Bridge over troubled waters

33| New Dream

Bailey

Art speaks where words are unable to explain, I guess that's why I always loved it. I've never been all that good at expressing myself, anyone who knows me knows that. For someone who feels as much as I do and as deeply as I do, you would think that talking would be easy for me. But every time I open my mouth whatever I want to say never comes out. The words get stuck in my throat and I find a way to mess it all up.

If I could communicate better maybe Mark and I would still be together. Maybe Corey would understand why I stay here even though it's hard.

Maybe I could finally figure out what I really want.

But I never usually do. This is about the time I mess it all up and someone comes in my life trying to fix it. I know people care about me, I know people want me to be happy, but the truth is I control my life. I'm the only one that can. They can do a lot of things to make me happy but only when I allow myself to be happy.

So I continue to try and paint. I've been stuck on the same one canvas for a week now and I just don't know to finish it. Or maybe I don't want to finish it because that's just another part of my life that's over. Something else I'm not yet ready to let go of but I don't have a choice because I have to keep moving forward. Even if I'm not ready to.

I hear a knock on the door of my studio and let out a sigh. Corey was gone and all my friends I have here should be working so I'm not sure who this could be. I haven't been messaging any art directors or photography places around the Chicago area so I don't know who it could be.

I set my paint brush in the water and vacate the stool I was on. I open the door to my studio and see my brother Brady standing there. I smile big as I jump into his arms. I might hate him for 10% of my life, but the other 90% he's the best big brother I could ever ask for. "What are you doing here" I wonder.

"Kaitlyn said you offered to help her with some wedding shopping here in Chicago and I wanted to catch a Bulls game so we're here for about a week" he explains.

"That's awesome! Where are you staying" I wonder.

"Not too far from you and Corey" he explains.

"You know he's gone for another few days right" I ask.

"Yeah. I actually talked to him about this. He suggested I come down and said hi to you before he got back. See how you're doing" he claims.

I let out a sigh as I shake my head. "He sent you here so I'm not by myself while he's gone" I correct him.

"And that's a bad thing" he questions. I just shrug because I didn't feel like having this argument right now. "Corey cares a lot about you. He's been asking me what he should do to make you happy again. He offered to pay for Kaitlyn and I to come down here and hang out with you while he was gone. He's just trying to make you happy" he explains.

"He does make me happy. He always has and it was never from doing stuff for me. He...  he makes me happy" I explain.

"And have you told him this? Or have you been hiding in your art studio staring at that same painting hoping that something changes without actually changing anything" he asks me.

I look at the ground as I close my eyes. I fight back the tears as I run my finger through my hair. "I don't know what to say" I sigh.

"You never have" he teases. "Yet he's still here for you. He's still texting me trying to see what I've heard about your emotional state. Although you haven't told me anything besides the fact you and Mark broke up" he accuses.

"There's nothing else to say" I defend.

"Then why are you still stuck on this one painting" he asks.

I look over at the partially done painting before looking back at my brother. "Because I don't know what to do once it's done" I whisper.

"That's the thing though. You're an artist and your life is your canvas. Make it into what you want. If it's ugly try again. If it's beautiful then admire it but you have to keep creating. No one wants to be in one moment forever. You have to finish it and know that you are strong enough to move on afterwards. No matter how hard it is and no matter how scared you are you have to move on" he explains.

I start to smirk and he smiles back at me. "I hate when you're right" I insist.

"Which is always" he states proudly.

"Which is rarely" I correct.

"Come on. Kaitlyn is waiting for us" he insists.

So I remove my smock and follow him to the car. I see Kaitlyn there waiting for us to return to her and she jumps out of the passenger side. She runs over and gives me a hug and I happily hug her back. The best thing my brother had ever done was somehow trick this sweet girl into being with him for the rest of his life.

We decided to go to lunch first and I suggest some pizza while they were here. So we go to Giordanos and enjoy the fun atmosphere.

"I see why you love it here so much" Kaitlyn admits as she looks around. "This place is so cool."

I just smile as I nod along. "This place is so incredible" I agree. "I got lucky that my path lead me here. I've met so many amazing people and it's been awesome being around Corey again. I didn't realize how much I truly missed him until I got here" I explain.

"How are you ever going to leave" she teases.

I let out a dry laugh as I shake my head. "I don't know. It's been a dream being here. But it's not really a dream if I stay, you know" I ask.

"Yeah. But there's plenty of dreams you can find in places like this. You shouldn't get stuck on just one" she says.

I look over to my brother who was giving me that "that's what I've been trying to tell you" look making me roll my eyes.

"What new dream would I make here that would keep me here" I question. They both stare at me as I stop eating. "What" I ask.

"God you're so painfully stupid" my brother groans.

"What" I whine.

"What about Corey" he questions.

"What about him" I counter.

"That can be your new dream dip shit" he nearly yells. My eyes get big once I see why they were looking at me like I was stupid. Because I was being stupid.

"Some dreams should just stay dreams" I say quietly.

"You can't seriously believe that" Brady shuns.

"I believe that I would rather have Corey as a friend than to lose him as a boyfriend" I argue.

"Bails... I know you're scared. I know you don't want to lose him. But can you really deny that this wouldn't work out" he asks.

I let out a long sigh as I just think to myself. "I'd rather never have to find out" I promise.