Beyond the Horizon of Love (Ryker Series #1)

BTHOL [38]

"Ano namang... pag-uusapan natin?" 

"It's been four months since you came back yet we still haven't talk about what happened three years---"

"That was three years ago already, Sean. Do we really have to talk about it?" putol ko.

"Of course," he whispered. "Don't you want to talk about it?"

"It's not like that. And you just finished drinking. Let's just talk when you're---"

"Sober?" mabilis na putol niya. "That's what you told me the last time I tried to talk to you."

I looked away, feeling guilty. I know he deserves to know everything. But why does it feel illegal to me na ibigay sa kanya ang closure na gusto niya dahil ayoko siyang umabante? I want to be stuck in our past relationship with him. Gusto ko pareho kaming hindi makausad.

"What else do you want to know?"

"About what exactly happened."

"Hanggang ngayon nakakulong ka pa rin sa nangyari?"

"Aren't you?" balik tanong niya. "Am I the only one that got stuck in here?"

Malalim akong bumuntong-hininga. "I already told you before, it's complicated. There were so many things going on, and I didn't handle it well."

"I know," Sean replied, his eyes meeting mine. "But I need to understand."

"I don't know if I'm ready to revisit that."

"Avril, please. It really happened so fast, I need to understand. I need closure."

"Closure doesn't always come from dissecting the past, Sean. Sometimes, it comes from accepting that things happened and finding a way to move forward."

"But I can't just forget about it," Sean pleaded. "I need to know why."

"Some things are better left buried. Talking about it won't change what happened, and it might only reopen old wounds."

Bayolente siyang bumuntong-hininga bago nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin. I sighed again, hindi na alam ang sasabihin.

"I've worked hard to build a new life, to put the past behind me. Rehashing it won't do either of us any good. I can't give you the answers you're looking for."

Napahilamos siya sa mukha niya bago yumuko pagkatapos niyang marinig ang mga sinabi ko. I bit my bottom lip while watching how he tried to calm himself down.

"I told you, I only dated you for the sake of the company. Hindi kita---"

"Fuck those reasons, Janniza. We both know that's not the truth," may diing putol niya sa akin. "You loved me, and I felt that. You never faked your love for me."

I gulped. I couldn't do anything but watch him in front of me. I can not do it. I can't talk about it yet.

"Just tell me the truth. Tell me if you fell out of love, or if you found someone better than me. Don't hurt me with your lies, Av. Kasi ihahatid naman kita... ihahatid kita kung saan ka magiging masaya kahit na... kahit na ikakadurog at ikakawasak ko."

"Sean..."

"Para sa'yo gagawin ko lahat kahit ako 'yong madurog, Av. Huwag mo lang akong saktan sa mga bagay na hindi naman totoo.  This may sound fucking cliche to you but I really mean it."

Sean left that night without getting any answers or explanations from me. I watched him go. I couldn't deny the ache in my heart at seeing him so vulnerable, seeking answers I wasn't ready to provide.

I wasn't oblivious to the fact that Sean deserved answers, he deserved the truth. He deserved to know why our relationship crumbled. But the fear of revisiting the pain, the fear that it might unleash a flood of emotions I wasn't prepared to face, kept me silent.