Beautiful Scars [1] ✔

Five years later and still debating.

This book has been so special to me, even when I was younger. I've come a long way in terms of writing. But this story is still something I come back to.  There is a part of me that wonders if maybe if can be destructed, rewritten, edited and actually published. Granted, the cover would be different. The entire concept would be different in the sense of the physical copy.

I see all of the lives who were saved and changed at the mere mention of a few words I wrote and my heart longs for that feeling again.

Life has been hectic, and extremely not kind. Majority of the fans I have, they've dropped off the face of the Earth. And there are still some moments where I question if I can even accomplish all that I want to.

I'm a broke college kid who's not that good at marketing, advertising, or really anything else. I publish books and I just feel like I can't get them in the hands of anyone because that just isn't my forté. And I've realized that books take a long time to get noticed, much less be bought. It's just something that's been weighing on me.

Probably because I can't remember the last time I took myself out of my own work for the sake of it being a passion instead of a chore.

I've spent the last two years fighting my depression, fighting for relationships that eventually fell through that my passion was literally tossed aside.

I've been single for almost nine months now and I still can't manage to get any words out. I'm too stressed, too busy, too exhausted, and too concerned that my words won't resonate with the world. It's been five years since I had an actual solid, moving, amazing plotline that is something majority could relate to.

And there's still a part of me waiting for something else to show up. To spark. And it's just empty air.

Some days I feel like a one hit wonder. Some days I feel like maybe one day I will make it at this.

At fifteen I had no idea what I was doing. I just wrote because it was a way to explore the depths of my mind without anyone else truly knowing me. You guys didn't know me. You saw my words. But you didn't know the girl you read about was the girl who was writing. I struggled with a lot of the issues of love and self harm and just hope for the future. I wish I could say it gets better. But at twenty years old, I am still trying to mend a lot of old wounds that shouldn't be there.

Now, at this age, right on the brink of my college career,  I have no idea what I want. If writing is where I'm supposed to go or not. I just keep feeling like every word I write, I'm doing it wrong. So I keep coming back to this story. The one where I knew I did something right.

I can't help but see how many lives have the potential to change just by this book. And I want that. I do.

I want to get back to myself. To a point where writing was just that. Writing.

But it's hard to feel that way when your passion turns into a realization for change. Knowing you have this gift and you're not even sure if you're using it the right way especially when you're struggling, too makes it hard to process.

This book was my moment.

I want to continue to share it.

But maybe my head has just been so loud I had to voice it because I feel like I'm drowning on the inside.

Thank you guys.

Katlyn.