Rainy Days [Poetry]

Talk

a/n - i was trying to raise a point during class today but people were looking at me and i panicked and talked nonsense :( the teacher looked so confused and annoyed and i want to cry forever —
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I'm tired of being useless.

I want to talk to someone. I know that it sounds attention-seeking, but every time I try to speak to someone about something, they judge me. Their words pierce me like daggers and their eyes are haunted by a terrifying disgust.

So I've given up. I say nothing about the panic that rises up inside of it every time I talk to someone, and everyone brings it down to the fact that I'm weird and stupid. I want to say something about it. I practice my lines every night like reciting a prayer, and I do it religiously.

I know that bottling it up isn't the solution. I am on edge, irritable. I want to snap at people like they've done to me, and watch their expressions when I do so. But my morals prevent me from doing anything. If we were tested on how many secrets we could keep, I would be in first place.

The nighttime has become a kind of solace. I fear it, but fear is all I have, so I've come to embrace it. I talk to the stars every night, and even though they cannot reply, their shining selves keep me going, one day at a time. They keep me alive, longing, waiting for a beautiful future I will never truly have  - no matter what.

I wish I could talk. I long for the day where I'll be able to speak in front of crowds without fear overtaking me like a tidal wave. I reach out to it, but I never manage to grasp it as my career aspirations crumble into dust.

But this anxiety, this utter fear is crushing me. I cannot say anything about it because no one will believe it - trust me, I have tried. Perhaps the occasional episodes of trembling and shaking uncontrollably in the corner by myself are just another reminder of the fact that I'll never be loved, not truly.

This world is too cruel for that.
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I'm so sorry. I'll try to get up poetry soon :( Life in general has been terrible and I know it's not much of an excuse but I'm barely hanging on as it is :" Have a lovely day ahead !! :)