Maybe this time [Completed]

Chapter 34

God, we had wasted so much time.

And it was my fault. If it wasn't for my prejudice and my pre-conceived notions of what a perfect husband should be like, we wouldn't have gone through the unnecessary pain these past twenty years.

I was so stupid.

Paul probably sensed the chaos in my head because he reached out and gently held my right hand in both of his.

"It's okay Elisse. I understand. We were both so young then, we did not know any better."

I kept my head down, not having the strength to meet his eyes. He lifted my chin gently, urging me to look at him.

"How about we both agree to leave the past behind us? Hmm?"

"It's not that easy," I replied in a whisper.

"Why not? We've already gotten our signals mixed up for twenty years, Elisse. Can we not let it continue for a second longer? I want to put everything behind us and start fresh. Together, this time."

Is that possible? Can we really start over, just like that? 

"Look, think about it this way. It wasn't all bad, right? Letting you go freed me up to do some things that I probably wouldn't have done if I knew you were waiting for me back home," he continued, urging me to listen.

"I had taken big risks in my career, sometimes at the expense of my own life. You know that, right? It was because I thought I had nothing to lose that I took those kinds of risks. And it paid off. Those were the features that won me awards."

I eyed him closely. Is that really what he thinks, or is he just trying to console me?

"And you - you have your son. You see? It's not like all those years were ruined. We had good things happen to us, too, so let's please not beat ourselves up over this, alright?"

He was right. The best thing for us to do is to move on, and maybe we have better chances at doing this right, now that we're older and know better.

I smiled at him, nodding slowly, and he let out a ragged breath. I realized just then how tense he had been these past few minutes, his heart hanging on my every word.

And I knew for sure that he really loved me, that I held his heart, his life in my hands. I should take better care of it from now on.

He loved me. I don't deserve him, but for some crazy reason he wanted me. Me.

A surge of emotions enveloped me and all the feelings I have kept bottled up all these years were fighting their way to the surface, looking for an avenue, wanting to be heard.

Did I love him? I am not sure. All I know is that my feelings for him go deeper than just friendship, but I needed time to figure out what it was.

Paul cleared his throat and I turned to meet his eyes.

"You left me again, Elisse," he gently chided.

Huh?

"What do you mean?"

"I can see that your thoughts were far away from me. Any other time, I would have just let you - I like watching you when you're daydreaming, did you know that?"

I did not know. I never noticed that he watched me.

Add it up to the list of things I didn't know about Paul. I was so dense back then.

"You always get this faraway look, and your eyes would sort of glaze over. Sometimes a smile would be playing around your lips, other times a small frown would crease your forehead. It made me wonder what was going through your head."

"How many times have you watched me like that? Why did I not know this before?"

"Oh, I've lost count. Probably every single day we were together back then. Because you always daydreamed," he teased and I smiled.

No arguments there.

"But today it makes me nervous," he continued, turning serious. "I want to know what you're thinking, Elisse. Let me in. Please."

"I'm sorry," I sighed and looked away guiltily. I really have to be more careful, or else I'll end up hurting him again.

"That's not what I want to hear," he replied sadly, and I knew what he meant.

Can I trust myself this time? That what I'm feeling is real and not just my imagination playing tricks on me?

I looked back at Paul, hoping he could help me figure it all out.

But he remained silent and just sat there watching me carefully, waiting for a response, making it clear that the ball was in my court.

It was all or nothing.