walking down the hallway. Lunch was probably almost over anyways.

"Hey! I'm sorry I didn't mean to, um..." He called from down the hallway. He didn't know what to say, and he didn't come after me.

They never know what to say, and they never come after me.

I was used to this.

-

I need to stop thinking of him.

It's unhealthy.

Matthew Espinosa. Matthew Espinosa.

I need to stop.

But I just wondered where I've heard that name from before. I was racking my brain but I couldn't think of anything.

He was the first person to ever be nice to me, in a very long time. I've had people come up to me and try to be friends, but they eventually give up.

That was two years ago.

I've now sort of faded into the background. People don't seem to know me or notice me, until Kian or somebody from his group beat me up in public, but that doesn't usually happen, because they'll get caught, so nobody knows.

Nobody knows...

-

I walk outside towards my bus when school finally ends. Standing near my bus were a group of people, and to my luck, they included Zach, Tina, Gina, Aaron and Kian.

And, not to my surprise, Matthew.

Suddenly, he starts walking over to me.

Why?

Kian puts his hand on Matthews chest to prevent him from walking in my direction. I didn't notice that I've stopped walking and just stood there, looking at them.

"Dude, what's are you doing?" Kian asks.

"Just going to say hi, why? Whats wrong?"

"You can't say hi to her," he said. Matthew looked confused.

"Wha---"

"She's a bad person Matt, we just don't want you getting hurt."

Matthew looked at me sadly, and gave Kian a weird look.

"The reason why she has no friends, is because she chased them off. I mean, she does have friends, but they don't come here...she hangs out with bad people, you know, drugs and stuff. Just stay away." He clasped Matthew's shoulder. Matthew nods.
"Y-yeah," he stuttered, "yeah okay."

Tina looks my way. "Well, don't you have a bus to get to or are you going to keep listening to our conversation?"

I walk away quickly. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, it was weird---I've never felt this emotion before. I knew it now, that the nice Matthew, the new kid, who helped me pick up my stuff, who talked to me in the empty hallway at school, the kind Matthew, the Matthew who didn't know anything, was now gone.

Kian has fed him with lies, and Matthew had devoured them.

I got onto the bus. It was Friday, so I had no school tomorrow. Usually a 10th grader would be going to a party, or having a sleep over with her friends. There's just one catch:

I don't have any friends.

I know people always say that they can't live without their friends, but they can---at least, I have for the past two years, almost 3 now.

I walk into my house, dodging my Mom's usual, "Hello Annie, how was school?" And my step father's everyday "Were the classes fun today?"

School was terrible mom, as always.

No, Jake, my classes were not fun today.

I walk up to my room and drop everything on the ground and lay in my bed.

What was wrong with me?

Did I do something to make me this...this...

Depressed?