Backstage

Chapter 29

"What happens when you die?
Maybe you just go back
Back where..?
Where you were before this all happened to you"

I could hardly believe it. In fact I couldn't. A month ago my world shattered-again. I had failed to notice how much of a large part of my life Liam had become! He was so close to me it was absurd, like my big brother;my last family member. I had been to several funerals in my time, this most certainly wasn't my first.

The first I had attended was my nan's. She had died of cancer when I was 11, I had always been close to her and I thought I would never recover. I never felt quite the same after it had been tough on my whole family so when my grandad later announced his move to Germany it came as no surprise to any of us. Next was uncle Benny, his death was sudden and unheard of and no one quite knew why. It was a suspected heart attack although it remained unclear.

The last funeral was the hardest for me. I was 17 and I had finally began picking up the pieces of my tattered life and then I had the phone call saying my mum and dad had been in a road traffic accident. A lorry driver had fallen asleep at the wheel and drove into the back of my mums car flipping it off the road. Mummy was pronounced dead at the scene and my dad was rushed to hospital but never regained consciousness and died three days later. Watching my parents coffins be lowered into the ground for me was the hardest thing I have ever had to witness and I thought it was all over-everything! But no.

Here I was again preparing to send off Liam, my best friend and brother. No one can fathom his importance throughout all my events, even those I didn't tell Esme and Millie about because they would never understand the way he did. Without him I was alone. Losing my mum, dad, nan and grandad moving away caused me to be alone and Liam was there for me throughout. Now he was gone, I was alone.

I pulled on my black blazer and pushed a purple rose through my button hole, it was his favourite colour. My hair twisted from its donut in a sort of messy way which I would normally love; not today. It was then the first crystal salt drop cascaded from my right eye. Softly, I brushed it away and containing to find my speech- me and Jake where doing a joint speech along with one by his dad and Kian a graphics corse friend.

Stepping in to the living room to get to the door I saw Millie and Esme stood by the kitchen waiting for there lift but I was walking. On seeing me Esme opened her mouth to talk but I couldn't bare to listen to her pleas of sympathy so I turned around and mumbled "not now maybe later" before I continued to walk towards the door leaving the pair to stare after me. I could hardly believe how cold it was, I didn't care though it matched my soul. Ice cold and bitter.

Trudging through the fallen leaves just like I used to as a kid with Liam and Jake by my side. Playing and dancing cheerily, hardly noticing the raging skies or serine world. We were blinded by childhood innocence. The future was painting our souls black before we even knew how to taint our innocent bodies. I wrecked my body for the first time age 12 and although I self harm now more than ever it's nice to know I tried and failed, than didn't try at all.

Traipsing along, I drew my lighter from pocket like a bullet from a gun and ignited my little rollie thing. I inhaled deeply as though hoping it would kill my pain. It didn't. It did seem to however warm my lungs burn them like soot and kill them inwardly but maybe dying isn't a bad thing. It isn't like I will be alone in hell now is it Liam, I silently joked. I imagine him laughing back at me quietly smiling .

The only people there where Jake and Liam's family. I saw his mum laying out little black cards thanking those for coming, I walked over to lend a hand. She saw me coming and we embraced with a hug.We had become close actually and she smiled at me, I felt someone suddenly understand the pain I had seemingly felt since 11. I felt understood. At peace.