Why Me?-YOONMIN

The Request

YOONGI POV:

He won't stop talking about how much he cares. Why is he so kind? Ugh. I can't handle this anymore. I am pissed. Can he not just leave so I can kill myself for real? I am so tired of my life and the pain that I am in. Why can't I just die? It is what I deserve. When you get told stuff often enough you start to believe it. Wow. What "great friends" I had. This is all too much I need to stop thinking. I hit my breaking point, again and now I am crying, again. I try to turn away from Jimin because I don't want his pity or comfort or judgement. I decide to reply to his kindness with  the only answer that I can think of. I turn to him and say," I don't deserve it."

I turn back around but I think that he caught my teary eyes. I know that he is probably confused. My thought is proven correct when he asks, "What do you mean?" Even though I don't want to go into detail about what I mean, for some reason, I feel like I owe him an explanation. So I explain  and then I tell him that I want him to leave so I can kill myself in peace. I don't think that he took it well.

He says something about everyone deserving to live and not leaving me. I couldn't really focus on what he was saying because of everything going on in my head. So I replied that I am fine and begged him to leave but I guess with tears streaming down my face it wasn't very convincing that I was "fine". I tried to quietly cry. It is what I trained myself to do because of my parents. I also don't want to bother anyone with my annoying crying. I was so busy thinking about my crying that I didn't notice Jimin move and sit right in front of me. I had been staring into the distance and all of the sudden he was in front of me. I looked up and straight in to his eyes. As soon as I did, he started talking as if he was waiting for the eye contact that we had just made. He said that he ran back because I was crying and no one should be alone when they cry and that there was no way that he would leave me crying all alone now.

I didn't know how to respond but my body did. I started to cry harder and I hung my head and even with the pain that I was in my knees retreated to my chest. I couldn't speak. Why is he like this? I don't deserve it. I don't know how to respond to kindness because I don't experience any. I don't understand why he stays. I push everyone away. Or they just leave me. Why is it that the one person that I beg to leave, the only person who might actually listen to a request of mine because he i?s kind and cares for me, is the only person who won't leave me. He refuses to let me suffer alone.

My mind is racing and my thoughts are scattered. Jimin touches my hands that are hugging my knee so tight. I don't even dare to look up. He taps my hands and says, "Excuse me? I hate to bother you and I am sure that you are sick of me being all up in your business but do you need anything? You have been like this for 15 minutes. I promise that I am here to help not harm. Also I am sorry if I scared you when I touched you the first time. I am definitely not gonna to hurt you. Please let me help you. Also what's your name? I need to know so I can go get help."

It was a lot to process. I must have flinched when he touched me and that is why he thinks he scared me. Also I had no idea how long I had been like that. It felt like seconds. Oh no. Jimin asked for my name. If I tell him will he recognize me? Maybe one of his friends is one of my secret bullies. Maybe he has heard rumors  about me. He is gonna hate me. I can't breathe. I start to hyperventilate. I look up with a panicked expression and red puffy face. I probably look insane. Ugh. I am panicking. I. Can't. Breathe.