Lose Myself

Chapter Twenty One

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21

*Cue Smother by Daughter*
My eyes shot open.

Where the hell was I?

Something was on my legs, as well as my shoulder.

All I could see was blue.

My hand was touching something soft. And then I remembered last night.

A pair of legs were on top of mine. And arm was around my shoulder, and my hand was placed on a chest with a soft shirt on, and the shirt was blue.

What was I thinking last night? Cuddling with Matthew?

I don't even like him that much, just as a friend.

I remember what he said: about my parents, and about his dark space.

His dark space...

He described it as all black, and in the shape of a box. He said he was alone, and that no one would ever be able to go there, except himself.

He got me wondering:

What was my dark space?

Was it a black box filled with darkness? Or something else? Well, everyday was a day of darkness, everyday I visited a space of darkness, my space of darkness. I never put any thought into what it looked like.

I did know what it felt like, though.

My stomach felt like it wasn't there, it felt as it has dropped into an abyss. My chest was heavy, and my eyes deceived me. My heart felt numb, and I was extremely dizzy yet at the same time my sight was the best it had ever been.

Any object in sight was blurred out, except for a couple that I would remember in a couple hours when I thought about what happened earlier.

I would see things that don't make sense. I would make a cut, and see my dad standing behind me. I would cut my wrist and see my mom's reflection in the mirror. I would cut my thigh and see one of my bullies drowning in blood in the tub.

But now, I stood in the bathroom, and when I cut my wrist, I didn't see my dad, I saw Matthew.

He came up behind me. My body was pale, everything was black and white except for the blood on my wrists.

He put his arms around my waist. His eyes turned all black, and we were both staring at each other in the reflection. My eyes were all black as well.

Then he just vanished. I looked at myself in the mirror, and put my head in my hands. What was going on with me?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

"It's a sin to cut on Christmas, you know." A voice said. Matthew, the real Matthew.

I whipped around. I didn't even hear him open the door to the bathroom.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

He came in the bathroom door, shutting it. He stood beside me, putting his hands on the sink counter. We both stared at each other in the mirror.

He took my razor.

He began to cut his wrists.

"STOP!" I sobbed, but I couldn't seem to take the razor out of his hands. My arms wouldn't move.

I screamed, I yelled, I sobbed, i thrashed around as the blood dropped from his wrists.

He made one cut, which led to three. I didn't do anything, I just stood there. Then, he handed the razor back to me.

I didn't understand.

He lifted up his other clean wrist, and held it in front of me.

He wanted me to cut his wrists.

I shook my head no. But he nodded.

"It's okay." He whispered softly. His 6'0 frame towered over my 5'3 frame.

I slowly brought the razor up to his wrists, making 3 cuts.

Then, I handed the razor to him. He looked at me, his face dropping. I lifted up my clean wrist, and held it in front of him.

He made 3 cuts.

Then the whole room when black. There was a slight glow, and I could see his face. Suddenly, I was in that dark cramped box with him. Never to come out.

We stared into each other's eyes. Understanding each other. We had bonded. And I knew that he would be there, he wouldn't run away. He would never give up. He was there for my cuts, he was there when I was lonely, except now, we were lonely together.

We were now in the same darkness.

The only difference?

He could easily get out of the darkness. He had a free pass to come in and out when he pleased.

I did not have a pass.

But he was willing to wait. He was going to pull me out. He was going to bring me to the light.

Now, the light doesn't seem as far away as it was before.