Rainy Days [Poetry]

Mind Words

a/n - last poem from 2019! not the best but oh well :')
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31/12/2019

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I wish I understood all these feelings inside of me

I wish I knew what to make out
of this catastrophy
Words envelop me like your bear hugs used to do

But now I feel nothing but a horrible wave of blue

And at night I dream of flickering lights

Where I scream and fall from dangerous heights
It’s hard to admit it, but I miss being friends with hope
Because now I’m drifting and I don’t know how to cope

Perhaps this is destiny, perhaps this is how I’m meant to feel
But my mind twists and my thoughts won’t let me heal
Maybe you never insulted me - I guess I’ll never know
But I can hear your voice in my mind and it hits me with a blow

And when my demons come, they haunt me with you
Fake words find their truth and to me they start to glue
It’s sad how a nightmare has become a horrible reality
To stop me from learning freedom or trying to flee

I wish I understood all these feelings inside of me
I wish I knew what it meant to really feel carefree
Because your smiles no longer have the effect they used to
They’re just a terrible truth hidden in a beautiful view
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( analysis )

this poem is kind of about drifting friendships  ?? like new classes and all that  ?? there's an obvious change - to me, at least - and it's something i really struggle with. not having a sense of familiarity makes me feel scared and alone, and the thought of a drifting friendship makes it even worse!

also, i tend to have horrific nightmares involving my friends laughing as i fall off a high cliff of some sort? it's overdramatic and would never happen irl but that's my inspiration for this poem. of course, my dreams don't really interfere with my life in general, but sometimes the lines between imagination and reality blur and yeS i get confused? very weird but oh well, i hope it explains matters :)
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a/n -

thank you for reading  !! school makes me feel irritable and brings out the worst in me tbh so this is a nice change  !!! i don't think anyone actually reads author's notes but i really like not having to worry about judgement hHHH

anyway, have a lovely day! see you on the 16th with a 'nighttime mist' update haha :)) (or maybe earlier  !! but school gets hectic really quick so i don't think so) until then, take care and remember that you're loved <33

- magisterium-