Remember; You Have the Universe

[ 26 ]

I have to say,
being medically
excused
from Phys Ed
was not
the worst thing
that's ever happened
to me.
I used to attend,
but then my
Emphysema
began to relentlessly
attack
whenever I
worked out,
and then
even when I
wasn't.
As I listen to
the sisters
complain about
undressing in
locker rooms
and having
to smell
the boys from
the other side of
the gym,
I am grateful,
for once,
for being sick.
But only just
a tiny bit.
After dinner,
Jeff knocks on
my door, asking
if he can come in.
He leaves the
door open,
and stands against
the doorway.
Even though he invaded
my life
and my house
and my time with
my mom,
he's always very careful
not to invade
my space.

So we're cool.

He asks me
how school is going
and I wonder
if his daughters
feel as awkward
having this conversation
with him
as I do.
They probably
love it.
Love that they get to
spend time with
their father.
Love that he
doesn't have
mistakes he's
running from
and that he doesn't
see a disease
he inflamed
when he looks at
his daughter.

We talk about
how nice it is
to go to
school stuff
and I keep quiet about
how I've been
noticing
it's slowly getting
harder
to exhale.
How I always
feel as though
I'm a bloated
balloon;
air forever
imprisoned
inside of me.

Mom comes in
a few minutes
later
and she and Jeff
exchange a look.
That's when
I realize
this is a,
"Were worried
About you,"
Conversation.

I lean back
on my bed,
so that I'm
almost slouching
but still
straight enough
to sate Mom
and so that I
don't suffocate.
Because that
would be
inconvenient.

Mom doesn't
sugar coat it
She is
pretty good
at the
no special treatment
thing.
Jeff is
getting better
at it, especially
after
years of whining
from his kids.
I like
special treatment
because I
get away with stuff
and get extra
awesomeness,
but at the
same time,
I kind of
hate it because
I know
the emotion behind it
is pity.

"Why did Kjrsten
cancel group?"
Mom asks,
crawling onto
the bed so she can
sit next to me.
I want to
lay my head
on her shoulder.
We used to
do this
all the time.
Back when
it was just
her and me,
I would sleep
in her bed
most of the time
and we'd talk
or watch movies
or play cards
on top of whatever
book she was currently
reading.
Unfortunately,
Jeff has
taken my
place.

I give in,
and scoot closer
to her as Jeff
closes the door
and remains standing
over there.
I smile
gratefully.

I confess that
Kjrsten thinks
I'm too worried
about death.
Jeff nods as if
to validate me,
which I
appreciate.
Mom bites
her lip.
I know we're both
acknowledging
that this is
a possibility.
"I think
you have
plenty of life
left to live
and you should-"

"Please,"
I interrupt.
"I don't really
feel like
being told what
I should do
right now."
I get
enough of that
between Kjersten
and Monique
and the little
looks
Cadence gives me
when she doesn't
want
to chastise me.

"Emma,"
Mom says.
"I want you
to live
your life."

Nice change of words,
Mom.
It still means
the same thing.

"I want that, too,"
I promise.
"I want to
do everything
everyone else
is doing."

"But you
can't,"
Mom says
sternly.

"Yeah,
I know!"
I toss my hands
up.
"It's kind of
obvious."

Jeff tries
to step in,
to assuage me.
"It's hard,
I know.
It's hard for us
to watch you
go through this."
I know
he is trying
to be a good
father figure.
I hold in
my retort
about how
he should stay out
because this
doesn't involve him.
Because after
a couple
deep breaths,
I remember that
it does
involve himt

"Maybe instead of
mourning over
what you've lost,
you should
think about
what you have
and please
stop acting
like I'm not
still here
For you."