Remember; You Have the Universe

[ 89 ]

School
gets off
and when I'm
not with
my friends,
I am
spending
all day
at home.

Group and
Robby's death
make me want
a relationship with
the only
sisters
I will ever have
while I have
the chance.
But I know
that isn't
an easy fix.

So I
start with
Mom.
Because I know
she will always
love me,
no matter
how bad
I mess up.

I go to her
while she's
doing this dishes
and pick up
the Sunday china
as she
sets it down
and dry it
without her
saying
a word.

"I don't know
what to
say,"
She says
after a
few minutes of
her washing
and me drying.

"I do,"
I say.
I'm not used
to being
the one with
the answers.
What I need
to say
is hard,
but I
force it out.
"I'm sorry."

"For?"

I want to
laugh
at that,
but I know
better.

"For lying.
For keeping
secrets.
For not
doing my part
to stay
healthy.
I just want
to be a
teenager
and sometimes
it feels like
I can't.
I wanted
to be "normal"
and independent
and in
trying
to do that,
I hurt
myself
and stressed
people out
and broke
trust.
It's just that
everyone
wants to be
different.
But I
just want
to be like
everybody else."

Her small smile
tells me
she's accepted
my apology.
"I'm sorry
that I yelled.
That's not
like me.
And I'm sorry that
you have to
go through this
and if I
handle
all this
in a way
you don't like.
I'm sorry...
well, I don't know.
I'm not sorry
for marrying
Jeff,
but I
hope it doesn't
make you
hate me."